Hello to my fellow Anglophiles! I have not been feeling so hot today, but I’m well enough to talk about my new favorite show, Ladies Of London. I am still loving it and I hope they continue on with show after the first season, don’t you? I need Caroline Stanbury on my TV – or, my telly, as she would say. This week, the ladies all gather for Marissa’s annual Fourth of July party, which I guess is a thing she’s been doing for several years, but it’s probably the first time most of the women are in attendance. Hooray for fabricated TV friendships! The party itself is lovely until Juliet and Annabelle ruin it by being an obnoxious American and a stuffy-ass Brit, respectively. But first, let’s talk about what else happened and what led up to the drama, which I am refusing to call KnickerGate.
Caprice, just coming off her “I’m Having Two Babies” PR Extravaganza, is in media heaven. The morning after the Serpentine Party, she and her publicist pore over the coverage and she’s thrilled to see her beautiful face and baby bump all over the place. “We’re above Kate Moss!” she squeals in delight. In all honesty, this entire scene makes her come off like the most self-obsessed person alive, but I suppose you have to consider the fact that she’s a model – when you’re a model, you are selling yourself as your brand and she’s just trying to remain relevant as she faces age and body changes that will end the modeling portion of her career. She still needs to keep Caprice out there somehow – and I guess showing up and looking gorgeous in a weird salmon colored dress with bug-like green patches is the way to go. In other Caprice news, her dog keeps eating his own poo and she tries to feed him pineapple to make him stop. I was so baffled by this, that I looked it up. Apparently, it makes the poo taste bad. Worse than, um, poo, I guess. Fantastic. Let’s move on.
Caroline Stanbury has the best job. She gets to boss everyone around and then handsome men show up with boxes of vintage diamonds for her to play with. Her luxury gift business, apparently, is all about finding the most incredible, exclusive items for her clients. This means that sometimes, she gets to try on a bunch of vintage jewelry, like the diamond bracelet Kate Winslet wore to the Titanic premiere. Caroline notes that in British society, you just don’t discuss how much money you have and you don’t show it off – in this respect, she says, she’s more an American. In other words, she likes a little bling. Oh come on, bling has no geographic boundaries.
Last week, I mentioned that Annabelle was incredibly boring because she did almost nothing – I guess they are making up for it this week, because now Annabelle is all over the place. First, she joins her older sister and her amazing Granny for tea. Her Granny, you guys? She is completely amazing. I love her. Can we have a show called Real Grannies of Bravo? Please? She’ll just say things like, “Oh, these cakes! Don’t they look amazing? None for me, thanks,” and I will roll around in delight. I’m officially pitching this, Bravo. Anyway, her Granny has a very long title. It’s the Marchese whoosy-whatsit Santinelli, which is passed down to the women in their family. The title was given to an ancestor of theirs who assassinated a “nasty” Italian count for the Queen of Sweden. As you do, I suppose. Annabelle is tickled by this story, as am I. Later, she visits a designer friend of hers, whose work reminds her of an early McQueen. It’s a fairly boring scene, though the clothes are pretty amazing. Annabelle is using her clout and connections in the fashion industry to help mentor this designer.
FYI, Noelle does nothing this week except make fake-concerned faces while everyone else fights. The editing in this show is rather uneven, isn’t it? Not that I missed her, or her mumbly boyfriend Scot. He’s not very charming, you guys. And cool it with the sweaters around your shoulders in July, Scot. I’ve been to London in the summer. It’s not sweater weather.
As I said above, Marissa is hosting her annual Fourth of July party this week, and it’s her last time hosting as an American citizen. She will be taking her test to become an official Brit soon, something that gets her a little choked up. Marissa definitely tries too hard, but she seems genuinely sweet. Her relationship with her husband is also pretty cute – they will be hosting the party at one of their restaurants and spend time together tasting dishes for the menu. The ribs look amazing, but are not very party-friendly. Burgers are a requirement, of course, but they’re turned into sliders for the event. Finally, they try the traditional American…lobster roll? Guys, that is not a hot dog. Even if you call it a “lobster dog,” it’s not a hot dog. Fire up some wieners on the grill or get out.
Juliet is supposedly co-hosting the party with Marissa, although I don’t see her actually do anything to help. It’s Marissa’s vision, Marissa’s venue, Marissa’s staff and Marissa’s food. The only contribution Juliet offers is, “We need a cardboard cut-out of Uncle Sam and Barack Obama,” which Marissa quickly (and rightfully) vetoes. Yikes. So on the day of the event, when Juliet shows up wearing a pair of cut-off Daisy Duke shorts, I’m not shocked. Juliet is tacky, you guys. Now, granted, the shorts aren’t all that short. I live in South Florida, I’ve seen much worse. But this definitely was not a cut-off shorts kind of soiree. It’s even worse when Caroline remarks on the shorts (“Have you forgotten your trousers? Did you have a fight with a garden shear on the way here?”) and Juliet informs her that they’re Christopher Kane and she paid a lot of money for them. Oh, honey. No. I know she’s in the fashion industry and all, but considering that Christopher Kane charges like, $700 for a jersey sweatshirt, she probably got ripped off pretty hardcore for those short-shorts. Idiot.
The shorts are only the tip of the iceberg for Juliet, though. Once Annabelle shows up (wearing all black, because she’s mourning her country’s second Civil War, oh my God shut up) things really go downhill. Annabelle tries to hold a conversation with a friend – they’re both discussing horseback riding – and for some reason, Juliet keeps trying to insert herself into the conversation. Did you know that she does power yoga to rap music? Well, now you do. She’s super annoying – like, the kind of girl at a party who everyone wants to get away from. Annabelle tells her to slow down and stay quiet several times before losing her patience. And yes, she is rude about it. Annabelle is basically rude about everything. But honestly, Juliet, buy a clue. She doesn’t like you and you don’t fit in with her friends. Since you seem to have nothing in common and you don’t like her much, either, isn’t that okay?
Of course, Juliet is livid. How can Annabelle be so rude? Well, she just can, Juliet. But she says it with such a posh accent, it almost sounds polite! Things really get weird when Juliet performs the Star Spangled Banner for everyone. It’s not Roseanne Barr levels of terrible, but it’s off-key and embarrassing to watch. Like, you think she’s going to laugh it off after a couple of lines, but NOPE. Crazy Juliet has maybe had one too many white wine spritzers, because she sings the whole damn thing. Caprice is all, “This is why British people make fun of Americans.” Um, attention all British people, let me be clear: this would also be cringe-worthy in the United States. It gets to be too much for the stuffy Annabelle when a friend shows up to give Juliet some lingerie as a gift and Juliet waves the panties around asking if anyone has a big ass and would like to try them on.
The thing is, yes. Juliet is tacky. The underwear themselves are really not that big of a deal, but waving them around and saying that? Not classy. Of course, Annabelle also totally overreacts, getting up to leave without saying goodbye. See, now that is also classless! You always say goodbye to the hostesses, right? But Annabelle is over it and marches out without so much as a glance. I will say this about Annabelle: no matter how much she tries to say how rock and roll she is, leaving a party because there was singing and some underwear kind of proves how full of sh*t she is. You are the least rock and roll person I’ve ever seen, Annabelle.
Juliet, who is definitely drunk at this point, runs after Annabelle because she never learned when to let things go. They get into a fight like, “You’re rude! No you’re rude!” and it’s a fairly circular argument. Side note: I forgot how many people in England still smoke cigarettes. It really is so much more common there. Anyway, this fight. Something I found particularly gross was when Annabelle says, “God, you’re special needs,” as an insult to Juliet. That’s a pretty disgusting thing to say and I’m surprised she’s not getting more backlash for it. Maybe in England, you aren’t allowed to talk about panties, but you are allowed to use terms about the handicapped pejoratively? Doubt it. I’m not really a fan of Annabelle’s anymore, guys.
In the end, Annabelle gets a cab and leaves. Juliet gets a talking to from Caprice about how loud and overbearing she is. Caprice’s hormones must be on overdrive, because she also runs after Annabelle like a lunatic, trying to stop her from leaving in the middle of the street. It’s all very dramatic. Caroline just seems to be amused by the whole thing. Everyone is acting like a freak and she’s cool as a cucumber. The British, she explains, do not make a scene. I think that might change next week, though, when she goes head to head with Caprice!
What did you think about the drama between Juliet and Annabelle? Who was really the rude one? Let me know what you think!