The Bachelorette Men Tell All: Desperately Trying To Make Drama Out Of A Boring Season

Source: ABC
Source: ABC

Initially, I wasn’t going to watch The Bachelorette “Men Tell All” special. I had one of those long, hellish, overall craptastic days yesterday and the last thing I wanted to do was watch Marcus cry about how Andi was his soulmate. Again. But today has been a better day and my curiosity’s got the best of me. I guess I have to see this sh*t show for myself.

Source: ABC
Source: ABC

She’s Having A Harrison

The previews immediately lead us to believe that Andi is pregnant, which I am not falling for, because no. But God, can you imagine? A pre-wedding baby from a Bachelorette? That might actually be a little too progressive for them. I mean, they didn’t include people of color until season 17, right? I think a baby out of wedlock is more of a season 35 move. But there is a pregnant lady in the house – former Bachelorette Ashley and her husband J.P. You know, when I watched Ashley’s season, I didn’t see a ton of chemistry between the two of them, but they seem to be genuinely happy. Ashley is about seven months along and she’s glowing. You’d think that would be enough, this beautiful couple and their success story and growing family. But no, not from The Bachelor franchise! They need to exploit this couple until their last shred of dignity is gone forever. So they do a live ultrasound. Right there, in front of everyone, through Ashley’s weirdly slit maternity dress. Then we all enjoy the miracle of life for a bit, watching her baby move around as the ultrasound specialist says things like, “You have great fluid.” They put Chris Harrison’s face on the screen, which J.P. thinks is a joke about Chris sleeping with his wife. No, J.P., that’s not how it works. Then…dramatic music. Guess what? She’s having a boy. That whole thing was gross. Moving on!

Source: ABC
Source: ABC

The Scarviest Season Ever

After an extended preview of Bachelor In Paradise (so. psyched.) we finally get to see the men. They are all wearing scarves. For a minute, I actually think it’s just status quo, but then I realize it’s a joke. See, because they all wore a lot of scarves. Get it? Scarves! Anyway, let’s talk to the guys! Farmer Chris was “taken back” by how beautiful Andi was from the first night. I’m taken aback at how back he was taken. JJ has really upped his bowtie game with a pink, extra large monstrosity. Remember when Andrew called Marquel and Ron “blackies”? Good times. Let’s discuss it! Marquel – who is wearing a cookie on his lapel because he is my dream guy – talks about how he isn’t too fond of being referred to as a “blackie.” Okay, honestly, he’s very mature about it and everyone there agrees that he handled the entire situation with class and dignity. Andrew tries to add to the conversation, but mistakenly calls Marquel “Ron,” who is the other black dude. Oops.

Andrew definitely seems like he’s full of sh*t, but there’s some anger from the men toward JJ as well. Why did he wait more than four weeks to bring it up? Why did he work so hard to turn people against Andrew? Farmer Chris (that’s what we’re calling him now) doesn’t think JJ acted like a man. Why didn’t he act like a man? I don’t know. How does a man handle racism, specifically? Please educate the womenfolk, Farmer Chris.  This whole “blackie” issue goes on way too long, Andrew is pretty pissed that a “pantsapreneur” is ruining his personal life and career. Marquel and Ron are pretty pissed that this is turning into a JJ pile-on and not a discussion of racial ignorance.

Source: ABC
Source: ABC

After the break, Chris Harrison is ready to bring fan favorite Marquel to the hot seat, but first JJ wants some more attention. He’s full-on crying because he felt “attacked” before. He wants everyone to know that he did what he felt was best and he totally doesn’t care what anyone thinks. “If you don’t care, then why are you still talking about it?” asks Farmer Chris. Basketball Brian thinks JJ’s apology sucked. I’m over this. Go home, JJ.

Men In The Hot Seat

Finally, JJ stops blubbering long enough to let Marquel join Chris Harrison on stage. He and Chris talk about how he never got very far with Andi and both of them say “friend zone” way too many times. Regardless of the loaded term, they’re right. I don’t think Andi ever saw him as more than a hot friend – but I don’t know if Marquel really saw her as more, either.  Luckily, Marquel will get a second chance…on Bachelor In Paradise! Next on the hot seat is Marcus. Remember when Marcus said he loved Andi? It was about 10 minutes into the season. Does he regret it? No. Marcus has no regrets, because he’s an idiot. And soon he’ll be an idiot…on Bachelor In Paradise!

Source: ABC
Source: ABC

Lastly, it’s time to talk to Farmer Chris. Remember when Andi broke up with Chris and it lasted for about 20 excruciating minutes? We get to relive that entire experience. Chris looks pained and his nostrils flare a lot, but that may just be the extreme camera angle. He says he thought being a farmer from Iowa was going to get him sent home (wait, he’s a farmer from Iowa?) but in the end, it wasn’t that. Host Chris says that Andi loved Farmer Chris’s family. Then some woman in the audience has a psychotic break and crashes the stage. She says she’s from Canada, which is small, but not as small as Iowa. Okay. She wants to know if Farmer Chris will meet someone in Iowa. Harrison gathers that this is her weird way of asking Chris “oot” (haha, Canadians, get it?) and it is. Farmer Chris laughs awkwardly. During the commercial break, the two will have a “speed date.” This whole thing is really bizarre and I don’t get it.

He Prefers Blondes

Back from the break, we see Canadian Weirdo giving Farmer Chris her digits. She’s praying that he calls her for a real date. Oh honey, no. He’s going to be the next Bachelor. Silly girl. But hey, whatever. It’s time to talk to Andi! She’s very sparkly in blue and looks lovely. Farmer Chris and Marcus want to know what happened. She didn’t love you, dudes. Cody wants to know why she never got to see the real Cody. Shut up, Cody. Nick S. wants to know why he’s so completely irrelevant. No one remembers you, buddy. Sit down. Then Harrison tries to fake us out on the pregnancy rumor again. It’s anti-climatic. Guess what? She’s not pregnant, guys.

Source: ABC
Source: ABC

Finally, something interesting happens: Chris Harrison has the results from the lie detector test! If you don’t remember, Andi took the men – Marcus, Chris, Josh, Brian, Dylan and JJ – to Italy and decided nothing would be more romantic than a lie detector test. Stupidly, she tore up the results instead of reading them…but now we get some answers. Chris, JJ and Brian told the truth on every question. The other three did lie. Marcus said that he hasn’t slept with more than 20 women…lie. Dylan said that he prefers brunettes (it’s blondes) and that he’s ready for marriage (he’s not). And then there’s Josh…one of Andi’s final two. He also told two lies. Does Andi want to know? No. Andi, gurl, you dumb.

Next week: will she choose Josh or Nick? I want to say Nick, but I think she might go for Josh in the end. DUMB. We’ll find out on the live finale!

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