We’ve only had two weeks with our Bachelor In Paradise contestants, and it’s already bringing more drama than Andi’s entire season of The Bachelorette. Why? Well, there’s all the alcohol. Plus, the crazy people. Boy, there are a lot of crazy people in paradise, you guys. I don’t even know what else to say about it. The world is full of independent, self-sufficient, intelligent and mentally sound women, but none of them are currently on this show. Good lord! Between Elise and AshLee, you’d think this was a beach-themed reboot of Fatal Attraction. Hide your pet bunnies, y’all, because we’ve got a lot of crazy to cover:
What I Learned
1. Michelle K. left because she was hooking up with a crew member. So remember last week, when Michelle K. dramatically announced that she wanted to leave because she hadn’t “made a connection” with anyone? No? Right, because no one cared. But hey, Chris Harrison brings it up again anyway, because he’s got some new information. Turns out, Michelle K. was actually hooking up with crew member Ryan Putz. I promise you, this is his real name. So, Michelle K. and Ryan Putz really hit it off – and when she left the show, she returned to him and to the hotel for a special “reunion.” Unfortunately, they were interrupted by Chris Harrison and producers. To escape being caught, Ryan Putz hauled ass right out the window and off the balcony. He thought it was about six feet down – in reality, it was a 25 foot drop. We’re treated to an extremely entertaining “reenactment” of the incident, which makes the whole experience feel even more uh, realistic? No. Cut to Ryan Putz in his hospital bed with two broken legs. “I misjudged it!” he says because, well, putz.
2. Chris Bukowski really wants to be on television. This week, we get a new contestant in the house – and it’s a very familiar face. Yes, Chris Bukowski returns yet again to “find love,” AKA “go on an all-expense paid vacation to Mexico and hook up with as many girls as possible.” Tough life. Many may remember Chris as the guy who recently crashed Andi’s first cocktail party, but most Bachelor In Paradise contestants know him as the “bad boy” of Bachelor Pad. Chris has quite a reputation as a player…so naturally, Clare falls for him on their first date and Elise hooks up with him immediately after that. Good job, ladies!
3. When Dylan says he wants to see other people, he means it. Poor Elise has some trouble in paradise…namely, that she’s a Class A Clinger. While she’s already professing love after their first week as a couple, Dylan is looking for the nearest exit. He feels suffocated. He suggests they “get to know other people,” which is his way of saying, “Back off, you nutter!” But Elise thinks he’s “scared” and “testing their love.” Oh, honey, no. After she hooks up with Bukowski, it doesn’t make Dylan jealous as planned…it just gives him a good reason to break up.
4. Elise. Is. Crazy. No. Seriously. Elise is certifiable! She makes AshLee look aloof! For a full week, this woman walks around, mooning over Dylan, who very clearly has no interest in her. Sure, he’s vague about it – he says just about everything except for, “I don’t want to be with you.” Pro tip to Dylan, and all other men out there: if it’s this hard to get through to a woman, maybe just be honest? I mean, give it a shot. It can’t get much worse, right? Poor Elise just has no idea. In her head (a dark and scary place, I’m sure) they are meant to be together.
5. Always have a back-up. Clare and Chris Bukowski share a lovely couples massage and she thinks maybe he’s not as bad as everyone says…and she believes that well into the evening, when she sees him sucking on Elise’s face like it’s his job. Oh. Well, good thing Zack Kalter (Desiree’s season) shows up. Who is he? No clue! But now he’s Clare’s new boyfriend…take that, Chris!
6. Lacy and Marcus are sitting in a tree…K-I-S-S-I-N-G in front of Robert. No one cares but Robert, though. Seriously, shut up, Robert. Who are you, even?
7. Dating your best friend’s soul mate can get a little tricky. Things between Elise and Dylan are still fuzzy, at least in Elise’s mind. But when Dylan gets a date card, he doesn’t think twice about asking Sarah out instead. Sarah – who just happens to be Elise’s best friend in the house – feels a little torn. She wants to go on a cool date, but she doesn’t want to be a jerk to Elise, who is clearly mentally unstable and might stab a sister in her sleep. After a few awkward conversations, Sarah hesitantly agrees to go, but you can tell that the whole thing makes her uncomfortable. Because yeah, it’s weird.
8. Don’t tell your date that she’s a drunk. Michelle Money may drink too much, but Marquel probably makes the wrong call when he tells her just that. Oh Marquel, what are you doing? Another pro tip to all men: “I don’t like how much you drink,” will almost definitely piss off your drunk-ass girlfriend.
9. If you have a secret love letter from your secret girlfriend, hide it. Ben (who?) has a girlfriend. Marquel and Marcus “find” a letter that’s “laying around” or something similarly contrived. The bottom line? Ben (who?) has a girlfriend back home. This makes Ben leave. It also makes Michelle Money cry, probably because she’s contractually obligated to cry once per episode.
10. Saying no to a rose might mean saying goodbye. Dylan should’ve taken a note from Graham’s book of Bachelor tips. Even when you only have a crazy woman offering you a rose, you should take it. At least you get to stay in Mexico! But poor Dylan doesn’t know any better…and when he refuses Elise’s rose, he doesn’t get any other offers. Bye, Dylan!
What I’m Left Wondering
What the hell was that speech Elise gave during the rose ceremony? “Life brings a lot and I deserve everything life gives, 100%…” Huh?
How long will it take Chris to tire of Elise? I give it until 8:03 p.m. EST Monday night.
Will Sarah and Robert pair off out of mutual pity? Does anyone care?