Last night, we joined the very first El Bachelor Latino, Juan Pablo Galavis, as he embarked on his journey toward love, marriage and numerous mouth sores. I remember Juan Pablo as a contestant in the previous season of The Bachelorette, but I have to be honest – he didn’t really make an impression on me. I think he’s attractive of course, because I have eyeballs in my head, but the overwhelming fan reaction to him was a bit surprising to me. Maybe it’s because I live in South Florida and I’m used seeing to Latin men? I don’t know. Anyway, the ladies, they love Juan Pablo. They really, really do. Did you know he’s Latin? And a father? He is, guys. And they love it.
One of our first scenes in the Juan Pablo Montage (after the half-naked jogging, of course) is him dancing solo under an abandoned overpass, and if that’s not an accurate portrayal of a man from Miami, I don’t know what is. But hey, let’s talk about these single ladies.
The big news for Juan Pablo last night was that he didn’t just get 25 beautiful women to choose from – no, he got 27 women. So lucky, this Latino Juan Pablo! I can never remember any of the women in these early episodes, but Juan Pablo definitely had some standouts. One of my favorites was massage therapist Amy, who says she’s just looking for a guy who wants her to “rub him” and Lauren H. from Oklahoma, who was once engaged. She was “all in” but it didn’t work out, which made her feel very sad in her heart. I know this, because we see her take out her unworn wedding gown and stare at it tearfully for a while. That’s not embarrassing. Nope. But man, that’s only the beginning. At the cocktail party, poor Lauren H. spends the night sob-hiccuping her issues and insecurities at anyone who will listen, including Juan Pablo himself. Hey guys, guess what? No rose for Lauren H.
The definite winner in cringe-worthy entrances, though, was Clare from Sacramento, California. Clare comes out of the limo in a bright pink empire-waist gown and a large pregnant belly underneath, which okay, I cannot even. Of course it wasn’t real, but bless Juan Pablo for handling it as smoothly as possible. I guess. I mean, what does one do when a woman fakes a full-term pregnancy as a way to be memorable? Run? Cry? Vomit with fear? Juan Pablo just patted that fake tummy and laughed, trying to hide the terror in his eyes. The funny thing, though, was how he seemed more alarmed when he realized that she wasn’t actually pregnant. Because that’s insane. She knows that’s insane, right? It’s insane.
I gotta say, Juan Pablo seems like a pretty down to earth dude. He endured a very uncomfortable massage from massage therapist Amy with patience and good humor. Personally, I would’ve been annoyed, since her “massage” mostly consisted of her smearing essential oils all over his white dress shirt while she climbed on top of him. I’m not really impressed by your rubbing skills, Amy. He didn’t seem all that into Lucy, either. Oh, Lucy. She’s described on screen as Lucy, 24, Free Spirit, which is Bachelor code for Definitely Unemployed. Her bio on the official ABC website tells me that the craziest thing she’s ever done is organize a 50-person, fully nude dance party on a beach in Mexico. Juan Pablo thought it was pretty weird when she put her bare feel all over him (“Real hippies don’t wear shoes,” she tells us, because of course she does) but I guess it’s not the strangest thing she’s done in her life.
The much-anticipated First Impression Rose went to the least enthusiastic Bachelor contestant in the history of the universe, opera singer Sharleen. Sharleen is cultured, beautiful, intelligent and probably not very interested in Juan Pablo. When he approaches her with the rose she’s all, “Seriously?” and when he earnestly tells her how much he likes her and offers her the rose, she gives a very delayed “Sure”. Ah, amor.
In addition to Sharleen, 17 women received a rose and nine ladies got the boot. Goodbye weepy Lauren H. and massage therapist Amy. So long Kylie, who thought she heard her name when he actually called for Kelly. Farewell Ashley and Christine and Maggie and some other girls I’ve already forgotten. You’ve made literally no impression at all. Congratulations.
So, what do you think of this season’s Bachelor contestants? Will Lucy ever wear shoes? Will Juan Pablo put a real baby in Clare someday? Will Sharleen actually start liking him? Who yells, “Juan Pablo, I hope you die!” later in the season? Feel free to hypothesize in the comments. Personally, I hope it’s Chris Harrison.