I don’t like to be smug about things (yes I do) but I have to make one thing clear about this week’s episode of The Bachelorette, and that’s how much I called it about Craig. I so called it, guys. Craig? He’s a drinker. And boy did we see him drink on Monday’s episode. But I don’t want to get ahead of myself: Monday’s Bachelorette held many interesting moments. But mostly? Craig is a big drunky-drunk and Andi was not a fan. There was no lame song that could save his sorry ass. I don’t think anyone was sad to see him go, especially when Andi has such an assortment of superior men to choose from. This week, we got to see more from these men as Andi went on her very first dates of the season. Let’s talk about what happened, who got a rose and who got the boot.
First date: Eric
Not much can be said about Andi’s first one-on-one date with Eric Hill. I find the entire thing to be quite depressing and I’m sure I’m not the only one. Eric seems like such a sincerely nice guy – he’s very optimistic and fun loving and it’s not difficult to figure out why Andi was instantly attracted to him. I know that he was such an integral part of the show, and of Andi’s “journey,” that they couldn’t edit him out after his passing – and I’m not suggesting that cutting him would be the right thing to do, anyway. But it’s very hard to watch someone with so much life – especially when he’s falling for someone, which is such a sweet and genuine thing – when you know he’s no longer with us. Seeing him build sand castles and make angels in the sand is awkward and painful. I don’t want to say much more about it, because we know the outcome of this already. Eric seemed like a cool guy and I’m sorry he’s gone.
Second date: Group
For all the bittersweet emotions that Andi’s first date caused, her second date sure changed the mood. It’s always hilarious to me when someone on the Bachelor/ette gets hammered. The show almost seems to encourage it, what with the endlessly flowing bottles of champagne and open bar. So it’s no surprise when it happens – but it’s always funny. Remember last season when Victoria had a complete drunken meltdown and said she gave Juan Pablo the “hymen maneuver”? Yeah. It was like that with Craig, but with less gyrating. Well, with less gyrating once he was drunk – before that, it was nothing but gyrating as the men performed a Chippendales-style strip show, complete with costumes (firemen, soldiers and cowboys, natch) for Andi and some of her friends. Oh, and Chris Harrison, the unwilling victim of a lap dance, courtesy of Dylan. It was supposedly for charity, but honestly, they always make the contestants do some sort of humiliating strip tease.
For the most part, the guys did okay. Marcus was an apprehensive soloist, but he didn’t let his nerves get the best of him. Plus, he’s super hot, which doesn’t hurt when you’re stripping out of a pilot’s uniform. Nick S., on the other hand, was not so sexy as a “robot’ who decided to bend over and show the entire audience his um, data center. Andi was traumatized. I was too, and I had the benefit of the censored blur on my TV screen. Needless to say, Nick S. did not get the date rose.
Craig got weird even before he got drunk. At the show, he seemed to be pretty obsessed with Josh, repeatedly calling him a stud. He also stuffed his speedo so that his “package” would be more impressive. Because of course he did. Maybe that’s why he took a dive into the liquor as soon as he could. As the rest of the men tried to get some alone time with Andi, Craig went swimming with his suit on, yelled a lot, took all his clothes off, yelled some more. He repeated how Josh was a stud. He asked Andi what she hated most about her parents. He shoved Patrick and told him to “f*ck off.” All in all, Craig was extremely charming – and then he was escorted from the building and given a sober ride home.
Other topics of note: Josh doesn’t want Andi to think of him as “just a dumb jock,” though he’s done nothing to prove himself otherwise. Andi seemed to go for it, though. Ron tried and failed to get some quality conversation in (thanks, Craig) and Nick S. sealed his fate by joining Craig in the pool. In the end, it’s Marcus who won the date rose.
Third date: Chris
After the shenanigans of the group date, Andi was clearly discouraged. What if these guys were only here for the massive publicity, free vacations and endless parties? Whaaaaaaat?! Luckily, farmboy Chris was able to quell those fears with his broad shoulders and a bowtie. The two dolled up for the races, and I must admit they made a cute couple. Chris opened up to Andi about being previously engaged (too young, broke it off) and she acted like that didn’t matter to her. They bet on horses, talked to old people and then had a “private concert” with This Wild Life, AKA some poor band who will never live down this moment of disgrace and utter sell-out-itude. Andi and Chris shared a couple kisses as they danced and, of course, he got the rose. I mean, did you see those shoulders? Come on.
Coming into the second cocktail party, Marcus, Chris and Eric had roses and Craig had shame. Lots of shame. He tried, pretty lamely, to win back Andi’s affection with a song that featured lyrics like, “I bared my junk to thirteen other guys.” With raw emotion like that, I don’t know how she couldn’t get past it. But in the end, she couldn’t – Craig went home, along with his junk-baring buddy Nick S. Hot fireman Carl also went home, presumably because he didn’t get enough time to connect with Andi. It’s a bummer for Carl, because he’s nice to look at, but he was pretty quiet, so it wasn’t too surprising. Staying with us are Ron, Dylan, JJ, Marquel, Andrew, Tasos, Josh, Cody, Nick V., Patrick, Brian, Brett, and Bradley. I wrote a whole post about them, and I still can barely remember who half of them are. See you next week!