Last night, one of the most likable (yet also one of the most boring) stars of The Bachelorette made her final decision. That’s right, everybody: Andi Dorfman is engaged…but to whom – Josh or Nick? And what happened to the one she left broken-hearted? Well, if you were lucky enough to survive the special three-hour event last night, you already know the answers to these questions. If you skipped it (or if you were drunk and don’t remember – hey, I’m not here to judge!) then please read on.
Meeting the parents
In true Bachelorette tradition, both gents were introduced to Andi’s family. Nick was first and damn, was he nervous or what? It was like a 16-year-old boy having dinner at his girlfriend’s house for the first time. I sort of expected him to blurt out something like, “I’m sorry for touching your daughter’s boob!” and drop his drink into his lap. It was borderline painful. Luckily for Nick, Andi’s family found his overabundance of nerves charming. Andi’s father even gave Nick permission to ask for Andi’s hand in marriage, a request that ultimately (spoiler alert!) proven unnecessary.
Josh was – GET THIS – also nervous. Unlike Nick, who stuttered and stammered his way though, Josh suffers from LOUD TALKING when he’s got the jitters. He yelled in Andi’s parents’ faces for a while and it was kind of alarming. There was some, “Oh no, he’s an athlete!” talk from her family, but ultimately, they liked him. They like everyone! It was actually pretty uneventful.
The final dates
Josh and Andi take their final date together, but I literally do not remember what they did. In all likelihood, they made out noisily at various locations on the beach. Or something. Andi tries to create some unnecessary drama by fearing that everything with Josh is “too good to be true,” which, okay Debbie Downer. Josh gives her a custom baseball card for “Andi Murray,” which is either adorable and sweet or presumptuous and weird. You decide. Nick’s date is equally blissful and equally forgettable. He gives Andi a necklace with a vial full of sand from the night he first told her he loves her. It’s either adorable and sweet or fugly and cheap. You decide. Nick doesn’t want to be unsure when he proposes to Andi, which seems kind of silly considering he knows she has another boyfriend. Andi assures him that everything will be fine, though his fear is ultimately (spoiler alert!) proven unnecessary.
The following day, Josh picks out an engagement ring. That fact alone isn’t very dramatic, but what happens next sure is. Just as Nick is preparing to do the same, Andi shows up at the hotel and stops him. She wants to talk. It turns out that everything will not, in fact, be fine as she promised him the night before. It “doesn’t feel right,” she tells him, despite saying how right things felt with Nick for the past nine weeks. The fact of the matter is, she just wants to be with Josh. She tries to tell him that it’s over, but in typical Andi fashion, it’s really just her blubbering on and on and on. Seriously, she talks forever. Cut the cord and leave, woman! Nick, the poor guy, just sits there in shock. You can tell that he’s completely blindsided. It’s kind of hard to watch.
She picks Josh, you guys. Andi picks Josh. She loves him and he loves her and they did a journey and now they’re getting married. It’s all very exciting. Josh gives her the most rehearsed, endless dissertation of a proposal I’ve ever heard. They are seriously soulmates, because he rambles just as nonsensically and endlessly as Andi. TRUE LOVE!
After the final rose
In the third hour of this (endless) journey, Chris Harrison reminds us that Nick’s wee little heart has been shattered into a zillion pieces. Apparently, he’s been following Andi around the globe, trying to talk to her. He followed her to Mexico (where she was vacationing) and also to the ‘Men Tell All’ special. She refused to see him each time. That means that he’ll be confronting her for the very first time on live TV. Oh boy.
When Nick comes out, you can tell he’s still a mess. He’s even more inept at explaining his emotions than usual, and that’s saying something. His confrontation with Andi quickly plummets downhill. She icily tells him that their relationship was great, but her relationship with Josh was better. She was never in love with him – and she’s quick to remind Nick that she never said she loved him. Then – OMFG – sh*t gets real. “If you weren’t in love with me, why did you make love to me?” he asks. OH SNAP. FANTASY SUITE SHOUT OUT.
Yes, Nick broke the first rule of Fantasy Suite, which is that you don’t talk about Fantasy Suite. Andi looks like she’s ready to bludgeon him to death with a vase full of roses. She says that their night in the Fantasy Suite was “private” and he’s hitting “below the belt.” Well, maybe you should’ve let Nick talk to you on one of the many times he tried to do this without a studio audience? Just saying. Anyway, it doesn’t get much better. Andi is pissed and Nick is heartbroken.
I have to admit that I felt bad for Nick. Andi is so cold toward him, so defensive. I know it’s not easy to be confronted by an ex, especially in front of a national audience, but her entire demeanor is so different. She is harsh and somewhat unrepentant. I didn’t feel like she did their relationship justice and it makes me think she was faking it a lot of the time. Or maybe she was just wrapped up in the fantasy of the show. Who knows? Nick spent most of the season acting over-confident and smug, so it was one hell of a surprise to see him so shell shocked. The good news is, I think he finally got the closure he needed last night.
Meanwhile, Andi and Josh are still engaged. They’re planning a wedding. Josh makes a joke about trying to put a baby in her. They keep pawing at each other. Then Grumpy Cat is there? I don’t even know. In the back, Nick strangles himself with a scarf. Another successful journey to find love!