Hey guys, it’s time for elimination night on The Voice! You know how these elimination shows have about 85% filler and 15% substance? Well, I am here to give you what you want to know, minus all the time-wastiness (what, that’s a word) and unnecessary performances. It’s not exactly a live blog, but it’s live enough. I mean, I am alive like, as a human being. That counts, right? I will try to provide these insta-recaps weekly, assuming I am available to do so. Which let’s be honest, what else am I doing on a Tuesday night?
I don’t think I have to give a spoiler warning here, but I will anyway. Don’t read on if you don’t want to know who goes home!
So here we are. Carson is wearing a color that is not black (greyish?) and it’s weirding me out. Remember last night when all those performances happened? They sure did happen! There was singing and we all saw it and now we have to crush the dreams of at least one person. This is The Voice!
But first, we have our first awkward performance of the evening. Team Adam, complete with Adam Levine himself, are singing Peter Gabriel’s “Sledgehammer” and it’s just as bad as you could imagine. Man, Delvin is doing some thing similar to dancing, but not quite. This is the strangest set of musicians singing a very strange song. I do not enjoy it. However, we move quickly on to the first save of the night…from Team Usher, Josh Kaufman is safe! Yay! And America has also saved…fresh from her bizarre Peter Gabriel karaoke number, Kat Perkins is safe!
Carson is back from the commercials to remind us that it’s Earth Day and that we should turn our lights out. Good advice! Adam and Shakira give us some useless platitudes and then Usher takes some selfies. Riveting. Blake is wearing an actual jean jacket and he wants us to know that his team has human beings on it. Noted.
Back to the votes! Carson pulls out his handy envelope and he’s got two more artists who are safe…from Team Shakira, it’s Kristen Merlin! Hey, maybe next week we will get an entire song from her, am I right? From Team Blake, America has also saved Audra McLaughlin. That makes one contestant from each team safe.
After the break, Carson announces the show’s upcoming tour. He pronounces tour “too-were” and it’s very distracting. Also distracting? Shakira comes out in basically lace underthings and a robe to perform her new single, “Empire.” She is not even remotely singing. Like, not even a little bit. She’s not even trying. It’s a pretty cool song, though. Also, lacy underthings! That’s really why we’re here, right?
Segment where the teams give back to the community by volunteering tozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…fast forward.
And we’re back! Carson wastes no time in announcing the next save. From Team Adam, Delvin Choice is safe, which makes me at least 1/3 wrong in my bottom three predictions. Also safe: Jake Worthington. Knew that one was coming. People love their adorable country singers. And speaking of, here’s Team Blake and their coach to sing some song that I missed the title of. It’s country! I am fast forwarding again, but let me just say that Sisaundra Lewis looks like she wandered onto the wrong stage.
Back to our contestants…from Team Usher, Bria Kelly is safe! Boy she is freaking out right now. Bria, calm down. America also saves Christina Grimmie, making Team Adam 3/3 tonight. Christina is also freaking out. They really need to cut off the screaming reaction microphones. Yikes. One more is safe: Sisaundra Lewis! That also makes all of Blake’s team safe for next week.
In the bottom three are Tess Boyer, T.J. Wilkins and Dani Moz. Hey, I got 2/3 right! That never happens!
So apparently, we are getting last ditch effort performances from the bottom three. Did that happen last year? T.J. Wilkins gives us some of Edwin McCain’s “I’ll Be,” which I could’ve lived without, but here we are. Usher gets the hashtag wrong, but he means well. He wants us to hashtag-Voice-save, guys. Hashtag-Voice-save. Next, Dani Moz sings Adele’s “Turning Tables,” and guys can we just not with the Adele? Just no. She’s way ahead of the beat of the song, poor thing. Finally, Tess Boyer sings “Dark Side” (I think? I don’t know it…) and it’s also not very strong. These last minute live performances are not doing it for me.
Now it’s that awkward time where we wait for the real-time tweeting to come in. Interesting new development this year: during commercials, we can see the tally going for the bottom three. Tess seems to be pulling ahead. Dani is doomed. Carson comes back and announces that there is one more minute of real-time tweeting. There are some final words from Shakira and Usher, but the votes are in…Tess is safe! That means Dani Moz and T.J. Wilkins are heading home tonight. I am 2 for 2 in my elimination predictions and that’s it for tonight, folks. See you next week!