Real Housewives Of New York City Recap: 45 Things About “Sex, Lies And Facials”

Source: Bravo TV
Source: Bravo TV

Last week on the Real Housewives of New York City, the ladies (plus LuAnn) went to Saratoga for some horse racing and booze. All the ladies won money except for Sonja, who took the loss very well and showed what a good sport she is by getting totally sh*tface drunk, cussing everyone out and then pretending to leave town. Aviva’s father, George Teichner, came back to NYC and Aviva threw him a completely tasteless engagement party at the Museum of Sex. George celebrated by assaulting playfully squeezing Kristen and making lewd and threatening comments all night being a harmless, pervy old man. Ramona made George’s fiance Cody cry because Cody’s parents are dead and Ramona is a terrible human. George retaliated by telling Ramona how he would sexually assault her corpse. I can’t think of a funny replacement for that one, because there isn’t much room for interpretation there – he actually said he was going to sexually violate her dead body. So all in all, good times!

On a real real note, I received sooo much feedback on my open letter to Bravo about George and I was overwhelmed and vindicated and kind of depressed that my anger resonated with so many women. I wish George’s behavior was something more women could laugh about, because if we could, it would mean that violence against women – especially sexual violence – wasn’t a thing we had to worry about all the time. But it is. When crazy people keep shooting women because they wouldn’t have sex with them, or because they said no to a prom invitation, maybe networks like Bravo (actually, any network) shouldn’t promote people like George as something to chuckle over. I’m just saying. Anyway, I thank you all for your nice comments and basically, f*ck George, right? Now let’s move on and talk about this week’s RHONY, shall we? Here are some stray observations, thoughts and opinions:

1. We pick up right where we left off last week, with Sonja giving Kristen the most sloppy-drunk talking to ever. It’s pretty fantastic, but not as fantastic as Kristen’s impression of it later.

2. Sonja tries to pretend that she’s leaving for the Hamptons. When no one cares, she changes her mind and stays – but not before blathering on to poor chauffeur Andy about how everyone left her and she might get a booty call later.

3. Sonja settles an argument by farting. I guess that works.

Source: Bravo TV
Source: Bravo TV

4. Remember when Sonja Morgan was kind of goofy and wild, but classy? Like, she might do a questionable burlesque show or go commando, but she also turned heads like, in a good way when she was out on the town? That is no longer the case. Her drunken behavior in Saratoga was um, something. Yeah. The college frat party kind of something.

5. Carole on Sonja: “She’s also like tri-polar. She’s quad-polar.” Truth.

6. I do not have a small enough measurement with which to compare to you how little I care about Avery Singer’s adventures in adulthood. She’s learning to parallel park, guys. Hey, watch her back up a car! RIVETING.

7. For someone who isn’t an official Housewife anymore, LuAnn sure gets a lot of screen time. I would wager that she asks for money again when the season is over – I mean, she’s on more than Heather and Carole combined, isn’t she?

8. Speaking of Heather, why doesn’t she have more screen time? HEATHER.

9. LuAnn has a “Special Mystery Guest” at this her fashion show/charity event for cancer, but it’s not Miss America 2012, even though she is there. Aviva’s face when Miss America enters is so ridiculous. “I had no idea that the former Miss America would be here.” Why would you? It’s not your event. Oh my God, shut up Aviva, you are so dramatic.

10. LuAnn is trying really hard to make this “Special Mystery Guest” thing happen. LuAnn, stop trying to make fetch “Special Mystery Guest” happen!

Source: Bravo TV
Source: Bravo TV

11. Two minutes into the charity event for cancer and Aviva’s head is ready to explode re: her juicy gossip about Miss America. So she decides to TEXT HEATHER at a charity event for cancer. Heather, who is not a rude sh*thole, doesn’t have her phone out, because this is a charity event for cancer, but Aviva is like, “Did you read my text, did you, did you, didyoudidyoudidyou?”

12. Meanwhile: Bonnie Fuller, event sponsor from HollywoodLife.com, talks about how her mom had cancer. At the charity event for cancer.

13. Aviva: DIDYOUREADMYTEXTOMGREADITNOW!!! LOOK AT ME! ME ME ME!!!

14. I’m kind of disappointed in the rest of the women for passing Heather’s phone around and giggling, to be honest.

15. Why is LuAnn’s “Special Mystery Guest” wearing the V For Vendetta mask?

16. Carole is someone I would love to hang out with in real life, because she has my kind of sense of humor. Getting Aviva to bid more than $500 for a dress that should cost probably $100 max, just by egging her on? Hilarious.

17. WAIT IT’S KELLY KILLOREN BENSIMON!? Okay, that is special. I take it all back, LuAnn.

18. Scary Island. Never forget.

19. It’s great how Ramona still cannot stand Kelly. Can we bring Kelly back in place of Aviva? Will someone start a Change.org campaign for me? Thanks.

20. UGH AVIVA. Okay, so Aviva’s gossip re: Miss America is that she, George and George’s fiance Cody had a threesome. Miss America, not Aviva. Gross, you guys.

21. LuAnn’s face of sheer disgust and disapproval when Heather shares this news is perfect.

22. Hey you know what’s disgusting? EVERYTHING about Aviva and her father. I mean, why would she gossip about her father’s sex life? Why would she share this with people on television? Why would she bring it up at a charity event for cancer? What is wrong with her? Her desperate, revolting need for attention makes me kind of ill.

23. Ramona is a vile person 99.99% of the time, but the 0.01 percent I appreciate is her ability to sniff out bullsh*t. While everyone sits around questioning this Miss America story, Ramona waltzes right up to her – a complete stranger – and gives her the third degree. She has zero qualms about how inappropriate this is. She just wants to know the real story. Gotta appreciate her gall.

Source: Bravo TV
Source: Bravo TV

24. Spoiler alert: Miss America never slept with George and Cody.

25. You know who did have sex? Sonja Morgan. Kristen shows up at Sonja’s place for a facial date and Sonja still isn’t home from the night before. Kristen is alarmed by this news. The intern Naomi is like, “Ummm….yeah, I’m worried, too,” but her face says, “Oh, this happens literally every other day.”

26. I refuse to call Naomi “Pickles.” She has suffered enough indignity.

27. Sonja’s walk of shame is so amazing, you guys. She shows up in a cocktail dress, torn in half and hanging at her waist, with a man’s t-shirt. And a baseball cap. It’s the most incredible get-up I’ve ever seen. I mean, everyone’s been there and I’m not going to judge, but wow. Wow.

Source: Bravo TV
Source: Bravo TV

28. I guess we have to talk about Sonja’s facialist. I don’t remember her name, but I am not bothering to look it up because I’m not really into giving her the publicity she wants. It’s…kind of weird. And sad. My favorite RHONY recapper Brian Moylan said that it seemed like she Googled “RHONY gossip” and just repeated everything she read, and that sounds pretty accurate.

29. Some of the highlights: LuAnn likes to dominate short, French men in bed. Sonja and Carole’s ex-boyfriend Russ hooked up. One of those is probably true. I’ll let you ponder which one.

30. Sonja swears that this chick is the most amazing facialist in New York City, but when someone starts talking about “black market placenta,” I don’t let them near my face.

31. LuAnn is still pissed about Aviva’s rude display at her charity event for cancer. Furthermore, she tells Carole that Miss America wasn’t on her invite list. No one knows who invited her, in fact! Did Aviva invite her there for the sole purpose of drawing attention to herself with this disgusting gossip? (Spoiler alert: yes, yes she did)

32. I haven’t seen LuAnn this angry in a while. It’s awesome.

33. Carole has Aviva so pegged. I mean, this is nail on the head stuff, here: “That is what she does. She behaves in a disgusting, gross way. She talks about sexual stuff because she thinks it’s provocative and it makes her interesting. She is not interesting.”

Source: Bravo TV
Source: Bravo TV

34. Kristen naturally tells LuAnn and Carole everything that Crazy Facialist said. At first they laugh it off, but they also seem a little bothered.

35. Oh hey wow, Avery is buying accent pillows for her dorm. BRAVO TV WILL KEEP YOU UPDATED ON THIS DEVELOPING STORY.

36. Aviva’s “art show” party is super weird. “Let’s all come over and help me pick out art for my new home!” Except…she’s already bought all of it? She wants discourse? About the art? Huh?

37. Kristen: “There’s no Elvis art, so I’m not in love with anything.”

38. LuAnn: Still pissed! “She has 100% crossed the line and I am done with her!”

39. Okay, Sonja is definitely wearing the torn cocktail dress from her walk of shame, right?

40. LuAnn confronting Aviva about staging the Miss America thing is so classic LuAnn, except she says “bonking.”

Source: Bravo TV
Source: Bravo TV

41. “I swear to you. I do not invite that woman to your party.” Okay, Bill Clinton. Calm down.

42.  Aviva: “I am not responsible for my father’s actions.” LuAnn: “No, but you should be disgusted by them.”  SICK BURN, LU.

43. Aviva seriously asks, “Since when is LuAnn the policewoman of ladies lunches?” Um, since she literally wrote the book on it? Doy.

44. As usual, Aviva makes the argument spiral out of control and go on forever, chiefly by repeating the same two phrases over and over again at varying volumes. It doesn’t matter. The bottom line: she is a liar. She tells lies about her actions and worse, she tells lies about her father’s sex life. Not only is that super weird, but she’s spreading rumors that could damage the reputation of a woman who, by all accounts, has done nothing to encourage this attention.

45. I think Sonja sums it up pretty well: “This is why I have to drink when I’m around you b*tches!” Preach, Sonja.

In closing:

 

Source: realitytvgifs on Tumblr

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Digital strategist. Pop culture junkie. Comic nerd. Bravo TV fan. Nap aficionado. Lover of fuzzy slippers, cardigans, decorative pillows, glitter, kittens, pie.

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