For some reason, last week Bravo aired not one but two episodes of human atrocity, Game Of Crowns. This means that we are forced to endure not one, but two full episodes of Lynne Diamante saying things like, “I cannot specify to you the exact syntax of what he said,” when discussing whether or not Leha Guimtette’s husband threatened to kill her. Sorry to burst her vocabulary bubble, but semantics (not syntax, as she incorrectly states) kind of matters when it comes to a death threat. But hey, whatever! In the latest episode, the women are preparing for the Ms. New England States pageant, which is a charity pageant. Who will compete and who will end up stuffing their face at the loser’s buffet?
I Look Like A Bad Bitch
Susanna Paliotta is shopping for gowns with her two daughters – Bella, singer of the hit single “LOL,” and her eldest daughter, Victoria. The first thing I think when I see Victoria is how pretty she is. It’s surprising, then, to learn that Victoria was a victim of a violent teen bullying incident during her senior year of high school. She had to undergo plastic surgery to reconstruct her face and missed half of the school year because of it. How awful. Susanna tearfully interviews that pageants saved her daughter’s life. Victoria gained her confidence back by competing in pageants and speaking against school bullying. It’s moments like this where I don’t think the pageant world is so bad…until the following scene.
We Shouldn’t Be The Scapegoats
Leha Guilmette is on her way to Shelley Carbone’s house. She wants to confront both Shelley and Vanassa Sebastian about the things they said behind her back. According to Lynne, they called Leha a 40-footer, a dude and – horrifyingly – a manvestite. We all know, because they showed it on camera, that this is at least partially true. Since Leha has already faced the pain of confronting Lynne and Susanna, why not just keep going and confront these two b*tches as well? Poor Leha. She’s on like, a world tour of awful people. When they all sit down for tea, she doesn’t beat around the bush. She tells Shelley and Vanassa what she heard and, to their credit, they don’t deny it. Both Shelley and Vanassa own up to their comments and offer no excuses. They apologize for causing Leha pain. It’s not the perfect ending, since they did still say these things, but it’s the best resolution Leha could hope for. In an interview, Vanassa expresses her shock and anger at Lynne’s betrayal. Why repeat those things to Leha when the real issue was between the two of them?
You’d Better Hide The Credit Cards
Lynne, meanwhile, isn’t wasting her time with regrets – not when she has a party to plan! It’s her fifteenth wedding anniversary and she’s planning their fifteenth ceremony. That’s right, she and her husband Gulio renew their vows every year. Lynne explains that sometimes it’s casual or silly, but this year will be more elaborate and special. She wasn’t able to enjoy her real wedding, because her father passed away so close to the date. However, this year she wants to honor him and their Lebonese heritage with…really tacky costume jewelry and a butterfly release? Okay, sure. Her husband looks concerned, but also amused and resigned. This is probably his default set of emotions with Lynne. When Lynne mentions that Leha “won’t be [her] friend anymore,” he cites jealousy as the reason. Um, no dude, it was the death threat thing.
Later on, Lynne and Shelley talk and discuss how Lynne totally through her friends under the bus and outed them for being huge jerks to Leha. Shelley, who has always been close to Lynne, was “very hurt” by it, which I think means that Lynne broke the girl code by repeating the nasty things they said after drinking too much champagne. Everyone knows the girl code, right? (I’ve never called anyone a manvestite.) Lynne apologizes and Shelley accepts. In fact, Shelley also agrees to read a poem at Lynne’s renewal, which may or may not be about butterflies.
I’ll Need A New Pair Of Louboutins
These women aren’t very nice to each other, but they seem to have pretty supportive families. We meet Vanassa’s daughter Tyah (pronounced Tee-yah) who was about six years old when Vanassa remarried. Both Tyah and Bryan are trying to convince Vanassa to compete in the upcoming Ms. New England States charity pageant. Vanassa hasn’t competed in a pageant since Mrs. America 2012, because the medication she takes for her breast cancer treatment makes it very hard for her to lose weight. She’s terribly self-conscious of the extra pounds, which she insists do not leave her “pageant ready.” Tyah says to her mother, “You’ve always told me that it’s more about being confident than being a size OO.” That sentiment, plus the promise of a new pair of Louboutins, convince Vanassa to compete.
No One’s Got A Bigger Box Than Me
Finally, it’s time for the Ms. New England States pageant. Lynne, Leha, Vanassa, Susanna and Lori-Anne Marchese will all be competing. Shelley is sitting this one out. She says she’s retired from pageants because she’d rather just have fun, but also that after winning Mrs. America, the only way to go is down. “How humiliating would that be if you didn’t win a pageant after winning Mrs. America?” she asks. Girl has a point. The women are all supposed to bring a box for people to make donations for their charity. Everyone brings a normal box, like the kind you would use to pack up your house. Susanna brings like, the kind of box a refrigerator comes in. It’s embarrassing, but so is everything else Susanna does, so hey.
Forty-five minutes into rehearsal, Vanassa strolls in, all smiles. “Sorry I’m late!” she trills, getting death glares from everyone else who is competing. Susanna interviews that this is politics at work. “Is she Facebook friends with some of the people who run the pageant? Yes.” Well, if they’re Facebook friends, you know it’s political! The women all agree, though, that most people would be disqualified for being late. The real issue here, though, seems to be that Vanassa failed to tell anyone that she’d be competing – and that she’s chummier than ever with Leha. Lynne wonders when the two of them became friends? Last she heard, Vanassa was saying terrible things about Leha and now they’re “closer than two balls on a dick.” Lynne sure is classy.
Sorry I’m Not Sorry
Backstage, the women are brutal. Vanassa tells Susanna that she thought today would be a great day to beat her on stage. “Sorry, I’m not sorry!” she cackles, tacking on a “just kidding” at the end for no reason. Girl, we know you weren’t joking. Later, Lynne gives Vanassa a glittered Cuchini to help with her camel toe – probably the best mean girl, backhanded gifting in the history of pageantry. Vanassa doesn’t think she needs it and re-gifts it right back. Oh boy. Finally, after pounds of makeup, false eyelashes and butt glue are applied, the competition begins. Vanassa deals with a little insecurity during the swimsuit portion, but honestly, she looks great. Lori-Anne, who’s decided to forget everyone’s advice, looks phenomenal. She’s finally being herself and it shows. Lynne looks like she’s dressed as Glenda the Good Witch. I mean, that is a lot of pink and a lot of glitter. Wow. The finalists are announced: Leha, Lynne, Lori-Anna and Vanassa all make the cut. Susanna and her giant box are eliminated. She handles it like a lady, bitching about how pissed off she is and throwing her hands all over the place. She’s mad because she spent $2,500 on a dress for nothing. Well, sister…yeah. You did.
We’re Still Talking About The F*cking Outfit
Guess who wins Ms. New England States? I’ll bet you couldn’t see it coming…but it’s Vanassa! “What? I’m shocked! She wasn’t even going to enter!” says no one at all. Ugh. Predictable show. Lori-Anne places fourth. Second runner-up is Leha, first runner-up is Lynne, and it’s Vanassa who takes home the crown. Everyone pretends to be happy for her, but of course, no one is. In fact, in an effort to bring the attention back onto her, Susanna decides to confront Vanassa backstage. About what? Well, about the stupid jumpsuit incident, which Shelley reminds us happened more than a month ago in real time. It seems that Anthony – the backstabbing, double-jumpsuit selling stylist himself – felt snubbed by Vanassa’s cold greeting. So they get into it. About the jumpsuit. Again. The women are all like, “Oh my GAWD, not at the charity event!” even though every single one of them is participating in the drama. Then, for some reason, Vanassa gets her husband to talk to Anthony “man to man.” I mean, why? I don’t know. Let’s hope no one loses an ear.