Wherein I Try And Explain WTF Is Happening On Reign

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Okay so, confession time: I don’t even know what to say about Reign anymore. This week’s episode was so batsh*t crazy, it blew all the other crazy out of the water. Crazy is a line that was drawn way back when King Henry literally sexed a woman out the window and watched her plummet to her death. Crazy was a line drawn back when he got his jollies from autoerotic asphyxiation with a kitchen maid who was pretending to be the queen of France. Crazy is a line drawn back when THE DARKNESS (all caps for extra evil) left some fangs in Olivia’s back and the prophet Nostradamus had to pull them out with old-timey tweezers. In the immortal words of Chandler Bing, the line is a dot to Reign. This show has officially gone off the rails and I love it. Let this be your official spoiler warning, because we need to talk this out, guys.

First of all, I feel personally responsible for ruining things for poor Lady Lola. I mean, I went and wrote this big post about how much I love Lola and Julien together, which is definitely what jinxed the two and destroyed their chance at happiness, right? I am pretty sure it was me so, um…my bad. I really didn’t mean to do that. But uh, it happened. You know what else happened? ALL THE THINGS. I don’t know where to begin. Let’s just…try and sort this out, plot by plot.

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Poor Forgotten Greer

Let’s get the easy one out of the way first. Remember when Leith was fighting by Francis’s side and he saved his life and almost died? And Francis titled him and told him to return to court and marry Greer? Well, the soldiers have returned to court and Leith is not among them. Looks like he won’t be coming back after all. I don’t know why they even bothered, but that’s about it for Greer this week. Leith coming back? Nope. Okay, bye!

Kenna, Bash & Their Good Friend THE DARKNESS

Hey, so THE DARKNESS is still a thing! Bash is out in the Blood Woods looking for it again…still…I’m not sure. Time makes no sense on this show. I think this episode occurs a few months after last week’s? I don’t know. Lola’s been pregnant for about 18 or 19 months now, I think. But anyway: THE DARKNESS (all caps for extra evil). Out hunting for it, Bash and some of his men find a scared young boy who’s been attacked by THE DARKNESS. Bash knows this because he’s carrying the whistle that THE DARKNESS uses. Um, I’m sorry, but THE DARKNESS uses a whistle? That is not very scary. Gym teachers and band leaders carry whistles. Wait, is THE DARKNESS Sue Sylvester from Glee? Whoa. Anyway, Bash brings the kid back to be examined by Nostradamus. He can’t figure anything out, and the boy is not talking. Luckily, he takes to Kenna, someone who has never shown any motherly instincts at all. Okay, sure.

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Kenna and the boy, who is named Pascal, bond and stuff and he eventually tells her that THE DARKNESS took him to a place called Visiguard and kept him in a cave there. Nostradamus is like, “Cave, Visiguard, got it! Let’s go!” but Bash is hesitant because that is a pagan place and it means “where darkness rises.” Kind of ominous, but he’s more concerned with the pagan part. He doesn’t want Kenna to know he was born pagan, because the former mistress of his father might get all morally superior on him or something. However, Nostradamus and Bash decide to find Visiguard in the end and send Kenna and Pascal off away from court. The twist? Pascal is actually the son of one of the men Bash killed out in the Blood Woods earlier in the season (when he killed those two pagans to protect Mary). Oooh, so it’s a trap! Or the kid is THE DARKNESS? Or the kid works for THE DARKNESS. Or something.

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WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN? Ahem. Sorry. I am definitely still not over it, but I guess we have to talk about it. As I said earlier, Lola and Julien are doomed to be apart, mostly because Julien is not actually Julien. He is Remy, Julien’s personal secretary. WTF!? See, what happened was that Julien died in a fire. For real. Remy, an opportunist I must say, saw a better life there for the taking and well, he took it. He assumed Julien’s identity, came to court, married Lola and acquired her dowry. As we learned last week, he was going to book town after getting her family’s money, but he fell in love. Awwww too bad they are DOOMED.

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I guess Remy would’ve gotten away with it, too, but Julien’s pesky uncle shows up looking for him. This is where it gets complicated. Remy comes clean to Lola and she agrees to play along, if only to save Remy’s life. Also because duh, he’s dreamy and she still loved him. However, the uncle eventually catches on and discovers the truth. Then Lola accidentally murders him. OOPS. It’s all very weird and sudden. So then Remy decides to run away and fake his own death (as Julien) to save Lola’s life. This means Lola is back to being a single mama at court, having the accidental bastard love child of the future king. SUPER.

Crazy King Henry Is So Crazy, OMG

Finally, the royals. You guys, the royals are ALL NUTS. Bear with me, because this is pretty wackadoo.  Francis returns from Calais with the Duke of Guise, who is immediately up King Henry’s butt being all buddy-buddy. SHADY. King Henry welcomes back the troops and announces that Mary Tudor is dead, which is apparently news to everyone else. Why doesn’t anyone else know this? This seems like it would be big news? Whatever. So, Henry wants Mary to stake her claim on England ASAP so that they can have ALL THE COUNTRIES. However, Mary isn’t too keen on murdering her cousin (Elizabeth I, if you skipped history class) or starting another war so quickly. Too bad Henry is already planning on invading England and killing Elizabeth like, immediately.

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This is a problem. Henry is super crazy and they all know it. France doesn’t have the strength or resources to successfully conquer England and he’s going to get everyone killed. AGAIN. The solution? Mary and Catherine decide to have Henry killed. They should talk to Lola, am I right? Ha! But seriously folks, they hire someone to kill him. Francis finds out, gets pissed and is like, “I’m taking dad hunting instead, screw you all!”  So he does. There, they bond and Henry tells Francis all about his dead brother and his abusive father and it’s all very nice. Then Henry is like, “Sons must always make sacrifices for their fathers!” and Francis’s foreshadowing buzzer must be broken, because he’s totally clueless.

When they get back, Francis tells Mary and Catherine that it’s all good: he convinced Henry not to invade England. Spoiler alert: WRONG. But they call off the hitman, which is why it’s so weird when someone tries to kill Henry anyway. Henry fights back and basically beats the guy to death, getting his tooth lodged in his fist and then yanking it out, GROSS. The twist? Turns out that the Duke of Guise has been playing them all. He warned Henry about the hit on his life, but then also sent the guy to do it. It’s win/win for the duke, who winds up in Henry’s good graces regardless of the outcome.

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In the end, Henry basically hates everyone but the duke. Oh, and the ghost of his dead brother, who he keeps seeing in his madness. Remember the dead kid hallucinations? Yep! His dead brother! The final scene shows Henry ranting to the ghost, saying that he will attack England…but first, he will kill his son and marry Mary Stuart himself! Ooooh, boy. Thursday’s finale is going to be a doozy!

 

All screencaps taken by me, courtesy of The CW

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