In terms of over-the-top hilarity, Game Of Crowns is still killing it. This week, the newest Bravo show brings its second episode, and we’ve already got a series of confrontations, a national pageant and a set of death threats under our belts. This show sure piles on the drama and fast. Sides are already forming – right now it seems to be Leha and her potentially psychotic husband vs. everyone else – and considering how quickly that escalated, I’m kind of nervous (in a giddy way, let’s be honest) about the rest of the season.
I’m Nervous That I’m Gonna Choke Her
Before we get to the Mrs. America pageant and all the drama that came with it, we have to deal with the leftovers of last week’s drama. Namely, the fight between Susanna and Vanassa. If you recall, Susanna showed up to the airport wearing the same tacky-ass jumpsuit as Vanassa. This was, essentially, emotional terrorism in Vanassa’s eyes. In an interview, Susanna says she feels bad for Vanassa. She’s an “alpha male” who feels like she “needs to pee on everything.” However, Susanna doesn’t want to lose Vanassa’s
connections friendship, so she decides to make peace. Vanassa – albeit grudgingly – listens to what she has to say. After a sort-of apology from Susanna (she never actually says she’s sorry) Vanassa admits that what she’s having a hard time getting over is the comment about her boob job. As a breast cancer survivor who had radiation treatment and a contracted breast, “get your breasts fixed” is a massively sh*tty thing to hear. I have to admit – as completely dumb as this fight is, that was a very low blow. Vanassa wants a real apology…and then she sits and waits in silence, slowly applying lip gloss with a stank look on her face. It’s amazing. She just sits, applies, smudges, sits. Tick…tick… Finally, Susanna chokes out an apology. Vanassa says she “will try” to move on. Incredible.
It’s Pageant Eve
Just like the night before the big game, the pageant supporters – Susanna, Lynne, Vanassa and Shelley – gather in an empty restaurant wearing sequined evening gowns for some predictions. And just like sports fans before a big game, these women aren’t shy about pointing out the flaws and weaknesses of the players. Namely, how no one thinks Leha is pretty. Vanassa describes her as a 40-footer – someone only attractive from far away – and the women all agree that she’s “a little mannish.” In an interview, Shelley admits that they all call Leha “Tranny Barbie,” which, wow. Nice friends. She says it through laughter like, “Oh, I know it’s awful, ha ha!” and these people are the worst.
Then, as if that wasn’t enough disrespect, the ladies decide to place actual bets on the outcome. That’s right, they’re placing bets on their friends’ chances in the pageant. Susanna offers a bunch of jewelry from her family’s business. Vanassa bets a stay at her husband’s resort. Lynne puts in a pair of designer sunglasses from her boutique. Shelley has nothing to offer, but Vanassa graciously says, “She’s in with me.” The bets? Lynne predicts Leha will be in the top three. Shelley says Leha will be in the top ten. Susanna says both will land in top ten and Vanassa says neither will place. Not a lot of confidence in Lori-Anne, huh?
I See Who The Favorite Is
Finally, it’s time for the big day: Mrs. America time! Lori-Anne feels out of place and uncomfortable. Leha feels empowered and confident. The host welcomes us to the pageant, where they will crown “the best married woman in America,” which no, that is Beyoncé. Good try, though. Florence Henderson comes out and pretends that she cares about the contestants, They award the best costume to Mrs. Massachusetts, who wears a costume in honor of the Boston Marathon victims. Seems kind of cheap, if you ask me. Side note: I can never spell Massachusetts correctly on the first try.
As the competition continues, the ladies cheer for their friends. To be fair, they do seem to give more support to Lori-Anne, though that doesn’t excuse anything that happens next. Leha’s husband Nick starts to get agitated. “Why isn’t anyone cheering for Mrs. Rhode Island [Leha]? Only Mrs. Connecticut [Lori-Anne].” he says to the ladies, who are seated in the row in front of him. “I see who the favorite is.” The women don’t respond. Nick: “You know who your friends are, huh?” Okay buddy, chill out.
The top ten are announced: Lori-Anne is out, but Leha is in! If you’re tracking the internal betting pool, that means that Vanessa and Susanna are out as well. If Leha places in the top three, Lynne wins. If she gets eliminated next, Shelley wins.
He Carries A Gun And He Will Shoot All Of Us
We don’t have long to wait. The top six are quickly announced. Leha is not one of them. That means that Shelley wins the bet. Perhaps a little classlessly, she lets out a “Wooo!” and the ladies all start to laugh. Nick, borderline serial killer and devastated pageant husband, gets pissed. “Hey, why’s that funny? WHY’S THAT FUNNY?!” he asks, about 600 times. The women try and explain that they’re laughing at a private joke, not at Leha. But Nick, total lunatic, is having none of it. “I gotta get away from these four. F*cking tw*ts!” he blurts out, right in the middle of the audience (and in front of his small daughter). But it doesn’t end there. He walks around the entire place, causing a scene. He tells the director of the pageant to keep them away from his wife, because “they were laughing.” Um, alright. Then he comes back, full of big talk. “You don’t talk to me like that!” says a grown man to a bunch of women wearing sequined gowns. Yeah, tough guy. Susanna uses her husband as a weapon, saying he won’t tolerate Nick treating her this way. “Oh your husband thinks he’s a tough guy!” Nick laughs. Then Nick’s dad chimes in. “How would you like him dead?” he murmurs in Susanna’s ear, which is completely terrifying. WHAT THE F*CK.
After that, I probably would’ve lost my mind, but Susanna deserves major props for keeping her cool. She just looks straight ahead and pretends she didn’t hear him. Pretty impressive. Moments later, the ladies get the hell out of there.
I Don’t Think Lynne Is Lying…I Know Lynne Is Lying
After the pageant, Nick has his own version of the story. There was “some drama,” he tells Leha. The women were laughing at her. Is he sure? Yes. He conveniently leaves out the part where he and his father both threatened the women and at least one of their husbands’ lives. He has a similar version for Lori-Anne. He leaves out most of the story, yet again. Basically, this guy is a major assh*le. I mean, at the very least, he’s a disrespectful d*ckhead. At the worst, he’s dangerous. Considering he almost bit off Vanassa’s husband’s ear, I’m going to say he’s dangerous. Psycho. Overbearing, domineering psycho.
Naturally, the women are in shock. I mean, “How would you like to see him dead” is kind of shocking, is it not? Once they’re back in their hometown, they all meet for dinner to confront Leha about the situation. Leha is hesitant to believe that her husband behaved so poorly, but the women are adamant. In Leha’s defense: she’s trying to be supportive of her husband. Additionally, both she and Lori-Anne are understandably pissed that their friends had a bet against them. However, Leha knows that her husband can be very overprotective. It’s a tough conversation, but then Lynne totally screws the whole thing up. “He threatened my life,” she says, which is not true. Why on earth did she lie?
He’s Totally Here And He’s Flippin’ Out
The conversation doesn’t go very far beyond that. Leha’s phone rings, over and over and over. It’s her “babysitter,” which obviously means that it’s Nick. After ignoring it about twenty times, she says it’s time for her to go. Sure enough, the women see Nick pick her up out front and pull away. There are a lot of questions here: what will Nick do next? Why did Lynne lie about her life being threatened – and why did Susanna support it, especially when her husband was actually threatened? What the hell is up with these people?
Next week: Lynne lies some more and throws everyone else under the bus. Fun!