This week saw the end of another season of Vanderpump Rules and part two of the reunion special. One thing I really like about the way Vanderpump Rules is
scripted written edited filmed is that the big action – the “OMG” moment of the season – doesn’t come until the very last episode or two. This really keeps the reunion from feeling stale, like we’re not just rehashing things we’ve been through fifty times. That being said, the second hour of the reunion wasn’t as action packed as the first. We did, however, get to see Tom Sandoval do a split, so I guess it wasn’t all a loss. Here are 25 more random moments from the show
1. Part two picks up with Kristen in mid-hissy fit over Tom and Ariana. She refuses to sit there while they are “all over each other”…they are holding hands.
2. Scheana has the most innate ability to make everything about her. Stassi is mad that Scheana is friends with Kristen and Jax…Scheana is still talking about her teeth.
3. Tom gives an honest to God, Anne Frank-level “despite-everything-I-believe-that-people-are-really-good-at-heart” speech, so if you were wondering how hard it’s been for him, there you go. Idiot.
4. Was Kristen self-destructive? Absolutely. Has she been since she was younger? Absolutely. Were they ruining each other? Absolutely. Is she in a better place now? Absolutely. Does she use the question/answer rhetorical device way too frequently? Absolutely.
5. Scheana thinks everyone is way happier now and for some reason, she is crying about it. Yet none of her make-up moves. It’s fascinating.
6. Remember when Jax disappeared and then he came back and it was because he was in jail? Yeah. His story changes like three times in the span of the discussion. For the record, Jax is totally chill about jail and he’s been there often.
7. I truly think the two most incredible moments in Vanderpump Rules history were Stassi imitating Joyce “Hoysay” Giraud’s husband and Jax mistaking Joyce for Latoya Jackson. Most. Amazing. Ever.
8. Scheana is still mad that Brandi Glanville said something catty to her about her “grey tooth” – everyone tries to point out that she had an affair with Brandi’s husband. Scheana is all, “It was seven years ago, get over it,” because she is the grossest, most self-involved human alive.
9. Hey, remember when Jax took too many supplements and it gave him a lump in his man boob and he had fake cancer? Yeah.
10. Tom’s impression of Scheana’s dancing is epic. E-P-I-C.
11. Lots of talk about secret texting between Kristen and Jax. It’s pretty involved and sneaky, to be honest. I’m so glad I got through my teens and twenties without text messaging being a thing. It gets everyone in trouble.
12. I don’t know how real or fake any of this between Tom and Kristen is, but Tom seems to be genuinely upset over Kristen’s infidelity.
13. The times that Kristen lied through her teeth to Stassi and Tom is kind of disgusting.
14. Everyone has questioned why Kristen still has a job at SUR – even Lady Gaga. OMG. Kristen seems pretty embarrassed that even Lady Gaga was hating on her. Ouch.
15. Tom rightly feels pretty flippin’ mad that everyone planned a big “Jax and Kristen had sex” party and no one told him in advance. He totally calls Stassi out on how gleefully she summoned them all together for the big reveal. He makes Stassi cry. It’s kind of great.
16. Unlike when Kristen cried and ran off set, Lisa runs after Stassi and comforts her. Then she scolds Tom when she gets back. Way to play favorites.
17. Kristen knows she deserved to be slapped. We all do, honey.
18. Kristen apparently sent a text to Stassi: “Sorry for the last three years.” Um. Good job.
19. If you’re playing the “bang” drinking game at home, you’re wasted right now.
20. Tom Sandoval: “Lives get destroyed because Jax likes attention.” Wise words from someone who shaves his forehead.
21. Andy questions whether or not Kristen is a pathological liar, but she’s like, “No, I’m just an assh*le”. Fair.
22. Speaking of assh*les…Jax. I don’t even understand him. Like, is this genuine? Is this the image he’s trying to build for himself? I don’t even know.
23. Just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, Jax doesn’t kiss when he’s f*cking his best friend’s girlfriend.
24. Kristen, unsurprisingly, has no idea why she ever had sex with Jax.
25. Unlike Kristen, Jax is completely lacking remorse. Or emotion. Or anything even remotely resembling human being-ness. “Do you feel anything now?” Lisa asks him. “Me no feel nothing never,” says Robot Jax.
And…that’s it! In conclusion: Jax does not have the ability to feel stuff. See you next season!