It’s that time again, time for the train wreck that is The Bachelorette. I am pretty sure that, generally speaking, nothing could be more unsuccessful or embarrassing than Juan Pablo as last season’s Bachelor, but I have high hopes for Andi Dorfman. She’s smart, savvy and unafraid to speak her mind. She’s also not afraid to say no when someone gives her some unwanted attention. Maybe this means we can weed out the scumbags a little early? Probably not though, let’s be honest.
In an effort to help a sister out, I’ve taken the liberty of going through Andi’s prospective candidates* and ranked them in order of worst to best husband material. I mean, after all, this is her journey toward marriage, or at least a few months of being engaged. We want to make sure she chooses the right guy. I will not be including the men she eliminated in the premiere episode, so sorry Emil “It’s pronounced ‘anal’ with an M,” but I am leaving you out.
From: Hanover, Massachusetts
Steady job?: Ummm, no. His career is listed as “pantsapreneur” which is patently not a thing. However, he does give Andi some nice pants later on in the evening.
Memorable first impression? Oh boy. Overly large bow tie, the whole pantsapreneur thing, calls the show a “love quest.”
Will he be a good partner?: I don’t know if he can even take care of himself. He seems like the kind of guy who eats a box of Lucky Charms in a mixing bowl for dinner.
Potential red flags?: Oh there are so many. On the website, he lists a “custom light-up costume for Burning Man” as the most thoughtful gift he’s ever been received from a girl, so make of that what you will.
From: Warminster, Pennsylvania
Steady job?: Hairstylist (and based on his hair, not a great one)
Memorable first impression? Well…he gives her a floor lamp that he stole from the hotel because his mother told him never to meet a girl without a gift. So it was memorable, yeah.
Will he be a good partner?: If his idea of planning ahead is stealing a lamp on the way to a date, probably not.
Potential red flags?: Seems to be kind of an idiot, plus the whole lamp thing. A LAMP.
From: Defiance, Iowa
Steady job?: Tax accountant
Memorable first impression? Pops some champagne in honor of her becoming the Bachelorette. It’s kind of corny, but nice.
Will he be a good partner?: He seems to be very excitable. Also, he was red in the face pretty quickly into the night, which means he was popping more champagne inside.
Potential red flags?: His worst date memory is puking on a girl. I’m thinking Craig is a drinker, guys.
15. Josh M.
From: Tampa, Florida
Steady job? Former pro baseball player, which begs the question: what does he do now?
Memorable first impression? His teeth are VERY white. It’s all I could focus on.
Will he be a good partner?: Are you into Crest white strips?
Potential red flags?: Definitely comes off as smooth and disingenuous. Andi seemed to be skeptical of his intentions.
From: Medicine Hat, Alberta
Steady job?: Sports medicine
Memorable first impression? “I’ve got a lot to offer.” Okay.
Will he be a good partner?: Too soon to tell, but he’d definitely make good arm candy.
Potential red flags?: Lists Third Eye Blind as a favorite band, says he speaks Polish fluently but then cannot speak any Polish.
From: Portola Valley, California
Steady job?: Social media marketer, which could mean a number of things – some of which constitute “not a real job.”
Memorable first impression? “Andi and Andrew has a nice ring to it.” Wah waaaaaah.
Will he be a good partner?: Andrew seems kind of cocky, which can be a turn-off.
Potential red flags?: Might be less into Andi than the experience itself.
From: Oakley, Kansas
Steady job?: Personal trainer. Considering he’s built like a truck, he seems to be okay at his job.
Memorable first impression? He pushes the broken-down limo up the drive.
Will he be a good partner?: Seems to be genuinely sweet. Also, can push a limousine full of men up a driveway.
Potential red flags?: Popped collar.
From: Longmeadow, Massachusetts
Steady job?: Accountant
Memorable first impression? He was very nervous. That’s about it.
Will he be a good partner?: He wasn’t really into hugging Andi when they met and said he needed time to warm up to her, which might’ve been a joke or maybe he’s just a weirdo.
Potential red flags?: Lists his biggest date fear as, “the girl being a mute” and things being awkward. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and say he doesn’t mean an actual mute, but it’s a questionable statement.
From: Grosse Pointe, Michigan
Steady job?: Opera singer
Memorable first impression? He would love to serenade her. I guess that was a given. He gets points from me for not doing some creepy serenading right then and there.
Will he be a good partner?: Describes his “deal-breaker” as a recently-divorced woman with kids.
Potential red flags?: Maybe hates kids?
From: Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Steady job?: Basketball coach
Memorable first impression? Wasn’t sure if his tie was crooked. Endearingly nervous.
Will he be a good partner?: Lists The Notebook as one of his favorite movies, so he’s either a sensitive soul or he says what he thinks women want to hear.
Potential red flags?: Lists John Grisham as favorite author. Yikes.
From: Fort Lauderdale, Florida (this guy totally lives in my neighborhood, FYI)
Steady job?: Firefighter
Memorable first impression? Gives her a globe as a gift with an arrow pointing to where they “start their journey.” Cute. Better than a lamp.
Will he be a good partner?: To soon to tell.
Potential red flags?: No, but nothing stood out, either. He honestly looked a little bored.
7. Nick S.
From: Kissimmee, Florida
Steady job?: Pro golfer
Memorable first impression? Drove in on a golf cart. Cause, golf.
Will he be a good partner?: Golf is a solo sport, so maybe he’s not a team player.
Potential red flags?: He’d like to meet Michael Jackson, which is worrisome.
From: Nahariya, Israel originally, now Nashville, Tennessee
Steady job?: Beverage sales manager
Memorable first impression? He seems like a very chill guy. Very well-traveled, great voice.
Will he be a good partner?: Lists Game of Thrones as his favorite show, which I count as a good sign. Or maybe he just likes nudity and violence.
Potential red flags?: Might be boring.
From: Clinton, New Jersey
Steady job?: Advertising
Memorable first impression? He plays soccer and introduced himself with a joke at Juan Pablo’s expense. I’m a fan.
Will he be a good partner?: Has a good sense of humor, which is a nice start.
Potential red flags?: I’m concerned that he would rather date Andrew, whom he bonds with over Formula 1 racing.
From: Denver, Colorado
Steady job?: Wedding event planner. Like some of the other men, I think this description is purposely vague.
Memorable first impression? The whole lock from Lovers’ Bridge in Paris thing is ridiculously overdone, but Andi seemed to be charmed.
Will he be a good partner?: He’s teaching himself foreign languages, so he’s open to learning and growing.
Potential red flags?: Kind of cheesy.
From: Lamont, Iowa
Steady job?: Farmer
Memorable first impression? Nothing too memorable either way. He seems to be genuinely there for Andi, though.
Will he be a good partner?: Family oriented, fourth-generation farmer means he probably has solid roots.
Potential red flags?: He answers the question, “What does your ideal mate look like?” with, “Slender, athletic, beautiful.” Either he took the question literally, or he’s very superficial.
From: Rialto, California
Steady job?: Debatable. “Sponsorship Salesman” could be anything.
Memorable first impression? He’s very good looking and confident. Also, HE GIVES HER A PLATE OF COOKIES! Then he makes an awesome metaphor about them and the black and white cookie. I would’ve married him right there.
Will he be a good partner?: COOKIES. On the website, he says, “My Saturday night consists of Netflix, cookies, and a glass of wine.” GIVE ME A RING, MARQUEL.
Potential red flags?: From the previews, it seems like he starts some drama later in the season. But then again, COOKIES.
1. Nick V.
From: Waukesha, Wisconsin
Steady job?: Software sales executive
Memorable first impression? Well, so far he’s just adorably humble and nice. Andi seemed to be smitten, even giving him the First Impression Rose. Had a great polka-dotted tie.
Will he be a good partner?: He has ten siblings, so he’s very family oriented.
Potential red flags?: None yet. He seems so sincere! Please don’t break our hearts, Nick. V.
I didn’t get a big assh*le vibe from any of these men, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t any in the bunch. It’s not a season of The Bachelorette without a couple of liars and douchebags. What do you think? Who are your top picks?
*Out of respect, I am leaving out Eric Hill, who passed away prior to the airing of the premiere.