Every week, I watch the Real Housewives of New York City and I say to myself, “This week, I won’t just hate on Aviva. I will write about the other cast members. It will not be another Aviva hate blog!” And I nod and I watch the episode with this firmly in mind…and then all I want to do is complain about how much I hate Aviva. You guys, seriously. I just. Cannot. With. Aviva. Drescher. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, I really do. I don’t know what it’s like to suffer from asthma or have only one leg or to be a pathological narcissist who cannot tell reality from the false delusions in my mind. I want to be empathetic! Aviva, she suffers! But oh, she makes it so hard for you to feel anything for her but exasperation.
But let me back up – this week, the RHONY gals are headed on another group vacation, this time to the lovely…Montana. You know that part in Wayne’s World, where they are doing the travel promotion bit, and they get to Delaware? And they’re like, “Hi…I’m in Delaware…” because there is literally nothing to do in Delaware? Well, Montana is the same way, except there’s a lot of horse poop. Why did they go to Montana? No, seriously – is the ranch owned by someone at Bravo’s niece? I cannot think of a single reason why any of them would want to visit Montana. But okay, fine. It’s happening. MONTANA, BAY-BEE. Kristen’s planned the whole thing and as usual, Carole and Heather are up for anything while Sonja and Ramona are big baby whiner-faces. And what of Aviva, you ask? Well, she wants to go. Really she does. The thing is, she has contracted…[whisper voice] The Asthma.
Yes, it’s true. Aviva has been officially diagnosed with moderate to severe asthma. Moderate to severe, just in case you thought this was a light condition! Oh, it is not. It is moderate to severe, which we all know is worse than average. Aviva is also concerned that the altitude will exacerbate The Asthma. Plus, she’s allergic to horses! Um, didn’t she go to a farm earlier this season? I’m just saying. Anyway, she was very much looking forward to this trip because she was “kind of a buzzkill last year,” what with going on a psychotic rampage and calling everyone white trash. “I really want to go on this trip and show you guys my fun side!” she says between wheezes and desperate gasps for breath. No, just kidding, she’s fine.
Aviva is truly hoping for good news from her doctor, because God knows she needs a doctor to tell her whether or not she can go on vacation. It’s not like she’s a grown woman who can assess her own well being or anything. Unfortunately, the doctor has bad news. Her case of The Asthma is just too moderate to severe to make it. Going to Montana might literally kill her. One whiff of that dusty, high-altitude, horse-ridden air and Aviva is likely to drop dead, right there on the ground. Because the risk is so moderate to severe, she has to skip the vacation.
And thus, with her last breaths, Aviva brings the bad news to her friends. “So, I have this note…” she begins, because a grown woman just got a doctor’s note to say that she
was excused from the class field trip couldn’t go on vacation with her other grown woman friends. Let’s rewind: she got a note from her doctor to excuse her from the vacation. It’s a good thing that Aviva is not a liar, because this defensive sort of behavior might make her look like a liar. Naturally, Kristen is skeptical.
Aviva, if you recall:
- Never wants to go on vacation with the girls
- Has a history of lying and exaggerating
These facts, when put together, might lead one to believe that Aviva is not telling the truth. But you know what? THAT IS RUDE. Aviva has The Asthma, and Kristen is just a cruel, insensitive hag with her clean lungs and stupid face. How dare she? If she was lying, Aviva asks, would she have these inhalers? Oh, and just in case Kristen didn’t see the inhalers, Aviva throws them at her to make sure. Let’s rewind: she throws a bunch of inhalers at her friend. But you can’t really get mad at someone who is suffering from moderate to severe asthma, can you?
In the end, only Kristen, Carole, Ramona, Sonja, Heather and LuAnn head off to Montana. They have moderate to severe fun while Ramona gets moderately to severely wasted. And Aviva? Aviva stays home, breathing in that fresh, clean air New York City is so famous for.