Somehow, we’re all still watching Bachelor In Paradise. I’ve been enjoying the show, in its own sad, trainwreck kind of way, but I have to admit that I was relieved when I heard that next week is the season finale. I’m just not sure how many more weeks I can take, watching the same people take turns dating and “falling in love,” over and over again. I’m also not sure how much longer I can stare at everyone’s sunburns. Can ABC supply them with some extra SPF next season? I mean, sheesh. They’re all so red! Except for Lacy and Marcus. They are the most gloriously tan people I’ve ever seen. But I digress. This week, two more men were added to the mix and one of them even got to stay! RIP Brooks. We also had a contestant leave voluntarily, and while it wasn’t as dramatic as Clare’s exit last week, it was still pretty entertaining.
What I Learned
1. Michelle Money is super scared of Cody, but then she isn’t. Last week, Cody jumped from semi-interested in Clare to HI MICHELLE, I LOVE YOU in about two days’ time. This week, he’s actually gotten worse, talking about how he wants Michelle to meet his family and everything. Now, Michelle may be an overly dramatic fame whore, but she’s not crazy. Cody? Oh, he cray. And Michelle knows it. She’s obviously concerned about his insta-love and asks him to slow down and give her some space. Cody is like, “I will give you as much space as you need. I will do anything for you! You are my soul mate!” and for some reason, this works for Michelle. I was pretty sure Cody would be on the next boat home, but Michelle’s giving it a shot. You know, until the finale next week.
2. Lacy and Marcus are for sure in love, or something. Marcus, the vice president of Cody’s Moving Way Too Fast club, really loves Lacy. Like, he loves her a lot. Last week, he loved her enough to tolerate a stomach bug. This week, he loves her enough to protect her from bats. This is some real deal, true f*cking devotion, folks. The thing is, Lacy still hasn’t said the L-word back to Marcus…yet. After getting attacked by scary bats, Lacy knows that Marcus is the one and she tells him that they’re “on the same page.” Aww.
3. Poor Brooks never had a chance. True story: I vaguely remembered Brooks, but I could not remember who Desiree was at all. I had to look her up and then I watched the horribly awkward break-up between her and Brooks and it all came rushing back like a bad acid trip. Oh man, riiiight. So yeah, that’s Brooks. Somehow, out of that, Sarah ended up getting a huge crush on him. I don’t get it, either. When he shows up this week, she’s torn – things are going great with Robert, but there’s this attraction to Brooks. Um, no Sarah. This is not a tough call. Brooks considers asking Sarah out for like, 0.4 seconds until Robert threatens his life, so he goes with Jackie instead.
Sarah later considers breaking things off with Robert, but then he gives her a romantic note and tells her how serious he is and of course, she melts. Brooks who? As for Jackie, she likes Brooks for about five minutes and then goes back to Zack. Sorry, Brooks. Maybe you can get a job as a manicurist?
4. AshLee has been quiet lately, but she’s still unhinged. I think AshLee is obligated to have at least one freak out per week. This week, she bursts into tears when Graham doesn’t get a date card. Even though they’ve been on dates before. And they are literally together all the time on a huge beach. Okay, crazy lady.
5. Michelle can actually be pretty nice, when she wants to be. After seeing how horrifically Jesse has treated Christy, Michelle is pissed off. I mean really, really pissed off. And for once, I don’t think this is about her – I think Michelle is actually just upset to see a girl devalue herself and be used by such a scum bag. It’s really human of her, which of course surprises me, because I wasn’t sure she was one of those. When Tasos shows up in paradise, he’s not sure who to ask on his date. Michelle immediately pulls him aside. For a moment, everyone thinks she’s ditching Cody – and honestly, this is what I thought as well. But it turns out, she’s setting up Tasos and Christy. “Tasos is a good man,” Michelle says, and Christy deserves a good man. It’s…really sweet? Weeeeird.
6. Probably no one will ever email Jesse Kovacs. Jesse, Jesse, Jesse. Oh boy. So after last week, Jesse decided that he’d stay with Christy and send Lucy home. He continues hooking up with Christy – but he also hooks up with Jackie. Also, he tells all the guys about each girl, in detail. Also, he continuously makes fun of Christy. Basically, Jesse Kovacs is the absolute worst. Once Christy realizes this and goes out with Tasos, Jesse knows his days are numbered – so he decides to go home. I guess to avoid the humiliation of not getting a rose? I don’t know. But man, it’s funny, because he keeps saying over and over again how he’s made lifelong friends and he knows they’ll all be emailing and calling and hanging out soon. Everyone looks at him like, “GTFO, buddy. I legitimately never want to see you again,” and Jesse just keeps yammering on like a human yearbook signature. K.I.T. BFF ALWAYS!
7. As an activist for feminism, Christy needs some work. For some reason, none of the women in the house want to see Jesse go gentle into that good night. They want him to pay for the way he’s treated Christy. They want him to own up to his actions. They want Christy to stand up for herself – and by golly, for women everywhere – by giving Jesse a piece of her mind! After getting all amped up, Christy marches over to Jesse, who’s already in the limo and on his way out. She throws open the door and really lets him have it. The confrontation goes something like this:
Christy: I know what you did with Lucy and Jackie! I know you bragged to everyone about it! You’re a coward!
Christy: How dare you? You just want to leave before you look stupid for not getting a rose! Coward!
Lacy [butts in]: You can’t treat people this way! You’re a pig!
Michelle [also butts in]: You really hurt Christy! You disgust me!
Jesse: ‘Kay, bye now.
What I’m Left Wondering
Did Jesse ever get an email? Do you think he’s refreshing firstname.lastname@example.org right now?!
Why didn’t Michelle and Brooks just make a pact and get rid of Cody? I mean honestly, you know she wanted to.
Will any of these couples actually end up together? Do I care?