Last week, I skipped out on recapping Game Of Crowns because, well, everything was terrible. What did we miss? Hmm, let’s see. Lynne Diamante got married to the same man for the fifteenth time. There were gargoyles and butterflies and weird silver tree people. All the women were dressed like extras in the Aladdin Disney parade. Shelley Carbone proved to be the best friend any of them could ask for by walking in Vanassa Sebastian’s breast cancer walk in the morning, then marching in Lynne’s bridal party that afternoon. Her feet probably really, really hurt. Finally, Leha Guilmette, still stewing from Lynne’s private investigator scandal, decided that it was time for the truth to come out.
The Princeton Of Pageantry
Remember when Lynne announced the “exciting” news that she and Susanna had been “crowned” Mrs. Massachusetts United States and Mrs. Rhode Island United States, respectively? Remember how this is – according to Vanassa – not really a pageant, but something you apply for by mail and pay to win? Remember how Lynne isn’t even a resident of Massachusetts? Great, we’re caught up! So, Lynne, Susanna and their families head over to the local Red Lobster for their very prestigious ceremony. Susanna, who is wearing a dress covered in pink paper mache flowers, explains to us that the Mrs. United States Pageant is the “Princeton of pageantry.” It’s got “more of a Trump feel to it,” she goes on and how any of these women even begin to take themselves seriously, I will never understand. Out of curiosity, I looked up this Ivy League level competition.
According to its official website:
Mrs. United States is no ordinary beauty pageant – it is extraordinary. We believe that married women should be recognized for their ability to integrate intellect and beauty. The Mrs. United States contestants are confident, intelligent, successful, beautiful! Complete woman… total beauty!
To review: must be married, must have brain (“complete woman”), no uglies. This is apparently a local ceremony, where the mayor of Rhode Island crowns both women. He fully mispronounces both of their names. I’m assuming there is no full, in-person pageant until they compete at the national level? This whole world is still very confusing to me. Lynne admits that there is an entrance fee for Mrs. United States, but Susanna assures us that they asked her “like a million” questions and even checked her Facebook page, so you know it’s legit. The real reason for seeking out these titles seems to be that they qualify both Lynne and Susanna for the Legends competition. More about that coming up.
Narcissistic Idiot That Needs To Calm Down
Vanassa invites Shelley and Leha over for some parfait and tea. Parfait, in Vanassa’s world, means a cup of Greek yogurt and five teaspoons of Splenda. Yum! Vanassa mentions that she’s trying hard to lose weight for – you guessed it – the Legends of the Crowns Pageant. Wait, the WHAT?! If that isn’t the most hilarious name I’ve ever heard, I don’t know what is. I mean, HONESTLY. Legends of the effing Crown. I die. But anyway, yes. Ahem. Very prestigious, I’m sure. But before we can get into this pageant talk, Leha has some shocking news for her friends. She wants to share the real reason she left Newport early. Shelley and Vanassa listen, jaws dropped, while Leha explains that Lynne hired a private investigator to dig up dirt on Leha and her family. She’s claiming that Leha “harassed” her, or something. It’s sort of vague, but I suppose the PI is looking for dirt on the Guilmettes to use as supporting evidence.
Leha explains that in response to the investigation, she’s taken out a restraining order on Lynne. She cannot contact Leha or come within 500 feet of her. If she violates the order twice, Lynne will serve 90 days in jail. So, how is Lynne taking this news? Not so well, guys. We cut to Lynne’s house where she’s sobbing on the couch. I think this time, she might even squeeze out some actual tears. Susanna sits next to her, a literal shoulder to cry on, and Lynne’s husband kneels at her side and reads her blood pressure. “It’s too high,” he says, like well dude, she’s practically hyperventilating. Also, what? Aren’t you an ophthalmologist? What is even going on here? Lynne thinks this is all an elaborate plan to prevent her from competing against Leha in the Legends pageant. Ummm…probably not, no. She swears that she never hired a private investigator. Susanna thinks this isn’t Leha’s work, but her husband Nick’s. “Nick,” she says with a firm nod. “Narcissistic Idiot That Needs To Calm Down. N-I-C-K.” Uhhhhhh, what. As Lynne continues to fake sob (I cannot even with her phony crying face) Leha and Shelley discuss whether or not they’ll be competing in Legends. Leha might not be able to because, you know, restraining order, while Shelley isn’t sure she’s ready to get back into the game.
I’m In My Hot Moment Right Now
Five days before the Legends pageant, Shelley sits down to chat with her mother about competing. She reveals that her mother originally entered her into the Mrs. Connecticut competition because Shelley was in a dark place. She’d just miscarried her fifth child and her mom signed her up as an emotional boost. Shelley, of course, ended up winning the title and going on to win Mrs. America as well. “It healed me,” she says, which is actually kind of sweet. She has a good mom. Shelley says she’s not sure if she wants to go back into the pageant world – she’s already on top and doesn’t need it like she did before. Her mom tries to encourage her to compete, but Shelley is firm. Five days before the pageant seems a little last minute for this conversation, no?
Meanwhile, Lori-Anne is making some personal choices of her own. Even though her husband is ready for kids, she’s not quite as eager. At 29, Lori-Anne feels like she’s got plenty of time to have children – but not a lot of time left as a fitness model. This is her prime and she’s not ready to lose her independence – or her hot body – just yet. As she shoots her seventh fitness magazine cover, Shelley joins her to get some head shots taken. Looks like she’s decided to compete in the Legends pageant after all.
Someone’s Gonna Get Arrested
In the final days before the Legends pageant, the women make their last minute preparations. After being declared cancer-free (yay) Vanassa takes Leha for some celebratory Botox. Shelley preps for the interview segment with her pageant coach. Susanna and her eldest daughter Victoria visit Tony (the idiot stylist and perpetrator of The Duplicate Jumpsuit) for some new sparkly gowns. While she’s there, Susanna brings them up to speed on the Lynne vs. Leha drama. Victoria takes it all in and astutely declares, “Someone’s gonna get arrested.” Well yeah, probably. Susanna rambles on and on about evil and how she’s going to give someone a good reason for a restraining order and she’s Mrs. Rhode Island United States or whatever. Um, does she realize this has nothing to do with her? No? Okay.
Lynne texts her to say that Leha’s arranged for security at the pageant. This makes Susanna fly off the handle all over again. Back at Casa Butterfly, Lynne’s husband is taking her blood pressure again. What is up with this now? Apparently, all this stress has “exacerbated a pre-existing heart condition,” which is the biggest load of BS I’ve heard all week. But despite these life threatening circumstances, despite all this evil, Lynne will compete. Justice will prevail!
Next week: Legends. Of. The. Friggin. Crown.