This week, we were treated to not one but two episodes of Bachelor In Paradise. Despite the world “special” being tacked onto this “special two-night event,” there wasn’t anything very special about it – which, I know, shocking. There were some phony medical emergencies, a probably-fake threesome and a fairly predictable breakup from one of the show’s “power couples.” Hey, at least I got to see the raccoon again. That’s something, right?
What I Learned
1. Graham is literally sick over his bad taste in women. If you remember, we’d left off the previous night on a cliffhanger. Graham had just walked out of the rose ceremony before accepting AshLee’s rose. We pick up right from that moment and Graham is not doing so well, you guys. He’s sweating buckets, breathing heavily and, basically, having what looks like a panic attack. No one can really figure out what’s wrong with him, but maybe it’s just the stress of anticipating another week with AshLee. I mean, she’s really terrifying, you know? After all this, you’d think he’d walk away from “paradise,” but no. He walks back in and accepts AshLee’s rose. Because Graham is really, really dumb. Oh, and if you’re curious, Marquel and Kalon are sent home.
2. Lacy probably drank the water. Not more than a few moments after Graham’s completely bizarre “medical emergency”, Lacy announces that she’s going to vomit. Then she runs into the woods, where she presumably barfs her guts out. There are a few jokes about how AshLee and Graham have made her sick, but it turns out she’s actually sick. We find out that it’s Lacy getting carted away in an ambulance, a teaser we’ve been shown all season. Marcus acts like she’s on her deathbed, but it’s only “intestinal inflammation,” so basically she drank the water in Mexico and got sick. Good times. Very exciting. Riveting drama here, folks. Later, Marcus tells Lacy he loves her, but she doesn’t seem to say it back. Uh oh, is this going to be Andi 2.0 after all?
3. Zack proves that it’s hard to be a decent guy when a drunk blonde is right there. The day after the rose ceremony, a new contestant shows up at the house. It’s Christy Hansen, from Juan Pablo’s season. Yeah, I don’t know who, either. But Zack sure knows her – and Christy knows Zack! She wants to ask him out because they’ve gotten along in the past. After some clear hesitation, Zack turns her down because of his commitment to Clare. However, after Christy goes off with Jesse, gets drunk and acts like an airhead, Zack regrets his decision. He thinks Christy is “fun” and “chill” (read: drunk and easy) whereas Clare is so “intense” (read: wants to be respected and not used). And thus, Zack becomes that guy – you know, the one who wants a relationship, just not like, a real one?
4. Clare, ironically, can’t handle the drama. Oh, Clare. You’re not asking for a lot. Honesty, respect, fidelity. It’s not unreasonable – but you’re looking for it in the wrong place, girlfriend. You’re on television…you know that, right? Sigh. So of course, Zack expresses his conflicting emotions, i.e. how he wants to hook up with Christy, but he doesn’t want Clare to cry at him again and make him feel the bad feelings in his tummy. And of course, Clare reacts by overreacting, because she’s a very, very emotional lady who wants to milk her last moments on TV. She runs off into the woods and sobs to her raccoon buddy. She doesn’t want drama! This is why she wanted to do Dancing With The Stars! But alas, there is no dancing for Clare – she wants to go home. She tells Zack and waits a few beats, obviously expecting him to try and stop her. He does not try and stop her. Ouch. Bye, Clare! Please stop dating people on TV!
5. Cody and Michelle are at RELATIONSHIP LEVEL: DEFCON 1. It’s been two days – LITERALLY TWO DAYS – since Cody was all hot for Clare. Then he and Michelle decided to start “exploring their relationship,” AKA there was no one left for either of them, so they decided to start hanging out together. But my point is, it’s been two days. Cody is courting Michelle in the only way he knows how, by never leaving her side and saying insane things to her. He’s all, “I am falling for you!” and Michelle is like, *nervous laughter*. On their date, which naturally is to take engagement photos, complete with Michelle in a wedding dress, Michelle starts to get sort of freaked out. Cody is very emotional and doesn’t quite seem to understand that they’re not actually engaged. You guys, I sort of feel bad for Michelle Money???
6. Jesse Kovacs had a threesome, probably, except not. Christy (after being rejected by Zack) gives her date card to Jesse. The date itself is pretty boring, but it’s clear that they’ll hook up soon, if they didn’t already on or after their date. This isn’t very interesting until Lucy Aragon arrives. Lucy, self-proclaimed “free spirit” was on Juan Pablo’s season as well and she and Christy are happy to be reunited…until Lucy takes Jesse on her date. DRAMA! Since Lucy is the type of girl who doesn’t let things like titles or labels or clothing or common sense hold her back (free spirit!) she also probably hooks up with Jesse. Later that night, Jesse is in bed with Christy. Yeah, I know. It’s confusing. Jesse is basically a ping pong ball, if ping pong balls were also giant man-whores. It gets even more confusing when Lucy joins them in bed – I know, right? We’re all led to believe that they have a threesome, but Jesse himself has said they didn’t. Hmm…
7. Sarah and Robert are the most boring couple ever. Seriously, SO BORING. Sarah and Robert, quiet, sweet and boring couple, go on a date. Sarah hopes they can share their first kiss and everyone watching is like, “You haven’t kissed yet!?” I guess it’s nice that Robert is still interested in a girl like Sarah, who wears a one-piece bathing suit while people like Lucy are strutting around the house fully nude. What low expectations this show gives us, huh? So, they go out and they awkwardly hug a lot and then he kisses her. It’s so boring.
8. Even a topless free spirit can get sent home. As we approach the next rose ceremony, the big drama revolves around our threesome-who-didn’t-have-a-threesome. The couples go like this: Sarah/Robert, Zack/Jackie, Graham/AshLee, Cody/Michelle, Marcus/Lacy. That leaves Jesse in a pretty tricky position – should he choose the girl he dated and fooled around with, or the girl he dated and fooled around with? A conundrum! But despite Lucy’s lame attempts to turn Jesse against Christy, it’s Lucy who’s sent home without a rose. Definitely not sorry to see that one go. Yuck.
What I’m Left Wondering
Will Jesse keep his interest in Christy, or will he move on to another girl?
Why didn’t Lacy tell Marcus that she loves him back?
Who is the new arrival that makes Sarah think twice about Robert?
Is the raccoon sad now that his only friend is gone?