As you may have heard, it’s a sad day for love. Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announced that they are ending their ten year marriage. That’s right, GOOP and Coldplay are getting a divorce. Gwyneth announced it herself in her own blog, calling it a “conscious uncoupling,” because she is incapable of being unpretentious and must always separate herself from the huddled masses. “Divorce is so gauche, dahlink,” she will tell her attorney. “I would like to file for a conscious uncoupling.” By the way, don’t be surprised if you can’t access goop.com. As a friend so wisely observed, Gwyneth’s request for privacy sent so much traffic to her blog, it crashed the website.
Despite their pretension, many (including myself) were surprised that the longstanding couple was um, uncoupling (consciously, of course). I did some digging and here are a few possible reasons for the split:
1. Chris Martin got too jealous of how chummy Gwyneth is with Beyonce and Jay Z.
2. It’s all been downhill since that thing with CeeLo and those puppets at the Grammys.
3. Gwyneth was angry about Chris’s upcoming stint as mentor on The Voice, because she thinks she’s the professional singer now. “I covered Adele!” she screamed.
4. Chris was angry because she cancelled his subscription to Vanity Fair and he really likes the pictures.
5. Someone played a Radiohead album for Gwyneth and now she can’t get Thom Yorke out of her head.
7. Chris got sick of Gwyneth rapping “like a bad mutha” while she cooked dinner.
8. “Viva la Vida”
9. Chris overheard her say that she’d rather “smoke crack” than eat cheese from a tin. Maybe he really loves cheese from a tin, I don’t know. Maybe he just overheard her saying any number of these quotes.
10. The couple argued over money, such as her $300/day food plan.
11. Shallow Hal
In all seriousness, divorce sucks and I hope Gwyneth, Chris and their children get through this smoothly. I look forward to next week’s posts from GOOP, where subscribers will get the top ten cashmere afghans to curl up in alone and the best pomegranate-cucumber cleanse for newly single moms.