I have a very serious question about this season of The Bachelorette: will it ever end? I don’t know, you guys. I just don’t know. I’ve aged a lot, going through this journey with Andi. I think I got arthritis? I’m not sure. It’s been a long road, is what I am saying. This week (week 34? 87?) Andi and her three remaining suitors take a trip to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic, which undoubtedly is the perfect place to fall in love™. As usual, Andi’s dates mostly consist of: walking around the city, exploring the city, and getting to know the city. There’s a brief interlude with horses, but honestly, it doesn’t go very well. In addition to hating the horses, Andi also decides that she’s just not that into one of her final three contestants. Let’s talk about what happened.
First date: Nick
Hey guys, did you know that Nick started out skeptical about this whole experience, but he’s slowly come around? Well, that’s the truth. He wasn’t too sure about this whole dating a woman on national TV who is also dating like 20 other men thing – but boy has he changes his tune! He loves Andi – he’s never felt this way before. But he hasn’t told her yet. Luckily, they’re in beautiful Punta Cana, a perfect place to fall in love, or as it may be, to tell your girlfriend that you love her before her two other boyfriends can say it. Somewhere, Marcus is crying.
On their date, Nick and Andi take a helicopter and make out. They make out on the beach. They make out in the water. They get out of the water and make out. It’s a really interesting thing to watch, this making out in various locations on the beach. Fascinating. As Andi munches away on pita chips or something, Nick stammers through an attempt to express his feelings. Ultimately, he’s unsuccessful. He’s like, “Yeah, I…stuff. Hi, so, words? Andi!” and Andi seems to be doubting his commitment. She’s also a little concerned about his past engagement, which he sort of brushed over with her, though his family was like, “Nick was a total f*cking mess, TRUTH.” Nick admits that his fiancée broke it off and he “shut down” for about six months. Now he “looks back and laughs” about it, because okay? Andi finds this acceptable, because she’s sort of an idiot when it comes to Nick.
At dinner, Nick comes prepared with helpful props. “I want to tell you a story,” he says, opening up a handmade children’s book. I honestly cannot decide if this is cute or not. I think it would be, if this wasn’t The Bachelorette. His book, complete with crayon illustrations, tells the story of their relationship. The end of the book has empty pages to symbolize that their journey will still go on and they have yet to fill it in. Andi pees herself, basically, and says she loves it. “I love YOU!” Nick says, but Andi ignores him? So he gets up and takes her under a tree for no reason and says it again. He loves her. Andi is like, “Cool, let’s have sex in the Fantasy Suite,” and so they do.
Second date: Josh
OMG, I am so sick of Josh. Can we just forget he exists? No? Okay. Fine. But Josh is so tedious, you guys. When he sees Andi, he thinks she looks amazing. As they walk around the island, which Josh thinks is amazing, they see the local sights. The sights? Amazing. Because she cares so deeply about the things he cares about, Andi takes him to a baseball field and they join a group of children for a game. Playing baseball with the kids is amazing. Andi was really thoughtful for choosing to play baseball with him, because he used to play baseball professionally. “WHAAAAT!?” you ask – wait, no you don’t. You knew that. Anyway, baseball is amazing. The date was amazing. Amazement in itself is truly amazing, especially when you’re with Andi, because she is the most amazing girl.
At dinner, Andi questions Josh’s ability to get serious. I am, frankly, amazed that they’re still having this conversation. Josh says some stuff about how he’ll make a great dad and he wants to “do whatever” with kids, which sounds vaguely alarming but I guess he just means baseball and not tying them up in a basement. Hopefully. Andi thinks his answers are amazing and they share some amazingly loud kisses. She offers him a night in the Fantasy Suite, which he thinks is- oh, you get the point.
Third date: Chris
Despite how much Andi likes Chris, she doesn’t know if she’s comfortable spending the night with him. “OMG ANDI IS BLIND!!!” everyone at home screams. No, just kidding. She’s being mature, I get it. I just…can she not see Chris? I’m just asking out of concern. For her vision. But anyway, she’s not sure if she and Chris are in a place when she wants to take that step. She had a great time at his hometown date, and he’s a great guy, but she’s just not feeling it. She’s also not feeling their horseback riding date, which is not very romantic at all. Andi is terrified of horses and spends most of the time freaking out. Unfortunately for Chris, this is the high point of their date.
At dinner, Chris declares his love for Andi. She bursts into tears. Then she does that thing, where she uncontrollably word-vomits all over him. Andi needs to take a course in how to break up with someone. Breakups 101. First tip: do not ramble on endlessly for thirty minutes. Just pull off the bandage and let them go. Chris sits there and listens, his face scrunched up in pain. It’s kind of awful, especially when she’s like, “I can’t blame Iowa, because I just don’t want to be with you, haha!” No Fantasy Suite for Chris. Ouch.
Chris heads home in a limo and cries a bit. He’s heartbroken, obviously. I think that contract to be the next Bachelor will make him feel better, though.
Totally unnecessary recap with Chris Harrison
Oh jeez, shut up already.
Chris Harrison welcomes Nick and Josh to the rose ceremony, pointing out almost needlessly that Chris is not there. Well yes, they can see that. Even though only two of them are left, they will still have a rose ceremony. I guess they didn’t want to waste those nice boutonnieres? Well, guess who Andi gives a rose to? If you said Nick and Josh, you win! They accept her roses! That was super uneventful, you guys.
Next week, the men tell all!