What I Learned From Bachelor In Paradise: Week 1

Source: ABC
Source: ABC

The newest atrocity from the Bachelor franchise, Bachelor In Paradise, premiered this week. It was, by all accounts, completely terrible and fun. After such a boring season of The Bachelorette, I’m looking forward to some serious draaaaahma. I don’t think this show will disappoint. Even in the first episode, I learned a lot about what it takes to live in paradise and what we should expect from these Bachelor/ette rejects:

What I Learned

1. AshLee Frazier is even crazier than ever. Haha, I just realized that her last name is only one letter away from “crazier,” which just proves my point. The letters do not lie: this girl is batsh*t. After following Graham Bunn on television and social media (almost like real life, right?) she’s decided that they’re soul mates, for realsies. When Clare Crawley asks him on a date, AshLee sobs…and sobs…and sobs some more. The girl totally loses it, to the point that Clare feels guilty enough to cancel the date. Graham later gives AshLee a rose, likely in fear of his life.

2. Michelle Money still wants to “find love” on TV. In a (not very surprising) twist, Bachelor In Paradise will periodically bring new housemates onto the show to shake things up. The first to arrive is Michelle Money, who we remember from Brad Womack’s (second) season on The Bachelor, as well as her appearances on Bachelor Pad. On the latter show, she developed a relationship with Graham, which has since ended. Now she’s starting to date Marquel. Good lord, girl.

3. “Went in the ocean with” is almost definitely a euphemism for sex. When Clare “went in the ocean with” Juan Pablo, we all know they did more than splash around. But is that what it always means on this show? It sure seems like it. When Lacy – to everyone’s shock and disapproval – “goes into the ocean with” both Robert and Marcus on the same day, everyone reacts as though she’s hooking up with both men. Or is everyone just really judgmental about swimming? Hmm.

4. If you’re not very popular with the other girls, befriend a raccoon. When Clare learns about AshLee’s freak-out, she sneaks off to have a heart to heart with…a raccoon? Well, probably not. There was likely another human there, or at least she was probably speaking to the cameraman or the guy holding the boom mic. But the show edited things to make it look like she was crying on the shoulder of a friendly Mexican raccoon. Hey, no judging!




5. Elise Mosca wants a man who isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty. And then never wash them. Haha, see what I did there? Because Dylan never washes his hands! Maybe Elise figures that the salt water will wash away any communicable diseases.

6. Robert has ants in his pants. No literally, Robert gets attacked by a hoard of fire ants. YIKES.

7. Michelle K. is the absolute weirdest. When she arrives at the house, she’s absurdly vague about being single, despite being a contestant on a dating show. Then she ignores everyone for the entire episode. When it’s time for the Rose Ceremony, she dramatically withdraws from the competition, saying she hasn’t connected with anyone. Um, okay. Pretty sure you weren’t getting a rose anyway, honey.

8. Marcus is still very, very sad, but not sad enough to be nice. Fresh from his breakup with Andi, Marcus Grodd wanders around “paradise” with a mopey face. Sometimes, he does this in a Speedo, which I think is considerate of him. But despite his broken heart, he’s not afraid to play the game. Although he tells the very sweet Sarah Herron that she’ll get a rose, he d*cks her over at the last moment, in favor of a future hook-up with Lacy. Cute, Marcus. Real cute.

What I’m Left Wondering

Now that Sarah knows she has no real chance with Marcus, will she make a move with someone else?

Why is Michelle K. back in the previews for next week? Must we endure more of her creepy, dead eyes?

I can tell by the ominous music and tone of Chris Harrison’s greeting that we’re not supposed to like Ben. He was on Desiree’s season, but I don’t remember him at all, or why we hate him. Someone care to remind me in the comments?

Did the raccoon get a rose?

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