Game Of Crowns Recap: This Is The Big One

Source: Bravo TV
Source: Bravo TV

Last week on Game Of Crowns, we found out about the ever so prestigious Legends of the Crown Pageant, which is only available to elite title holders. Since both Lynne Diamante and Susanna Paliotta recently purchased received some big-time crowns in the back room of a Denny’s, all six ladies are now eligible to compete. Retired pageant queen Shelley Carbone decided to re-enter the pageant world and Vanassa Sebastian is eager to beat her this time. There’s this tricky little restraining order, though, between Lynne and Leha Guilmette, which might complicate the whole competition. The drama is heating up to a boiling point. As Susanna says, “You’re picking at a scab and it’s going to bleed and it’s toxic and you’re gonna catch something and then you’re gonna die,” which is…a really detailed metaphor, wow.

Source: Bravo TV
Source: Bravo TV

This Butt Glue Is Not Working

As the Legends of the Crown Pageant nears, all the women are getting “pageant ready.” Lori-Anne Marchese – with her husband’s help – gets painted with self-tanner. Leha kills two birds with one stone, working out with her boxing trainer. This allows her to keep her body fit and tight, plus gets out all that Lynne-focused aggression. Lynne, of course, is still getting her blood pressure taken. If you recall, all the stress from the restraining order has triggered some unidentified “heart condition” which doesn’t seem to have any impact on her life, other than her husband taking her blood pressure multiple times on camera. He doesn’t even really seem to be all that concerned. Lynne, though, thinks she’s going to skip the Legends rehearsal, because she might die or something.

At said rehearsal,  Vanassa makes quick work of getting buddy-buddy with the heads of the pageant. Since the event will take place at her husband’s resort – the Native American hotel and casino Foxwoods – she feels very comfortable, like she’s on her own turf. Or, as Susanna puts it, on her “soven land.” Oh honey. The rehearsal itself seems to be some optional dancing and lots of gossiping. It’s pretty clear from the lack of non-cast members on stage, that this isn’t the actual rehearsal, but whatever. Susanna tells Shelley and Lori-Anne how distraught Lynne’s been over the restraining order. Neither Lynne, nor Leha show up.

Source: Bravo TV
Source: Bravo TV

I Would Rather Pull Every Hair Out Of My Arm Individually

After the phony-baloney “rehearsal,” Vanassa invites all the ladies up to her suite for appetizers and more gossip. Susanna is like, “NOPE!” and high-tails it out of there. Of course, Lynne is still home pretending to cry and Leha is MIA, so it’s only Shelley and Lori-Anne who follow Vanassa up to the suite – which is gigantic and luxurious. Vanassa also has the heads of the pageant up there, just chilling out, so it seems pretty clear that she’s got this title in the bag. Interesting question: is it worse to order a title by mail, or to rub elbows with the judges like this? Hmmm…

Leha eventually shows up with her psychotic husband Nick, but he doesn’t stab anyone or anything. Leha tearfully tells the women that she’s not going to compete in the Legends of the Crown Pageant. She doesn’t want to be so close to Lynne, but she doesn’t want to “make a mockery out of pageantry” either, with bodyguards and security surround her on stage. I guess that’s big of her. Back at Lynne’s house, she and Susanna are practicing their so-called dance moves. I guess her heart is doing better?

Source: Bravo TV
Source: Bravo TV

Tell Me About The Time You Found A Ferret

Two hours before the pageant begins, all the women gather ’round their mirrors for some serious glam squad treatment – except for Shelley, who scoffs at everyone’s team of stylists. She opts to do her own hair and makeup. Well, okay then! As everyone gets ready, the directors of the pageant pull Lori-Anne aside and give her a little talk. See, Lori-Anne wants to wear her fitness title sash during the competition, but the directors want her to represent as Mrs. Connecticut. That’s more uh, legend-y. Of course, they leave the final decision up to her, which probably means that she has no chance of winning if she doesn’t listen to them.

Source: Bravo TV
Source: Bravo TV

Next up, it’s time for the interview sessions. Vanassa considers this her favorite part of a pageant because it’s what she’s best at. She really wows everyone with her story about how she likes drapes. Lynne talks about a castle made of ice and Susanna says words which may or may not string into English sentences. These interviews are a joke, man. One woman says she found a ferret in the road – that’s the entire story – and another woman says that one time, she forgot one of her children at church. These are some inspirational women, you know? Just so damn inspiring.

Maybe It’s Better That I Sat This One Out

For such a prestigious pageant, it sure looks empty in the Legends of the Crown audience. I think like, 30 people might be there? It’s seriously sad. You know what else is sad? The opening dance number. Things I hope to never see again: that dance number. Oh God, it’s so painful to watch. Even Leha in the audience is like, “Phew, did I dodge a bullet or what?” Talk about cringe-worthy. Also pretty high on the embarrassment scale is Lori-Anne’s introduction, where she flubs her lines a few times and forgets to say “Connecticut.” If you’re wondering, she chooses to wear both sashes, which supposedly wasn’t allowed, but I guess everyone realized what a joke this whole thing was and let her do it anyway.

Source: Bravo TV
Source: Bravo TV

The pageant continues uneventfully after that. They wear swimsuits. They walk. They wear evening gowns. They walk more. Finally, it’s time for the semi-finalists to be announced. I am sure you’re all shocked to hear that Vanassa, Shelley, Lori-Anne, Susanna and Lynne all make it.  Then it’s time for more interviews, where each of the women talks about their fake foundations and Vanassa mentions breast cancer again. We’ve all seen this before. Finally, we’re down to the top five. It’s…some lady, Lori-Anne, Shelley, some lady, and…..? Susanna, Lynne and Vanassa all wait to hear their name, so of course it ends there.

Source: Bravo TV
Source: Bravo TV

Next week: season finale! Who will win the Legends of the Crown Pageant? Why are Leha and Lynne headed to court? Does this show even have a prayer of being renewed?

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Digital strategist. Pop culture junkie. Comic nerd. Bravo TV fan. Nap aficionado. Lover of fuzzy slippers, cardigans, decorative pillows, glitter, kittens, pie.

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