Isn’t it lovely to watch true love bloom? To see how two people, who drunkenly hooked up in the ocean one night, partially to make another man jealous, can really find something special? How two near-strangers can become a couple destined for eternity after accepting a second-choice rose? How not even a torn meniscus can keep two lovebirds apart when a free hotel night is being offered? To witness the magic of a man confined to his bed, helpless but to accept the eager help of a desperate blonde who will do anything to become his wife? AH, LOVE. Such is the beautiful tale of Elise and Chris Bukowski, a real Bachelor In Paradise success story. We can all learn something from Chris B. and Elise, like how after every storm, there is a rainbow. And sometimes your rainbow is Chris effing Bukowski. What I’m really saying here is that love is dead and life is an empty void. Good times! What else did I learn from this week’s Bachelor In Paradise?
What I Learned
1. Elise really is super, duper, 100% legitimately unhinged. Less than a day (literally, like 12 hours) after Dylan leaves the house, Elise has her crazy eyes laser focused on Chris Bukowski. “I want to fall in love with Chris!” she says after having met him the day before. Also, she was in love with Dylan literally yesterday. But okay, sure. Sounds cool, Elise. *backs away slowly*
2. A mysterious injury won’t ruin Chris Bukowski’s game. Even though every warning bell should be going off in Chris’s head, he thinks “getting to know Elise better” sounds like a great idea. Spoiler alert: that means sex. He has sex with Elise. Despite an unexplained knee injury that Chris gets while “in the ocean,” and despite the doctor’s orders to stay off his leg, Chris goes on a date with Elise because, well, he wants to bang her. “She’s really hot,” he says romantically.
3. Marquel doesn’t care about Danielle and neither does anyone else. One of two new arrivals this week is Danielle from Juan Pablo’s season. You might remember her as One Of The Women Of Color Who Gets Sent Home Early, a category The Bachelorette came up with during Sean’s season. Newly blonde and ready for some fun, Danielle admits that she has the hots for Marquel. They date, have a great time, and then he promptly forgets about her in favor or second newcomer, Jackie. Danielle gets no rose – just a trip back home. What a bummer.
4. Michelle Money is still a thing that is happening. After deciding that Marquel isn’t actually the one for her, Michelle chooses Robert as her next
victim target boyfriend. Even though he’s been hitting it off with Sarah, Michelle is certain that they’re meant to be together. She even goes so far as to kidnap him invite him on a surprise double date with Clare and Zack (who?). Unfortunately for Michelle, Robert chooses Sarah in the end – and she’d be on her way home if it wasn’t for the generous spirit of recently-laid Chris Bukowski. Chris decides to go home and take Elise with him, which leaves his rose for Michelle. No one deserves it more than her, he says, because they are basically the same empty shell of a person, when you think about it.
5. AshLee and Graham get their first date and it’s Hashtag Embarrassing. This is a thing AshLee actually says out loud: “Hashtag embarrassing!” She’s describing, of course, her mental breakdown from week one, when she cried hysterically over a man she’d just met that afternoon. Like Chris and Elise, AshLee and Graham’s first date comes with an overnight hotel stay, but Graham holds on to his last shred of self-preservation by suggesting they sleep in separate rooms. What a guy.
6. Clare not only speaks to raccoon, but she gets spiritual messages from turtles. On the anniversary of her father’s death, Clare cries on Zack’s (who?) shoulder. She doesn’t feel right being away from her family on this day. But just as she’s breaking down, a sea turtle emerges to give birth on the beach. This, to Clare, is a sign from her father that she’s meant to be there with Zack. Sure, okay. *backs away slowly*
What I’m Left Wondering
Why are there two episodes next week?
Who runs off into the woods and why is there an ambulance?
Will I ever be able to tell the difference between Robert and Zack? Does it matter?
THE RACCOON IS BACK – Will he fight the turtle for Clare’s affection?