Hello Bachelorette fans and/or hate-watchers! I am back after a week-long self-imposed vacation from blogging. Life got a little too hectic for me, but now it’s under control and I can get back to the truly important things in life, like Andi’s Journey To Love™ and the dating mishaps of her increasingly pathetic group of suitors. Priorities! Last week, Andi took her men to Italy and gave Nick a second one-on-one date, much to everyone’s disappointment. The other guys do not like Nick, y’all, and it’s important that you remember that. It’s alright, though, because Nick is a big enough Nick fan for all of us. Cody also got a one-on-one, but after word-vomiting all over Andi a little to enthusiastically, he was sent home. The rest of the bachelors got a group date with a lie detector test, where we learned that Dylan has bonked more than 20 ladies (despite his 8-year relationship and being only 26 years old???) and that he doesn’t wash his hands after using the restroom. At least twenty women probably felt pretty gross after that little nugget of wisdom. Josh didn’t have any big secrets, but he was NOT A FAN of the lie detector test because TRUST IS IMPORTANT or something. He made sure Andi knew this, by saying it about fifty or so times. Then my winner for Most Improved Bachelor, JJ The Pantsapreneur, was sent home. Goodbye JJ, you gigantic manchild.
This week, Andi and the bachelors are off to Belgium because, hey, why not? We are reminded early on that Nick is Not There For The Right Reasons™ and he’s more interested in strategizing and winning than falling in love with Andi. Urgh. I have said it before and I will say it again: wanting to forgo all the bullsh*t group activities and just spend time with Andi doesn’t seem wrong to me. Is Nick arrogant? Yes. But come on, guys. None of you actually want to be on a group date. None of you actually care more about The Journey™ than you do about getting the girl. Just because you drank the Chris Harrison Kool-Aid and Nick still prefers dating one-on-one to six-on-one doesn’t make him a villain. It makes him a logical human being who says what he is thinking instead of waxing poetic about how grateful he is for this “opportunity.” Hell, maybe I am wrong. Maybe Nick really is a bad dude. But everyone seems awfully eager to make him out to be the bad guy and I just have a hard time seeing it.
First date: Marcus
Real talk: Andi’s dates are so boring. Did she tell producers that she didn’t want to do anything, or what? All she ever does is walk around and eat. Don’t get me wrong – that sounds great! But for The Bachelorette, it’s awfully lame. Speaking of lame, let’s talk about Marcus. Oh God, Marcus. I just don’t know what to say about him anymore. He’s been about ten levels past crazy stalker behavior for weeks now, so his desperate declarations of love are nothing new. Still cringeworthy, but not new. He tells Andi about how he’s been “journaling,” which makes me actually curl up into a ball and start twitching. Attention all men out there: do not ever say you’ve been journaliing, ever. I don’t care if you keep a journal. Just don’t say that. Twitch. Twitch.
Andi doesn’t seem to mind the journaling, but she does have some concerns about Marcus. Last week, he confessed to her that he’d almost left the show. Andi was shocked! But now he wants to be clear: it wasn’t because he didn’t want to be with Andi. No, it was because he felt so much for her, it was frightening to him. Andi, instead of calling for security, thinks this is sweet. Oh, you felt so overwhelmed by the intense feelings you had for a complete stranger, that you wanted to run away? Awww. Then Marcus tells her all about his deep-rooted daddy abandonment issues, and how his mom was basically abusive, so he’s all effed up from that as well. Oh, but he’s in love with Andi. Sounds great!
Marcus gets home pretty early from his date with Andi, because I guess you can only sit in a castle and talk about your messed up childhood for so long. Meanwhile Nick, who is Not Here For The Right Reasons™, is strategizing. He wants to – gasp! – see the girl he’s interested in. THAT RAT BASTARD. So Nick sneaks out of the hotel suite and gives some weak story about how “his wife” has his room key, which would concern me on a security level, if this wasn’t so obviously all staged by the producers. I mean, maybe the woman behind the front desk should have asked for his ID, but maybe she saw the camera crew behind him and was told to give him the room key anyway? Whatever. The point is that Nick surprises Andi in her room. She is so surprised! Nick, you sneaky little devil. Even though Andi feels momentarily guilty, she leaves with Nick. They make out in various locations around Belgium and he says he wants to marry her. Actually, he says he’s going to marry her. Okay, buddy. Simmer down.
Second date: Josh
Hey, guess what Josh and Andi do on their date? Walk around and eat! So exciting to watch. The pair wander around Belgium and eat chocolate and drink beer and discuss how last week was kind of awkward for both of them. Remember that lie detector test? Josh is still not a fan. But it’s alright, because Andi seems to think that Josh has “the personality that every girl is attracted to,” which, no. As a member of the “every girl” community, I can confidently dispute this statement. However, Andi is all about Josh and his winning personality. Then the two of them walk right past the effing Ghent Altarpiece and Josh says, “That’s nice.” I want to throw things.
All Andi can think about is whether or not Josh is Ready For Love™. He hasn’t “opened up” or “shown vulnerability,” which I think is pretty untrue, considering how much this guy talks about his damn feelings. What Andi really means is, “He hasn’t told me that he loves me yet.” This is, of course, a prerequisite for hometown dates, which are coming up next week. Luckily for Andi, Josh knows what’s expected of him. He tells her that he’s “falling in love” and she’s like, “Phew!” and then they make out. Great date all around.
Not really, but I’m super concerned about Dylan’s hair, you guys.
Third date: Group
The remaining men – Nick, Chris, Dylan and Brian – join Andi for some grueling group cycling. It seriously looks like the opposite of fun. Maybe they should go back to walking around and eating. After they bike uphill for a while – seriously – they arrive at a monastery. Kind of a weird place for a date, but okay. Andi makes sure to tell them that there is one rule: no kissing allowed! Each bachelor makes a point to say at least once how much they “respect” this, even though they totally want to make out with Andi. Chris gets some alone time with Andi and they make some pottery. Also random, but whatever. I am assuming, at this point, that the producers are drunk. The pottery goes nowhere. Like, we don’t even see a finished pot. Total waste.
When Andi and Chris return to the group, Andi gives them all some serious news: the date will only continue with one of them. The rest of the men will
die be sent back to the hotel to feel inadequate and alone. It’s no surprise to anyone (well, to me at least) when she chooses Nick. The men are baffled! Nick is Not Even Here For The Right Reasons™! They don’t understand how he keeps managing to “win” Andi’s attention. Maybe it’s all that “strategizing” he does, hmm? Chris, Dylan and Brian grumble and pout all the way home. Nick and Andi continue their date at the monastery, where they spend time talking about how much they want to kiss, but they won’t because of respect.
Later, Andi and Nick have dinner. He gleefully reminds us that this is essentially his third one-on-one. The dinner itself is pretty boring, except that Nick talks about their future children with such certainty, it’s kind of creepy. When Nick gets back to the hotel, there is an awkward silence that goes on forrreevvveeerrrr. Then Brian lays into him. Did you know, Nick, that no one likes you? It’s pretty dramatic, how much they dislike him for no real reason whatsoever.
Everyone playing at home should’ve guessed by now that Brian and Dylan go home. Because yeah, they go home. Dylan seems appropriately bummed, though a bit resigned since he’s used to his life being one major disappointment after another. Brian pouts and whines like a huge baby about how he “literally gave her everything,” which, no. You did not, sir. Then he gets angry when he hears the remaining contestants laughing. I guess I should expect this kind of behavior from someone who literally gave Andi the silent treatment because he didn’t want to cook dinner. Shut up Brian, you big baby. Next week: Nick, Josh, Marcus and Chris take Andi home to meet their families. Also, news of Eric Hill’s death hits everyone, so I guess we have to deal with that again.