Bachelor In Paradise has been on for about four weeks now, so of course it’s time for a Very Special Two-Night Event. I wonder how long the show would be if you took out all the “coming up” promos. Ever notice how long they are? They are long, you guys. So, so very long. But hey, at least this Very Special Two-Night Event is entertaining – there’s finally some real drama in the house and it’s only going to get uglier tonight. Let’s talk about what I learned so far this week. Who talked smack thinking they were off camera? Who got rejected? Who went on a romantic date…alone?
What I Learned
1. Cody Sattler is still a doofus. Such a huge doofus. One of the three new arrivals this week is Cody, who was sent home midway through Andi’s season. Cody bumbles in and immediately sets his sights on Clare. The thing is, Clare is in “a relationship” with Zack, because they’ve been dating for about a week. That’s like three years of marriage in Bachelor In Paradise time, so you know it’s special. Clare gently rejects him and Cody just doesn’t know what to do with himself. Michelle Money, attractive woman, is literally right next to him like, pushing her boobs together and batting her eyelashes. But Cody gives his date away to buddy Marcus and calls it a night. Total doofus.
2. Marquel is probably doomed. After hitting it off with Jackie last week, Marquel feels pretty confident that he’ll get a rose from her when the week is through. And he’s probably right – until Jesse Kovacs arrives. As the second newcomer to the house, Jesse zeroes in on Jackie pretty quickly. He clearly has no interest in her other than getting a rose and continuing his free Mexican vacay, but Jackie thinks he’s genuine. Because she’s stupid, I guess. Marquel will probably go home tonight.
3. Marcus is back in the saddle and the saddle still moves way too fast. As stated above, Cody gives his date card to Marcus, allowing him to take Lacy out for a romantic evening. Lacy excitedly tells the viewers at home how they’re “getting serious,” but they still haven’t said that they love each other. This sounds fairly normal to me, since they had their first conversation like, two weeks ago, but then I remember how we’re dealing with Marcus. This is the same Marcus who told Andi he loved her on their first date, so I shouldn’t be surprised when he lets it slip with Lacy. Luckily for Marcus, Lacy is just as nuts and totally loves him back. Aww! Crazy people are so cute!
4. Literally no one likes Kalon except for Kalon. Hey, it’s Kalon McMahon! He’s a total D-bag! You might remember Kalon as the guy who showed up to Emily’s season in a helicopter. You might also remember him as the guy who called Emily’s daughter “baggage” and she told him to “get the f*ck out.” Ah, good times. Well, Kalon is the third new contestant on Bachelor In Paradise and he’s got a date card to go “sperlunking” in a cave. Okay, sure. Kalon initially asks Michelle and she agrees in a fit of insanity. She quickly regrets it, though, and backs out. Too bad, since he really wanted to “motorboat the sh*t out of her boobs.” What a gentleman! After Michelle rejects him, he asks out Jackie, who declines. Then Sarah declines. Basically, everyone declines. Kalon can’t pass up a free sperlunking trip, though, and goes on the date alone. YES, ALONE. I don’t think Kalon will be in paradise much longer.
5. AshLee has two faces, but those faces are both crazy. We learn, in a series of interviews, that AshLee is obsessed with how she appears on camera. She’s constantly aware of their presence and always watching how she behaves and what she says when they’re on her. Several of her housemates agree that she shows a phony, “good girl” side when on film, but that she’s nasty off-camera. This turns out to be the truth, which we learn while witnessing a candid conversation between AshLee and Zack.
AshLee tells Zack that he should start seeing other girls in the house – and that he should probably stay away from Clare. She thinks Clare is bad news because she “f*cked Juan Pablo in the ocean.” Yikes. Zack, to his credit, doesn’t care what Clare may have done in the past and seems to think AshLee is pretty crappy for saying anything. Ash herself doesn’t seem to regret it – until she realizes that they’re on camera. Then she’s all over the place with damage control. But the damage is already done – Lacy tells Clare everything.
6. No one messes with Clare Crawley. OH MY GOD CLARE IS SO MAD. AshLee attempts to apologize, but it’s really, really fake. Like, painfully fake. Clare pretends to accept it, but actual murder death rage lasers are shooting from her eyes, so I don’t think she was sincere. AshLee asks if they can “hug it out” and Clare is like, “No, go die in a hole.”
7. Michelle Money waited four weeks to start trouble, but it was worth the wait. Throughout all of this drama, Graham is taking a page from Cody’s book and bumbling around in a haze of cluelessness. He knows the girls are crying and fighting, but he hasn’t bothered to find out why. What a caring and attentive boyfriend! As the rose ceremony approaches, Michelle Money (who actually seems to care for Graham) gets angrier and angrier. She doesn’t want Graham to continue dating such a b*tch – so she pulls him aside and tells him the whole story. Graham is understandably turned off by AshLee’s awful behavior…but will he accept her rose?
TO BE CONTINUED…
What I’m Left Wondering
I was promised the raccoon in the previews. Where is my damn raccoon?
Oh, and will Graham accept AshLee’s rose? That too, I guess.