In honor of Cycle 21 (seriously, this show has been on for 20 seasons already) of America’s Next Top Model, I am going to give you 21 random reactions to every episode. I know, I know. Sometimes, I’m so clever, right? But seriously, we are only three episodes in and Tyra Banks has coined at least two new phrases with which to confuse me. This week, they all revolve around abs. Because hey, why not make up new words for things that already have perfectly good words? Like…”abs.” Hmmph. What else happened this week? Well, a couple got together and then they broke up. A certain Tyson Beckford lookalike gave us a little bit of TMI. Oh, and I’m pretty sure that Romeo is putting a hex on his competition.
1. The models’ first challenge this week is to participate in what Tyra calls a “living art” runway, which basically means a runway. I don’t understand the living art part. Whatever. They’re not wearing anything but silly string – seriously. Is that the “art” part? The neon green silly string hanging from their junk? Okay.
2. Before the
living art runway show, the models take turns showing Miss J what they’re made of. In terms of walking, I mean. Miss J will see what they’re made of otherwise during the show. Raelia walks like a hoochie and Matthew walks like a bro.
3. Hey, did you know that the guys all like Kari? The guys like Kari. Kari: the one guys like.
4. Adam is such a joke. It’s killing me. Even before he walks down the runway, he lifts up his legs so he can go “spread eagle.” Because…everyone wants to see his testicles? I don’t understand why someone would do that. “Hey, I know what will get me bonus points with the judges – my chode!” No, dude. No. Then when he hits the end of the runway, he’s shaking his hair around and rubbing his hands all over himself like he’s an extra in a Whitesnake video. I don’t even know what’s happening with Adam, but I’m already over it.
5. Getting the low self-esteem edit: Will and Ivy. That either means that they’ll end up doing great this week, or they’ll end up on the bottom. Will doesn’t feel comfortable with his shirt off, because he’s not ripped like the other guys. Ivy is just intimidated by everything and everyone. She reminds me of a small woodland animal that blinks a lot and then runs away whenever there’s a loud noise.
6. Best on the silly string challenge: Lenox, in my opinion, Chantelle and Keith. Worst: Adam, obviously, and Ivy. The winner is Keith, who gets the keys to the Tyra Suite, which I forgot was a thing. He can invite “a friend” to share the suite and I know you’re all going to be surprised, but he picked Kari. Kari: the one guys like.
7. Props to Kari for getting into bed with him and immediately saying, “I’m not f*cking you.” For the record, all they do is cuddle.
8. Last week, Romeo “cast a spell” on Danny and then he went home. This week, he’s identified Ivy as his biggest threat, so she’s doomed for sure.
9. Note to Adam: bragging about your ability to binge drink is not cute.
10. Person who needs to shut up the most: Mirjana. This girl is only 18 years old, so I guess she deserves some allowance for immaturity, but wow. She’s pretty awful. The sexual tension between her and Matthew has been building since day one, and they spend their first night in the house together – just cuddling. She fails to mention her boyfriend this entire time. But, she tells the audience at home, she and her boyfriend are having problems because he’s “not supportive.” The next morning, she’s all aflutter to hear that her boyfriend is tweeting about her. Love restored! Sorry, Matthew!
11. For real, the way she tells Matthew that she has a boyfriend is by gushing about her boyfriend in front of him so that he overhears. WTF.
12. The next day, it’s time for the very first real photo shoot of the season. It’s also time to shoot the ANTM opening sequence. This year – for the very first time! – the viewers at home will get to see them shoot the opening credits. Is that exciting? I guess so. I think it’s just a way to save time and money, because this is also the photo shoot, apparently. Huh. The theme for cycle 21 is “dump a bunch of water on their heads,” which looks way less sexy when it’s not edited in slow motion. The models all have a tough time with it, blubbering and wincing as ice cold water rains down on them.
13. It’s kind of funny.
14. Tyra’s Language Arts lesson of the day: men have the BOOM-BOOM-BOOM. These are the three layers of abs. Women, in contrast, have the BOOM-BOOM-WOW, which is two layers of abs and a reminder that no one likes a pooch.
15. Adam says that he’s been working out really hard (you don’t say) so he actually has the BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM (four layers). If you erase everything about Adam except those four layers, I’m all in.
16. Yu Tsai seems to share the same opinion of Adam.
17. Keith’s shoot is OUT OF CONTROL. Stop being so hot, Keith. We find out later that he didn’t want to take his pants down, because he’s “a manaconda.” Tyra’s words, not mine.
18. We have our answer to #5: Will and Ivy are both a hot mess. Yu Tsai wants to kill them. Neither of them know what to do with their bodies and they’re completely self-conscious.
19. That night, Adam gets drunk again. Mirjana yells at him, because he’s an ass, but I still want her to shut up. Then she yells at Matthew, too, because she is a child who deals with difficult emotions by giving everyone attitude. I’m almost more annoyed with Matthew in this situation, because he’s like, six years older than her and he should know better.
20. Some of the best photos are Keith, Lenox, Romeo and Mirjana. The bottom two are, duh, Ivy and Will.
21. Goodbye, Ivy. Keith wins. My advice to Keith? HIDE FROM ROMEO.