It’s been a long time coming, booches and tooches. America’s Next Top Model is back and Tyra Banks is making even less sense than usual. The show opens with a bizarre ANTM dream sequence where small children pretend to be Tyra and Miss J. Alexander and it’s really not something I was prepared to watch because I was not tripping on acid. The good news is, Miss J is back as our walking coach and wig extraordinaire! The bad news is, everything else.
This season (Cycle 21 if you can believe it) is the second year of boys vs. girls (booch vs. tooch?) and thankfully, we are starting somewhere in the middle of the audition process. Joining Tyra and Miss J are PR Maven and Resident Troll Person Kelly Cutrone, plus Cycle 20’s Cory Wade Hindorff. Cory placed third in Cycle 20, but I guess now he’s the new Mr. Jay? Cool. Cory introduces us to the guys and the girls, then holds an impromptu walk-off – but that’s just rehearsal for the real show. The 31 contestants will be narrowed down to 14 and their first challenge is to walk the runway. Someone finally told Tyra about smartphones, so they also have to give themselves a unique hashtag and then take a selfie – yes, a selfie. That will serve as their first photo shoot. Budget cuts? After evaluating their photos and meeting them all in person, Kelly and Miss J take everyone bowling (seriously) and tell us who’s in and who strikes out (sorry).
Here’s who remains:
Adam: Adam describes himself as the ultimate frat guy and is proud to be in the top one percent of partiers worldwide. Adam, I think, is a world class D-bag. He goes on to support this theory by describing his ideal day. As you can see, Adam will probably go far in the competition, because that’s how these things work.
Ben: Ben makes several mistakes right off the bat. 1) He admits that he had his eyebrows threaded. No, dude. Just no. 2) He tells Tyra that he served her once at an Oscars party and she looked hot. Kelly Cutrone berates him for his unprofessional comment. Uh oh, he’s upset the troll creature. This, of course, means he’s doomed.
Danny: Danny was eliminated in the semi-finals during Cycle 20, though I don’t remember him at all. He talks like he’s auditioning for a part in Guys and Dolls, but if it was an eighth grade production. I cannot take him seriously. Also, his hair is ridiculous. You know Ray Liotta’s hair in Goodfellas? That’s Danny’s hair.
Chantelle: Chantalle was discovered by Tyra on social media. She has vitiligo, a skin condition that leaves parts of her skin white. The unique thing about Chantelle is, her vitiligo is almost symmetrical on each side. I’ve never seen anything like it. She’s also strikingly beautiful and seems to be sweet.
Lenox: I like Lenox because she thinks Adam is “a joke.” Also, she’s very striking on the runway. Lenox lost her father just two weeks before the show started and she breaks down into tears when Tyra asks about it. Usually, I’d be annoyed at this, but two weeks, man. Also, she has a huge forehead, which Tyra covets and rubs for good luck.
Kari: Kari is gorgeous and all the men seem to agree. I mean, look at those eyes. She’s definitely The One Everyone Will Try To Sleep With. Kari seems pretty decent, though. I give her three episodes before she hooks up with Adam or Keith.
Raelia: Raelia is a tough girl from Philly. She loves to twerk and she’s a virgin. This prompts Tyra to call her a twirgin, which is either funny or makes you want to kill yourself. You decide. At first, Raelia has too much makeup on and Tyra makes her wash her face clean. Then, surprise, she’s gorgeous!
Shei: I don’t remember much about Shei, except that she’s very pretty. She has some serious cheekbones.
Will: Will is a gay dancer from Texas. He came out to his family about two years ago and entering ANTM is the first thing he’s done where he’s truly felt like himself. He’s pretty adorable and also happens to take a great selfie. Bonus points for auditioning in a pair of high heels.
Denzel: Denzel says he wants to prove that an alpha male can dominate this industry. Oh wow. It’s good to finally see someone fight for the underdog, the alpha male. Oh my God, shut up. Denzel also likes to say homophobic stuff like, “There are some things guys just shouldn’t do” when Will walks around in heels. Hey cool, it’s 2014 and you’re on a modeling show. Go home, Denzel.
Romeo: Romeo is a bisexual witch who is covered in tattoos. His look is totally unique, but his personality is irritating as hell. He walks around carrying Buckland’s Complete Book of Witchcraft and Tarot cards because everyone loves a gimmick. Also, he hates Danny for some reason.
Mirjana: Poor Mirjana probably got called Marijuana all her life. She’s gorgeous and from Serbia. Kelly and Tyra agree that she’s tough.
Mark, Matthew, Lindsay and Zaquan: These booches and tooches didn’t get enough airtime to be memorable, but they did make the first cut. Yay?
Keith: Keith is a former NFL player who is a dead ringer for Tyson Beckford. Yes, please and thank you.
Jaime Rae: Jaime Rae misses the first day because she was late for her flight. This is, honestly, the least annoying thing about her. She’s tall, thin and pretty in that vacant Barbie doll sort of way. Adam describes her as a “very pretty porn star,” which I guess is a compliment, in his world. Jamie Rae shows up with about 27 feet of hair extensions and 30 pounds of makeup on her face. Tyra tells her it’s way too much and to clean up. Jamie Rae goes backstage and bursts into tears. She doesn’t want to take her makeup off because…I don’t know. She’s insecure? Honey, you’re already bawling on TV, just wash your face. When she brushes her hair back and cleans up, she looks much better. She’s nothing we haven’t seen a million times, though.
Next week: These models still aren’t safe! There will be more cuts until we’re down to the top 14.