Hello Game Of Crowns hate-watchers! That’s all that’s left, right? Well, we’re back for another week of middle-aged women who like to congregate in suburban New England convention centers and fight over made up titles that mean nothing in the real world. How fun! Here are some unconfirmed rumors I’ve read about the cast in the past couple of days: Susanna Paliotta’s eldest daughter Victoria appeared on an episode of Dr. Phil’s show to discuss how her mother competes against her in pageants. Interesting! I’m also told that Susanna and her youngest were on Toddlers and Tiaras. This one is probably pretty easy to confirm, but I don’t care enough to look it up. Here’s something that isn’t a rumor, but more of an observation: Lynne Diamante’s right breast should probably get actual name credit for appearing on the show because oh my God, it’s hanging out in like, every interview scene.
This week, there are no pageants for the women – only forced social situations. What do you get when you put six pageant divas on a boat? Extensions in your mouth, mostly. Also, awkward silences. Let’s see how it all went down.
You Completely Smugged Me!
Before we can move forward, we must pick up where we left off last week. Vanassa Sebastian has just been crowned Ms. New England States and Susanna has yanked the attention back in her direction by bringing up the damn jumpsuit yet again. I’ve never seen so many people fight over such an ugly outfit before. But we must go on, because Anthony the stylist wants his fifteen minutes of fame. Vanassa calls her husband Bryan over to join the fight, which seems both unnecessary and excessive. Bryan is like, “Why did you talk to my wife when she didn’t want to talk to you?” and Anthony is like, “I didn’t know that she didn’t want to!” and then Vanassa is like, “B*tch, please. Did I look happy to see you?” This is when Anthony shouts about how Vanassa “completely smugged” him, which is either a general lack of literacy or just a great Freudian slip. Finally, Susanna’s daughter Victoria busts in, calls them all crazy b*tches and leaves. It’s kind of amazing.
A Little Optimistic
Some days later, Vanassa and Shelley Carbone meet for lunch, which is a plate full of like, steamed fish with no salt or butter or joy of any kind. It’s really depressing, as is the enthusiasm with which they order. Their lives must be so sad and pizza-less, you know? Let’s be real: no crown can make up for a lack of pizza. But anyway, Shelley has better things to talk about than food, namely how much she wants everyone to be friends again. Hasn’t she ever watched Bravo before? Attempts to get everyone together and make up never work. Oh, she doesn’t really care? Right then. Shelley is planning a trip to Newport, Rhode Island, for the gang. They can stay in her vacation home and go boating together. For some reason, she thinks this is a solid plan. Vanassa rightly states that she’s being a little too optimistic about the whole thing. Spoiler alert: she is.
I’m A Little Bit Younger
Meanwhile, Susanna meets up with Lynne and Lori-Anne Marchese for some cross fit. Susanna, who swears that she never works out and eats pasta whenever she wants, is doing cross fit? I call bullsh*t on this entire scene. Also, can we get a segment with Lori-Anne where she isn’t at a gym? I get it, she’s a fitness model. She doesn’t have to be in a sports bra in every scene – even if she does look great, which she does. Lori-Anne is excited that she’s coming into her own and she tells the others how she’s drifted from Vanassa. Now that she isn’t letting Vanassa serve as her pageant mentor, they barely speak. Lynne and Susanna rub their hands together gleefully and cackle. “Minion, you will be one of us! Oooooone of uuuuussss!” They all agree that Vanassa sucks. Lynne invites them to her
butterfly release vow renewal and assures them that Vanassa will not be invited.
Smoking The Peace Pipe
This is my favorite part of reality television: the prerequisite confrontation to a confrontation. If you’re not familiar with this phenomenon, it’s when two women meet up and discuss how much they dislike one another because, at some future date in time, they will be forced to interact socially. It’s always under the guise of “clearing the air,” but it’s really just an introductory argument to prepare us for the main event. I love these! Because both Lynne and Vanassa will be attending Shelley’s Doomed Newport Getaway 2014, they want to hash out their differences in advance. They meet in the freezing cold on like, a stone bench in an empty lot. It’s the weirdest thing. Why not a restaurant? Who knows.
Vanassa confronts Lynne about throwing her under the bus to poor, abused Leha. I swear to God, if we have to see the scene between Lynne and Leha Guilmette one more time, where Lynne says, “You were also called a dude. And a manvestite,” I am going to lose my damn mind. The editors are being extra cruel here. Lynne wonders how Vanassa and Leha are so close again, after saying such terrible things? Actually, she says that Leha and Vanassa “smoked the peace pipe and rode off into the sunset,” which makes almost no sense at all. She proceeds to say it about four more times. Okay, it’s less offensive than “manvestite,” but can we not with the Native American metaphors? Can we just not? Ugh. Vanassa eventually gets annoyed and brings up the real issue: Lynne’s lies about Nick Guilmette. This is the part where Lynne brings up her lawyers and storms off, because hey, the girl knows how to exit a scene.
Don’t Mind Me, I’m Getting Wrecked
It’s time for Shelley’s Doomed Newport Getaway 2014. Are you excited? No? Hey, neither is the cast of Game Of Crowns. They all arrive at Shelley’s house with a heavy sense of dread. The small talk is forced and awkward. Finally, they head out to the boat, because the only thing that can make this better is being stuck in the middle of the ocean together. On the boat, teams quickly divide – Leha and Vanassa vs. Lynne, Susanna and Lori-Anne. Shelley uncomfortably floats between the two teams, regretting this entire trip. Lynne shares the exciting (to no one) news that she and Susanna have purchased crowns from some mail-order pageant. Mrs. Massachusetts United States and Mrs. Rhode Island United States. Lynne does not live in Massachusetts, but I guess her money still works there. What a weird, weird thing, to buy a title. I don’t understand this at all, but it sure pisses off Vanassa. This would probably turn into a fight, but Leha interrupts the conversation when Nick calls her. We don’t hear what Nick says, but Leha interviews that Lynne hired a private investigator to look into her, Nick and some of their extended family. She’s livid, but maintains her cool. As soon as they dock, she’s out of there.
Once they’re back in Shelley’s house (and Leha is gone) Lori-Anne suggests they all air their grievances. Oh dear. It starts out bad – I mean really, really bad. Vanassa is yelling and pointing, Lori-Anne is getting all up in it, and Shelley is wondering how many Xanax she has in the upstairs bedroom. Lori-Anne is a very lethal combination of Italian and buff, so it’s possible she might just Hulk out at some point. Shelley does she only thing she can do in this situation: she grabs the Patrón. “Drink this,” she orders Lynne, pouring her literally a full tumbler of tequila. Lynne drinks…and drinks…and drinks some more. Eventually, everyone is wasted and friends again. Shelley is a genius, but we all know this won’t last.
This Changes Everything With The Butterflies
The next morning, everyone has one mother of a hangover. Lynne is pretty bitter about the tequila-induced apologies from the night before. Luckily for her, more drama is about to tear everyone apart yet again. In the next room, Shelley and Vanassa discuss the scheduling snafu that’s left Shelley stuck in the middle: Lynne’s vow renewal is on the same day as Vanassa’s breast cancer awareness event. Vanassa is certain that Lynne scheduled it on purpose, to conflict with her event. Yeah, probably. She wants Shelley to make a choice. Shelley grudgingly confronts Lynne – she might not be able to make the wedding, because she committed to Vanassa’s event first. Cue the crocodile tears. Lynne sobs that this ruins everything. It ruins her wedding, her flower arrangements, the memory of her father and even the beloved butterfly release. NO, NOT THE BUTTERFLIES. ANYTHING BUT THE BUTTERFLIES. She shakes and moans with what can only be described as the Tamra Barney Fake-Ugly-Sob™ and Lori-Anne and Susanna comfort her awkwardly. Shelley is like, “Screw this,” and walks out.
Next week: Lynne’s wedding takes center stage we learn the fate of the butterflies.