What The Heck Is Even Happening On Reign?: Three Plots That Are Blowing My Mind Right Now

Source: The CW
Source: The CW

As I’ve said in the pastReign is my favorite guilty pleasure show. Okay, so it has just about zero basis in historical fact. But history shmistory, this show is addictive, fun and hilariously over the top. Case in point (and it’s going to get spoilery from here, folks) we now have Mary, Queen of Scots, married to Francis.  This actually happened, but the rest is basically fiction. It’s not even historical fiction at this point – it’s just crazy made up stories. Francis’s half-brother Bash has been banished from the kingdom because he wanted to marry Mary – so his father King Henry made Bash watch the consummation between Mary and Francis before kicking him out. Ouch. But hey, happily ever after with Mary and Francis, right? Except that Mary’s lady in waiting Lola just happens to be pregnant with Francis’s child. So, after rescuing Lola from a potentially life-ending abortion (seriously, this show has no boundaries) Mary is helping to hide her friend’s pregnancy from the future king, her husband, all while trying to get pregnant herself. Oh, and did I mention that this is the most tame plot currently happening on the show? Yeah.

I really don’t understand what this show is doing. I don’t mean that in a bad way, but when you think about the fact that Reign has only aired about 16 episodes so far, A LOT has happened. Where are they taking us? What can happen from here? Why is everything so crazy? Let’s talk about some of the craziest plots happening right now on Reign:

1. First of all, this pregnancy thing has left one hell of a mess in Mary’s hands. Which hey, that kind of sucks, since the whole mess happened because her current husband slept with her good friend Lola. But they were broken up at the time, so I guess it’s not Francis’s fault. However, I would love it if Francis eventually finds out that Lola’s child is his own and Mary resents him for the whole situation. He’ll be like:

Source: collegetimes.com

But anyway, this pregnancy thing. It’s pretty nuts when you think about it. Mary, as the future king’s wife, pretty much has to accept that Francis may or may not have bastard children. It’s not like it was uncommon back in the day, and certainly not for a king. But it’s her friend – her lady in waiting – and they’ve decided to keep it a secret. This means that when Lola marries, she will be trying to pass off the future king of France’s bastard son as her husband’s – something that could wreak some serious havoc on her child’s future as well as her own. Being a mistress is one thing. Ruining someone’s chance at having an heir? Totally worse. Besides, something tells me that this baby isn’t going to be much of a secret for long.

Source: The CW
Source: The CW

The entire pregnancy thing has given birth (ha, see what I did there?) to a larger clusterf*ck of drama.  Mary has been trying desperately to find Lola a suitable husband before her pregnancy starts to show. Greer, her other lady in waiting, has been desperately trying to find a husband for herself, even though she’s in love with a kitchen boy. To make a long story short, Greer finally manages to get engaged, only to blow it by getting caught with her kitchen boy toy on the side. Oops. But hey, now this guy can marry Lola! That’s not weird, right? No, it’s totally weird.

2. Speaking of weird, WTF is this Darkness nonsense? THE DARKNESS. They sound like they all got lost and ended up on Doctor Who. The Darkness (capital D, because it’s Serious Business) is apparently an evil force which may or may not be human. It may or may not even be real, except that Bash keeps running into it, literally. His first chance at a nice rebound booty call was slaughtered by The Darkness (along with her whole family) and then it came after him. It also abducted and tortured Francis’s ex-fling, Olivia.  Yeah, remember her? Well, Bash found her in the woods, looking all Nell and whispering nonsense. She may or may not be possessed by evil, which is a bummer. She escaped The Darkness, but not before it (he?) left her a little souvenir: a fang lodged in her spine. Ew. The Darkness is super gross.

Nostradamus is looking into it, but he’s not a very good detective if you ask me. He’s basically crazypants. But he did say the tooth was human, not animal. So I guess that’s something…but again, crazypants. Why would a human file down his own teeth into sharp fangs and bite humans? This plot really weirds me out. As if there isn’t enough going on, we have to take a bizarre turn into Hannibal territory. Okaaaaay.

Source: youknowyoulovefashion.com
Source: youknowyoulovefashion.com

3. By far the craziest thing happening on Reign, though, is what’s happening to King Henry. Now kids, I just want to let you in on some Real Talk: King Henry was probably not a loony tunes sadist who really liked having weird murder-sex. He probably did not bang* some noblewoman through a window and watch her fall to her death. He probably did not spend all of his free time experimenting with auto-erotic asphyxiation and encouraging his mistresses to participate in lesbian threesomes against their will. King Henry II of France most likely did not get off on forcing said lesbian threesomes to end in murder, just for funsies. And he almost certainly didn’t let kitchen servants tie him up and tell him he’s been a “bad king” in a weird bondage roleplay. But in the world of Reign, this is just another day in the life of King Henry. Between battling for the future of France, he’s just hanging out, taking his BDSM games to a new level. He even has a catch phrase! “I see a lust in your eyes…that will not easily be extinguished.” WHAT. King Henry is 50 shades of effing bonkers. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO HIM. Just when I think it cannot get crazier – seriously, he sexed a lady right out a window – it does.

Source: reigncw.co.vu

In last week’s episode, Henry poured hot wax down a guy’s ear, tried to get his daughter-in-law to sleep with a (female) servant in front of him (“pretend she’s Francis!” he frigging says) locked his own son up in the dungeons and then tried to kill him. I guess Bash knew he wouldn’t get a warm welcome, but he’s not having much quality father/son time these days – especially now that King Henry’s forcing him to marry his own mistress, Kenna. As if things weren’t awkward enough, right? Look, being mean is one thing. But if “teaching your son a lesson” means hiring men to stab him and “kinky fun”means “murder all the girls,” well, you’ve got some issues. Henry has A LOT of issues. I can’t even remember how many times I yelled at the television this week, WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING!? Because seriously. What is even happening? I think Catherine sums it up pretty nicely.

Source: kinghudson on Tumblr

What was your favorite WTF moment on Reign? Do you think Kenna and Bash will stay married – or will Henry take her back and have some more “fun”? Is Francis doomed to inherit this weirdo affinity for killing everyone he sleeps with? Is King Henry being possessed by The Darkness – and if so, do you think he has any teeth lodged in his body? Let me know what you think!

*TM Vanderpump Rules

5 thoughts

  1. You forgot my favorite moment. “Haven’t you heard? I’m titled now! I’m the Master of Horse and Hunt! Get on your horses and hunt.” LOLZ forever.

    Also why was King Henry barefoot while forcing his bastard son to marry his mistress while his other son and his daughter-in-law (who he tried to get to have a lesbian fling with the queen for a day) watched? I feel like they made him barefoot so people knew that King Henry was all cuckoo. Like we wouldn’t have been able to tell otherwise.


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