We’re only two weeks into the season and already The Bachelorette is giving us a shocking two-night special event. Isn’t it…a little soon? I mean, I’m not going to be too shocked about anything these guys do just yet – I don’t even know who they are! I mean, I guess if one of them transformed into a bear or something, I’d be like, “Whoa, I did not expect that human man to actually be a bear!” But so far, no bears to report. Just dating and normal, petty bachelor jealously. A little bit of arguing, but not about anything too scandalous (or bear-related). But hey, maybe tonight will bring the fireworks? Until then, let’s talk about last night.
First date: Nick
The proud recipient of the First Impression rose and my personal fave in the house, Nick, was asked to join Andi on this week’s first solo date. I like Nick because he seems totally normal. No weird affectations, no whiny stories about being misunderstood, no terrible hidden past that he’s anxious to reveal. He’s just a normal dude. A cute, somewhat subdued, normal dude who has some doubts about this whole process. Like, he’s happy about getting the date, but he questions it: “What are the chances of this actually working out between us?” You know what? GOOD QUESTION. THEY ARE SLIM, NICK. Some of the haters might describe him as “negative” but I like to think of him as “reasonable” or “sane” or “a man with functional brain capacity.” To doubt this process is pretty logical, since The Bachelorette is the most illogical way to find a wife ever. However, because we must be forced to believe in the process, half of Nick’s date with Andi goes something like this:
Nick: This whole situation is just so unnatural.
Andi: Of course it is, but you have to believe in it.
N: I like you.
A: I MADE YOU A BELIEVER.
N: But…it’s still weird.
N: But I like you.
A: YOU’RE A BELIEVER NOW.
N: But it’s weird.
The rest of the date is….a date. They climb a mountain, they discuss past dating experiences. They drink wine, they make out a little. Nick and Andi have nice chemistry and they get along and it’s super boring to watch.
Second date: Group
You know what’s embarrassing? Everything about this group date. I mean everything. First of all, we’ve got Boyz II Men, a truly talented group of legendary singers who spend their time performing at malls and casinos now. I mean, I love me some Boyz II Men, but let’s not pretend they aren’t washed up, guys. Because they are. Secondly, we have about a dozen grown men screaming like fangirls over them. I know they’re famous and all, but guys, calm the eff down. Third, we have Bradley. Oh, Bradley. We know you can sing, dude. You’re an opera singer. WE GET IT. PLEASE STOP. I cringed so hard at him singing “I’ll Make Love To You” in his opera voice, looking super-serious. I mean, I cringed so hard, I probably pulled something. It was not pretty.
Actually, none of it was pretty. Boyz II Men quickly discovers that hey, none of these guys can remotely carry a tune. It’s hilarious, though, because they still have to sing live in front of an audience. Damn, this unpredictable show. They get a front row seat to the Boyz’s (Boyz’z?) concert and then give a stunning performance of their own. I have to admit, it was so bad that it was actually funny to watch. I did enjoy Marquel’s dancing, though. He was seriously grooving. The rest of the experience can be summed up nicely by this one, brave young girl:
After the “concert” everyone gathers for a cocktail party, as per usual. Again, it’s fairly uneventful. Andi plays a dumb joke on Cody. Josh M. further worms his way into Andi’s heart (by way of tongue-in-mouth) and Marcus tries to get his first kiss. He’s successful, but disappointed when he doesn’t get the date rose. I’m just going to say it about Marcus: he’s kind of obsessed for a guy who’s known Andi for like, two weeks. All this nonsense about “their connection” and how she’s “the one” and they share “something special” is…a lot. Anyway, Josh gets the rose because he kisses her and says dumb stuff like, “I wanna kiss you every day” and she falls for it. FYI, they have very loud kisses and he moans a little. It’s gross.
Back at the house, Ron gets a call from home and learns that a close friend has passed away. It’s very abrupt and then Ron is gone. Sad face.
Third date: JJ
Hey, you know what would be fun for a first date? If we hired professional makeup artists to apply old age makeup to our faces and bodies, put on wigs and costumes, and spent the day roaming around Santa Barbara pretending to be senior citizens! That would be SO FUN. No wait, I lied. That’s really weird and kind of stupid and not very fun at all. But hey – it’s what Andi and JJ did, so let’s talk about it. As I said, the two get made over into old people – well, JJ does. Andi gets a grey wig and looks exactly the same. It’s kind of lame. They pretend-hobble around a park and then play touch football, a common activity for the ailing and arthritic. They make random people take pictures of them. They ride a carousel. The whole time, they’re like, “HAHA OLD PEOPLE.” I guess you had to be there.
JJ is all about it. I don’t know if you’ve figured it out about this “pantsapreneur” but he’s kind of a weirdo. Or, “quirky” as they politely put it. He thinks that Andi’s bizarro date shows that she “gets it” or something. Gets that he’s a total goof? Sure. I get that, too. I will say that I originally ranked JJ as the worst contestant on The Bachelorette, but he’s not so bad. He seems nice, at least, despite the overwhelmingly glaring red flags about his inability to socialize as a child. I mean, yikes. He and Andi eventually get into not-old-people attire and have dinner. It’s nice. Whatever.
Drama interlude II
Dylan is practically vibrating with the need to tell Andi about his dead siblings. It’s kind of strange. Since he doesn’t get a date this week, he vomits his entire life story onto Chris instead. Chris is like, “There, there, buddy. I have to, uh, go do things now…”
At this point, I am still waiting to be shocked. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t happen at the rose ceremony, either. Here’s what does happen. JJ is on cloud nine after his super old person date with Andi. He’s so happy, in fact, that he has to ruin it for someone else. It turns out that Andrew got a waitress’s number when they first arrived. This proves, of course, that he is Not There For The Right Reason, which is an offense so unimaginable, so despicable, so vile that it gets capital letters. JJ and Josh M. chase Andrew around the mansion for a while, trying to get him to admit it. Andrew admits it, but won’t acknowledge that he bragged about it. The mob, it is angry. The guys start to gang up. But…then that’s it. No one does anything about it. Guess what? Andi doesn’t send Andrew home. Shocking.
Meanwhile, Marcus corners Andi outside and whines about how he doesn’t get enough attention from her. Then he gives her a letter he wrote. Marcus, dude. Back the eff off. You’re starting to get creepy. Nick totally cockblocks Eric by sending Andi a bouquet of flowers. Andi furthers the humiliation by reading Nick’s sweet note right in front of Eric. Fun fact: Andi did not make the same adoring face while reading Marcus’s note. In the end, The Lamp Guy Brett and cringe-worthy Bradley are sent home. Bradley cries, but it’s still not as embarrassing as the singing. I guess tonight something interesting happens? Here’s hoping!