This Is All For You! An Open Letter To The Characters Of Reign

Source: The CW
Source: The CW

Well Reign fans, the time has finally come. It’s the season finale and I feel like it’s been the longest, most absurd and delightful season of television ever. I mean, think about all of the things that have happened to a handful of characters. It’s not like I expected the life of Mary Stuart to be boring, but she’s seen some crazy sh*t, am I right? Not to mention that we’ve veered so far off the course of actual history that I’m not even sure we can call her Mary Stuart anymore. Can we just call her like, Mary Jones, a somewhat fictitious newly crowned queen of France? No? Fine. Long may she reign.

After a fledgling season this wackadoo, I wasn’t sure what to expect for this week’s season finale. I mean, we’ve had love triangles, secret marriages, not-so-secret marriages, forced marriages, arranged marriages and extra-marital affairs. We’ve seen death in just about every way – including getting sexed to death out a window, and no I will never get over that, thanks for asking. But we’ve also seen stabbing, beheading, torturing, poisoning, strangling (the murder kind) and strangling (the sexy kind). We’ve had war and battle and canons blowing up ships full of innocent people. We’ve had hidden secret children and ghosts and accidental pregnancy and not-actually-pregnant pregnancy and – oh yeah – a secret dark force that keeps mutilating and killing everyone in the town. I’ve probably only named half of what’s happened this season of Reign, but you get the point. This show jam-packs a lifetime of insanity into each week and I will miss it dearly over the summer.

Source: The CW
Source: The CW

So now is the time to say goodbye to our dear Reign family and give them my final thoughts on the season finale. Spoilers ahead, kids.

 

Dear Lola,

I don’t really understand why you were off by yourself in some random town. You’re like, fourteen months pregnant, aren’t you? Please tell me you didn’t ride a horse to get there, wherever you were going. It’s no wonder you went into labor. Hey, next time you decide to go out for a ride when you’re two minutes away from popping out a kid, how about bringing the midwife with you so you’re not stuck fighting for your life in some random woman’s cabin? Just saying. Anyway, I hope you don’t die, because I like you. You’re way less annoying than Greer, with about fifty times the story potential. I hope your baby survives as well, because now that Francis knows you’re having his child, things are going to get very interesting. Unless you die. Don’t die, okay?

 

Dear Greer,

Boy, Leith sure turned out to be a bag of d*cks, huh? Trust me, honey. You’re making the right choice.

 

Dear Leith,

You got a small house, not a pepper empire. Get a grip. I was kind of fond of you, but then you started yelling at Greer and didn’t understand why she needed to protect her sisters and save her family, which is something you always understood. I don’t know why you turned into a bag of d*cks, but you did. I’m sorry you didn’t blow up in that boat. “I’ll show you!” Oh God, shut up.

Source: The CW
Source: The CW

Dear Catherine,

Considering you had such a crazy season, your time in the finale was a little tame, no? Then again, your husband got stabbed in the face and died. I guess that’s not very tame. I felt kind of bad for you when Henry was all sweet, but then told you to take care of his mistress. What an ass, right? You’re better off, too. You should hang out with Greer and Lola and form a sort-of First Wives Club, or something. Or not. You know, whatever. I hope that Henry’s absence next season doesn’t dampen your spirit, or your desire to plot and scheme. You’re the most fun when you’re a-scheming.

 

Dear Nostradamus,

Um…hey. What’s up? I don’t know what to make of your place on the show anymore. You barely even helped with THE DARKNESS, even after all that stuff with Olivia and all that build-up with Bash. For an all-knowing prophet, you’re kind of useless, you know? You’d better amp it up next season, or I’m going to start hoping you get lost in one of those secret tunnels and never come out. Maybe you can figure out what happened to Clarissa, since everyone else seemed to forget about that storyline?

 

Dear Bash,

I have to say, THE DARKNESS was kind of a letdown. It wasn’t your fault. You did the best you could. I mean, you probably should’ve figured out a little sooner that Pascal was evil, but it’s okay that you didn’t. Dramatic build-up is nice sometimes, and you’re lovably dense. But the person under the mask? The actual DARKNESS? It was just some guy. I wanted it to be someone interesting, someone we knew or didn’t expect. But nope, just some rando dude with pointy teeth. Total letdown. I don’t blame you for killing him, even though it’s your fault now that everyone is going to get the plague. I hope you do something about that, because the plague sucks. Oh, also? You should be nicer to Francis from now on. He needs you.

Source: The CW
Source: The CW

Dear Kenna,

You’d better not get the plague. You finally have a nice life. Don’t mess it up.

 

Dear Francis,

Wow, dude, you totally killed your dad. I didn’t really think you had the balls, but you did it! It was awesome! I don’t think you should worry about telling Mary, though. I mean, you remember that she was literally hiring someone to kill Henry like, the day before? She’s not going to get mad at you. Probably no one is going to get mad at you, because your dad was the worst. I know you’re the king of France now, which is a lot of responsibility, so please don’t get the plague. But you can get back together with Lola if you want – I am still Team Bash all the way. #sorrynotsorry

 

Dear Mary,

Well, you made it. It was a hard year, but you made it through. Now you’re queen of Scotland and France and maybe soon, you’ll wear the crown of England as well. Okay, spoiler alert: no you won’t. Elizabeth will be queen and eventually you will get locked in the tower and die. But hey, no worries! Right now you’re cool, right? I wouldn’t think too hard about England. Just concentrate on your husband.  He’s totally going to die soon, maybe, so be nice to him in the meantime. Then, when he starts bleeding from his ears, you can leave him for Bash. It will all work out, Mary. You’ll see.

 

Dear Henry,

I have to say, Henry, you were a pretty rotten king. You were literally insane and maniacal and mad with lust and power. You strangled girls and tried to kill both of your sons and then you blew up that boat full of soldiers. Not cool. Still, I guess getting stabbed in the face is a suitable end for a scumbag like you. I will miss your  ranting, but I won’t miss your icky sex scenes. I hope in the afterlife, you and that woman you sexed out the window find happiness together.

Source: The CW
Source: The CW

Long may you reign,

Shelly

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Digital strategist. Pop culture junkie. Comic nerd. Bravo TV fan. Nap aficionado. Lover of fuzzy slippers, cardigans, decorative pillows, glitter, kittens, pie.

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