1. As the show begins, I think to myself, “Andy’s beard is probably going to be the best thing about this reunion,” and I am not wrong.
2. Katie gives an extensive, strangely defensive explanation about the color of her hair. I guarantee no one cares that much.
3. Stassi, as we know, quit SUR and left town. Lisa is pretending to be angry about it. Maybe she is? I can’t actually discern emotions on Lisa’s face anymore.
4. Everyone seems to agree that things are calmer at SUR now that Stassi is gone. Since Kristen, Jax, Tom and Ariana all still work there, I sincerely doubt that.
5. Scheana is still mad that Stassi didn’t care about her busted teeth. Also, Stassi is uninvited to be Scheana’s bridesmaid.
6. No one ships Jax/Stassi like Lisa Vanderpump ships them, probably because she cashes the checks. But seriously, she wants it. It’s borderline creepy.
7. Stassi has changed her number and blocked Jax from contacting her. It only took two years of psychotically texting her and an ill-advised tattoo to make that happen.
8. FYI, I still don’t think that tattoo is real.
9. Old news, but let’s review: Stassi doesn’t love Jax, they are never, ever, ever getting back together and she is now happy with Patrick Meagher.
10. No matter how much Lisa tries to make Stassi feel guilty for leaving SUR, it’s quite clear that Stassi has no f*cks left to give.
11. Jax has slept with a lot of people and he might be a sex addi- oh God, who cares.
12. Tom and Kristen cheated on each other “flagrantly” throughout their relationship. Andy Cohen uses the phrase “banged a couple bottle girls” like it’s something he says every day. I don’t really understand any of this – I suppose their entire relationship was a joke? Cool.
13. Kristen had a “three month thing” with another SUR employee, which was not sexual but “emotional”.
14. Kristen is the most bizarre person on the planet. She says that she and Tom cheated on each other constantly, that they were “glorified roommates,” that she was basically his personal assistant. Then in the same breath, she says that she is always going to be “madly, obsessively in love” with him.
15. For the record, Tom does not return the sentiment.
16. Tom and Ariana are now “banging”.
17. I know she’s “the boss” and all, but 50-something-year-old Lisa Vanderpump sitting here and asking personal questions about a bunch of twenty-somethings’ sex lives is super sketchy.
18. Ariana is rocking an amazing fishtail braid and forgot to wear a shirt.
19. Kristen makes a comment about how Ariana isn’t a “f*cking adult* and Andy is like, “Oh, and you are?” SHADE.
20. Kristen is now dating a 21-year-old bus boy from SUR named James. He weighs approximately 103 pounds. Tom is VERY UPSET because James is one of his BEST FRIENDS that we’ve never heard of and they were STARTING A BAND TOGETHER. Kristen “banged” him in Tom’s bed with Tom’s condoms. So, yeah. This is James.
21. Real talk, guys. If you’re in your 40s, I guess it’s pretty cool to land a 21-year-old. But Kristen is like, 30? That is for real weird. I am 34 years old and I would rather gouge my eyes out with a fork than spend any time with a 21-year-old. ANY. TIME. AT. ALL.
22. There is a lot of talk about whether or not Katie is just following Stassi’s orders to no longer be Kristen’s friend. I think it’s pretty clear that Katie is a follower and Stassi is a leader, but I also don’t think Kristen’s actions have proven her worth as a friend. So…yes, Katie is following Stassi’s orders, but she’s also right.
23. Kristen’s response to why she slept with Tom in Cabo? “He’s a good lay.”
24. Scheana wants you to know that she’s just saying. She’s just saying, you guys. She’s just saying. Just saying.
25. Andy Cohen definitely hates Kristen. He’s shutting her down like it’s his job. Which is kind of is.
26. Tom thinks that the calm, rational way Ariana handles herself is a total turn-on. Kristen finds this offensive, because isn’t she calm, too? ISN’T SHE?!? Then she storms off set. Because of course she does.
So, what did you think – on a scale of one to completely batshit wackadoo, how crazy is Kristen? Do you think Tom and Ariana will last? What will happen without Stassi? Stay tuned for part two next week.