I could probably write a dissertation on how much Alison DiLaurentis sucks. I mean, seriously. She is honestly the worst, right? Not only does she come back from the dead and force her best friends to lie about it – to their families, to the school and to the police – but she’s still keeping secrets. Lots of them. Like, for instance, what did Spencer’s dad say to her that night, when he offered her a ride home? Why didn’t she mention it to anyone? What was she looking for in Ezra’s manuscript – and why hasn’t she discussed it with Aria? What was it about that painting in the funeral home that made her freak out and run away? Oh, and where did she get that mysterious scar? Ali sure knows how to hide things, and it doesn’t look like she’s going to open up anytime soon. Meanwhile, things aren’t so great for the rest of the Rosewood Liars, either. Let’s see what we can make of this week’s episode!
1. If anyone in the Rosewood PD decided to confiscate the Liars’ laptops, they’d all be under arrest. I mean, Spencer is Googling about arsenic poisoning and Aria is playing the clip from Shana’s funeral on repeat. Guilty behavior much? Side note: is putting video clips from funerals up on YouTube something people actually do? Morbid.
2. Speaking of illegal activities, it looks like Rosewood’s favorite shoplifter is back in action. Fortunately for Hanna, her original arresting officer happens to be very dead, courtesy of CeCe Drake. Unfortunately for Hanna, it looks like someone else was spying on her.
3. What is Mona’s Army up to? Just how bad is it going to be? It seems like Lucas was having second thoughts about it – whatever it is – until Mona told him that Alison was never kidnapped in the first place. Now I think he’s back on board. Will Paige join in as well?
4. For real though, Ali has to know that people aren’t going to welcome her back with open arms – and if she didn’t know before, she sure knows after reading that website. It must be pretty brutal to read an online forum dedicated to celebrating your murder. And while we’re on the subject of murdered students, why doesn’t anyone know that Shana is dead?
5. Spencer and Andrew should totally just do it, right? I am so over Toby.
6. So, not only does Alison have a scar from getting conked on the head by her mystery assailant, but she also has a pretty serious scar on her thigh. It looked to me like a stab wound of some sort. She totally lies to the doctor about it, but since he didn’t seem like an idiot, I don’t think he believed her. Hanna doesn’t either, obviously – she knows that Ali wasn’t kidnapped, so where’d she really get the scar? “I wish I was blindfolded when I got that scar…Once you know something, you can’t unknow it,” is all Ali says. SERIOUSLY? THAT’S IT?! ALI, YOU SUCK SO BAD.
7. And on the subject of people who seriously suck hardcore, let’s talk about Spencer’s dad. Looks like Jessica DiLaurentis was killed by someone tampering with her blood pressure medication. The toxicology report showed Losartan in her system, which would’ve stopped her heart. Spencer finds a prescription made out to her father for…Losartan! Dun dun dunnnnn. Is Peter Hastings really dumb enough to poison someone and then leave the poison lying around, with his name on it? I don’t think so.
8. Also, that prescription was totally written by Wren, right?
9. Peter’s motive for killing Jessica is kind of weak. Supposedly, Jessica believed that Spencer killed Alison and she was going to go to the police about it. Peter stopped her by threatening to reveal their affair – so Jessica stayed quiet. But after Ali’s parents decided to separate, there was nothing keeping Jessica from turning Spencer in – Peter killed Jessica to protect Spencer. I am…not buying it. It’s a good red herring, but it just doesn’t make a lot of sense. Why would Jessica choose a sh*tty marriage over her child’s life? Why would she tell Peter, “I can’t protect you anymore,” if he was blackmailing her?
10. I’m still confused, though. We know that Spencer didn’t hit Ali on the back of the head – but someone did. Also, someone else killed whoever is in Ali’s grave. Jessica only saw the first one, though – so she knew it wasn’t Spencer. Right?
11. Less confusing: I like Hanna’s new hair.
12. What is the deal with this Sydney chick and why doesn’t she ever wear her super-long hair in a swim cap if she’s a competitive swimmer? FISHY.
What do you think – who gave Ali that scar? Did Peter Hastings really kill Jessica? Will Mona’s Army ruin Ali’s return to Rosewood, or will uber-Ali return with a vengeance? Give me your theories in the comments!