Here it is folks, The Voice live finale, and Carson Daly is possibly having an aneurysm. It’s worrisome. I will sit here and worry about Carson and write the last semi-live blog of the season. The coaches come running in and find their seats and Blake Shelton is definitely drinking alcohol. He points to it and Carson screams, “Sure, why not?” I have grown oddly fond of Carson Daly, you guys, and I’ve hated him since TRL after school in 1996. But I digress: The Voice! Your finalists are looking good. Josh Kaufman is wearing like, a magenta suit jacket, which is a pretty brave choice. Christina Grimmie has multicolored extensions. Jake Worthington is…wearing a cowboy hat and denim shirt, like he does every night. But hey, I have predicted pretty seriously that he’s going to win tonight, so who cares what he’s wearing?
Carson informs us that there was a glitch in downloading Josh’s cover of “Set Fire To The Rain” last night. Was the glitch that it was a bad cover? No? Okay. Well, iTunes had some screw-up, so all iTunes votes have been removed in an effort to be fair. It’s been confirmed that removing these votes did not change the outcome of the winner, so I guess it’s cool. We get a recap of last night’s performances, even though this is airing literally right after the hour-long Voice Finale Recap special. Thanks, guys. We’re all caught up.
Then we are forced to endure a song by One Republic because we have to. Do they help fund this show or something? Nude candids of the producers? Go away, One Republic. After the break, Adam Levine announces that whether she wins or not, he’s signing Christina to his label. That’s pretty cool. Shakira’s grasp on English words is even more tenuous than usual tonight. Usher says “journey” about 400 times, maybe because he watched The Bachelorette last night. Blake says he will miss Shakira and Usher. Aww.
It’s time to bring back some of the Top 20 for group performances! First up, Jake gets to bring back some of his friends: Kat Perkins, Kristen Merlin, Audra McLauglin, Ryan Whyte Maloney and Morgan Wallen. Hey remember Ryan Whyte Maloney? Me either. Jake refers to Kat as a “bad mamma jamma” and says that Audra can “blow the roof right off” and I am kind of fond of Jake Worthington, too, you guys. They sing “Summertime” by Kenny Chesney. I’m sure by now you know how I feel about the song (spoiler: I don’t like it). I like to think of this performance as “The one where Shelly goes and get’s a bottle of water from the kitchen.”
Oh God. Now we have a segment where viewers submitted Instagram videos about who they want in their Sprint “Framily.” If Merriam-Webster adds “framily” to their dictionary next year, I’m throwing myself off a cliff, FYI. Now it’s time for more singing! Christina Grimmie joins Ed Sheeran to perform his new single, “All Of These Stars,” bound to make many people bawl their faces off when they hear it in The Fault In Our Stars. This song is very pretty. I didn’t think I liked Ed Sheeran, because I only knew that song about the prostitute who was cold and addicted to coke or something. But now I am fond of him, too!
Commercials. More framily. Ugh.
Now it’s time for some soul! Every male contestant we voted off the show is back to sing “She’s Gone” by Hall and Oates. Oh hey, it’s that guy with the ponytail. I didn’t like him. But Delvin Choice is nice. I like the way he grooves when he sings. He’s got a great groove. Following that, it’s Mel B.! She’s plugging the new season of America’s Got Talent, but all I can hear is, “ZIG-A-ZIG-AHHH.”
Segment about Usher time! He likes to make up sayings. He cooks waffles. He calls Blake “A hairless Chewbacca,” which is strange, because he is not hairless. He thinks winning the voice would be “amazeballs.” You know what I think is amazeballs? The fast forward button. I am going to fast forward through this Justin Moore performance now. After the break, it’s time for Josh’s “bring back” performance. He’s invited T.J. Wilkins, Stevie Jo (guy with ponytail!) and Sisaundra Effing Lewis to sing “Am I Wrong” by Nico & Vinz, which is a song I have never heard of. This is turning into a theme. I’m starting to fear I am not “with it.” Hey, remember when Stevie Jo auditioned and Adam yelled, “HE’S A WHITE MAN”? That was fun. I don’t care about any of this. I just want to hear Sisaundra sing. Is it too late for her to win? Yes? Oh, okay.
Segment about Shakira time! You know that she is Colombian? Do not mess with her! HER HIPS DON’T LIE. That was basically the gist. Then Ed Sheeran is back! He is singing “Sing” and we’ve already done this, so I’m moving on. Back from the break, Jake is performing with Alabama. NOPE. Carson says, “Only 45 minutes until we announce the winner of The Voice.” Oh God, really? Forty-five? I should really be drinking alcohol.
The next performance is from the ladies we all voted off. It’s a total mish-mash of vocal styles trying to sing Rihanna’s “Umbrella” and it’s not very successful. Then, confessionals! The finalists talk about what winning would mean to them. Jake says he never thought a guy like him would make it on a show like this. Really? He didn’t? Has he ever seen The Voice before? Then Carson Daly gives them all a car. Each, not like they all have to share a car. Jake calls him a crazy sonofabitch and I am fond of him again. Josh calls his wife to ask which one she wants. Awww. Christina takes a neon green car. Jake is giving his to his grandma. OH STOP, JAKE. I LIKE YOU, OKAY?
Segment about Adam time! He says that every song is his favorite song. I have to admit, it’s an amusing segment. Maybe I’m just tired? But hey, now Josh Kaufman is going to sing with Robin Thicke. If Robin doesn’t hump Josh from behind while Josh twerks, I am going to throw my TV.
[Two minutes later]
IT DIDN’T HAPPEN, THAT’S IT I QUIT.
Okay, fine, I don’t quit. But man, what a missed opportunity.
Tim McGraw performance time. This finale seems to have a theme, no? Could it be because JAKE IS OBVIOUSLY THE WINNER? Hmm.
Christina’s “bring back” performance is with Bria Kelly, Tess Boyer and Jake Barker. They are singing Lorde’s “Team,” which is an interesting pick for a group song. But hey, it’s not a country song, so I’ll take it. I forgot how much Jake Barker looks like Johnny Bravo. Did we know that he can glide across the stage like Michael Jackson? I feel like we should have known that before. It’s pretty much the only remarkable thing about this performance. “Team” is, ironically, not really a song for four people to share.
Segment about Blake time! It’s basically him and Jake talking and being rednecks. It’s excruciating. Thank goodness for Coldplay, who’s up next to help erase that nightmare from our brains. Man, I do enjoy Coldplay. I also enjoy the way Chris Martin hops along on stage. It’s kind of like this:
Can you tell I’m a little bored? I am.
Back from the break and OH MY GOD IT’S TIME. After some tearful final words from our contestants, we have our results. In third place: Christina Grimmie! Huh. That’s kind of surprising. I thought she’d be runner up. The runner up, of course, is Josh Kau- wait. What? The runner up is JAKE WORTHINGTON. WHOA. That means that Josh Kaufman just won The Voice. I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING. Wow. Team Usher takes the win!
Josh and Usher are all smiles under an avalanche of confetti and then my DVR cuts off. I am in shock. What do you guys think? Did you see that coming? I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.
Me right now:
Did the right contestant win? Are you as shocked as I am? I AM SHOCKED, YOU GUYS. Let me know in the comments!