Last night on The Voice, Adam Levine bleached his hair. It’s blonde, guys, white-blonde a la Slim Shady circa 1999. It’s the most important thing that’s happened on The Voice in six seasons. This is more important than probably anything that’s ever happened in your life, too, let’s be honest. Carson Daly wants to dedicate the full two-hour broadcast to discussions, live-tweets and other witty banter regarding said hair, but there’s some aspiring singers who want to perform or something. Rude! He eventually allows them to take the stage, though reluctantly. There are so many Ellen DeGeneres and Miley Cyrus jokes to be made! Adam came in like a Wrecking Ball! Get it!?! Because he’s BLONDE, guys. Like Miley.
Okay, um. Sorry, let’s move on. First in the singing part of the show is Team Blake’s star Sisaundra Lewis. They always let her go last, so it’s interesting that she gets the forgettable first spot this time. Sisaundra’s mother, who is very religious, does not typically approve of Sisaundra singing secular music. She will be in the audience to hear Sisaundra sing non-church music for the very first time. Aww! Sisaundra keeps crying, even when she finishes “River Deep, Mountain High,” a Tina Turner classic. She kills it, no-doy, but I could’ve done without the weird, distracting dancers that got all up in her business.
Interjection: ADAM’S HAIR LOOKS LIKE SUSAN POWTER.
Next up was Josh Kaufman, the last man standing on Team Usher. It’s kind of cool that he’s the last one on Team Usher, because I actually think Josh has a chance at making it until the end. His rendition of “I Can’t Make You Love Me” is gorgeous. Like, goosebump gorgeous. But the melodic ballad and all it’s warm fuzziness goes completely out the window when Kat Perkins takes the stage. YOU GUYS I LOVED THIS. I know it didn’t receive completely positive reviews, but oh my gawd. She did a hard rock version of Daft Punk’s “Get Lucky”! The place turned into an actual concert, with the crowd bouncing to the beat. It was so fun! I am a total Kat Perkins convert. I even voted for her. On Facebook, of all places, so you know I meant it.
The following performance was from the lone survivor on Team Shakira. Poor Kristen Merlin, who barely got any air time for the first 10 episodes of the season, is now fighting for a spot in the semi-finals. I still really enjoy Kristen Merlin, but not so much Kristen Merlin’s music. She sings “I Drive Your Truck,” which is a silly name for a sad song about war veterans. After Kristen came Delvin Choice, one of three remaining men in the competition. Delvin should be banished forever and ever and ever amen for singing R. Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly,” but I have to admit that when he broke down it tears at rehearsal, it kind of got to me. It’s the dumbest, cheesiest song ever, and I will never be able to hear it without thinking of cartoons playing basketball, but dammit if Delvin didn’t do a great job.
Interjection: ADAM’S HAIR LOOKS LIKE KRISTEN MERLIN.
You know who believes he can fly? Jake Worthington. Okay, he probably doesn’t. But he believes in being a redneck – his words, not mine! – and that’s pretty much his goal this week. Both he and Audra McLaughlin perform back to back country for Team Blake and I’m starting to think that this season has too much damn country music. At least it’s not as bad as that season with the Swon Brothers. Ugh. But anyway, Jake sings some song about hillbillies (their words, not mine!) and as usual, I fast forward through it. Audra sings a song called “Forgive,” which I have never heard of. I have to admit, Audra is improving week by week. She’s not my favorite, but the song is lovely.
Topping off the night is Christina Grimmie, who is turning a little bit into Christina Gimmicky, if you know what I mean. Adam convinces her to do a Lil Wayne song called “How To Love.” Coming off her Drake cover from last week, Christina is hesitant. She doesn’t want to become that girl who does rap covers. But then hey, she decides to do it, becoming…that girl who does rap covers. I legitimately despite Lil Wayne’s music, so I don’t know the original, but she sounds great. I just think she needs to be careful about doing the same thing every week.
Interjection: ADAM’S HAIR LOOKS LIKE GWEN STEFANI.
What did you think of the top 8 performances? Who will go home? It’s a little unclear to me this week…everyone did a good job. I think, just due to popularity, that perhaps Kristen and Audra might be in trouble. Then again, it could be anyone’s game. The only one I’m sure of is Kristen – I think she will go home this week. Not because she’s not good, but just because she’s not great. If I had to guess, I’d say Audra will join her because I think the country vote will go to Jake. We shall see.
Here’s a bonus video: new coach Gwen Stefani performing “Hollaback Girl,” which is a song I am not ashamed to admit that I still love. This shhhhhh is B-A-N-A-N-A-S, folks. See you later for the elimination live blog!