ANTM Recap: Beard Weave

Source: The CW
Source: The CW

It’s the second full episode of America’s Next Top Model, which we all know means it’s time for…MAKEOVERS. Or, as they’re forcing us to call it, Ty-Overs. Um, no. I will not call it that. Anyone’s who’s watched ANTM before knows that the makeover episode means several things: First, someone will cry over their hair. Second, Tyra will make at least one really pretty person look busted for the sake of “uniqueness.” Third: that same person will probably be the one who cries. This week, nothing has changed. Tyra turns Kari – the one all the guys want – into a weird alien-looking thing and Romeo continues his reign of terror on his competition. Here’s my observations:

1. Keith is really hot, I’ll admit it – but I don’t want to hear “manaconda” ever again. Ever.

Source: The CW
Source: The CW

2. I don’t understand what Denzel means when he says he wants “an alpha male” to win the competition. Does he mean a manly man? A strong role model? A straight guy? I honestly don’t get it, but it comes off like he’s being a pretty big douche. Apologies if you’re not, Denzel, but for real. Alpha males don’t really have “the struggle,” you know?

3. True story: I still cannot remember how to spell Mirjana’s name and I have to look it up every time. Unfortunately, I have to type it a lot, because the damn girl never shuts up. Now that’s she’s kicked Matthew to the curb, it’s all about Denzel. She can’t stop touching his face, which I guess is flirting if you’re a cat or Lennie from Of Mice and Men. She’s blatantly all over him, in front of Matthew and everyone else, but I think she still has the boyfriend at home, too? Ugh. In Will’s words, she “bugs the poo out of me.” (P.S. I love Will)

4. Hey, guess what? Romeo is a witch. I don’t know if his entire “I’m going to light candles and cast spells over a pentacle” thing is staged for the show or not, but it’s really hard to take him seriously. Not that it’s hard to take Wiccans seriously, mind you. Just Romeo. This week he’s pegged Chantelle as his biggest competition, so I’m kind of worried that she might “accidentally” fall off a cliff or something.

Source: The CW
Source: The CW

5. This week’s photo shoot is actually pretty cool – they’re creating optical illusions. Yu Tsai explains this concept to them as “anti-gravity,” which I don’t think is really correct, but hey. Whatever. The models all have a rough time with this shoot, trying to convey tension in their bodies and a sense of motion while, essentially, just lying on the ground. Standout great photos: Lenox, Ben, Raelia. For real, Lenox might win this whole thing. Calling it now.

6. Like I said, lots of the models have trouble. Kari has no neck, Chantelle looks cocky instead of confident, Adam looks too short. Worst of all, though? Denzel. He’s totally trapped in his own head and he lets all the frustration (and jealousy over Keith) get the best of him. Yu Tsai taunts him – which I think is a tactic to get a better reaction? – but it just makes Denzel throw a bike and walk off set. So mature! Romeo also sort of sucks, but I think his slippery shoes might be at least a little too blame.

7. In addition to winning best photo and getting the Tyra Suite, Keith and his special friend (Kari, duh) get “Tyra Treats” while on set. Chocolate covered strawberries and champagne. Vomit.

Source: The CW
Source: The CW

8. Romance alert: methinks Will and Matthew are having a mutual crush thing. Except Matthew is straight? Hmm…

9. A “Satanic Oujia board Chucky doll” is the best description of Romeo ever. Thank you, Denzel.

10. OMG IT’S MAKEOVER TIME! The models get a dumb scavenger hunt to find out what their looks will be – the twist is, only one box contains shears. The one who finds the shears will know which makeover it their makeover. Ooh, exciting! (Not really) Denzel gets the shears, which he reacts to quite calmly by jumping up and down and cackling, “I got the shears, b*tches!” His makeover: beard weave. That’s what you get for acting like an ass, Denzel. A beard weave.



Source: The CW
Source: The CW

13. Drama alert: someone is getting a buzz cut and Chantelle decides that even the concept alone of getting her hair touched is enough to send her into a breakdown. She’s nearly in tears, snapping at everyone that she wants to be alone. Because someone might get their hair cut – for the makeovers. Which happen every year. Okay, up until this point, I was very Team Chantelle, but girl, STFU. This is not a surprise. You knew going  in that they might touch your hair. It’s a show with an annual makeover special. Lord.

14. Cory Wade Hindorff is back! He reminds all the divas that Tyra shaved him bald and it made him all the way to the finals – plus, he kept the look after the show. Because he’s awesome and probably also, because he’s paid to say that.

Source: The CW
Source: The CW

15. Here are the Ty-Overs makeovers:

  • Ben and Adam: heads shaved
  • Will: pompadour
  • Kari: platinum blonde
  • Romeo: platinum with grey contact lenses
  • Mirjana: swooped bob
  • Shei: black on one side, blonde on the other
  • Chantelle: long weave with blonde tips
  • Matthew: dark and cropped
  • Raelia: big curls
  • Lenox: long, dark and blunt ends
Source: The CW
Source: The CW

16. My thoughts? Adam looks 100% hotter without his dumb long hair. Mirjana and Matthew both look super high fashion. I was skeptical about Romeo’s dumb contacts, but it looks pretty cool. Shei’s look is interesting, but kind of impractical – I mean, how is she supposed to be versatile like that? Will’s hair is awesome. But hey, guess what? Denzel’s beard weave looks stupid as hell. I’ve seen Halloween costume beards look better. I want to cry for him. Maybe I did a little, shh.

17. Speaking of crying, Kari turns out to be the girl who bawls over her makeover – and even though it’s like, get over it, I have to say that I feel for the girl. Her makeover is NOT OKAY. The girl was so pretty and now she looks sort of…like jaundice?

Source: The CW
Source: The CW

18. WHY IS TYRA TAKING THEIR DNA? Cycle 22: Clone models.

19. After their makeovers, the models all get druuuuunk. Shocker. Mirjana takes a shower with Denzel, because Mirjana is kind of a ho, I’m just saying. After many (many, many) hours of drinking, Will and Matthew make out. AND THEY DON’T EVEN GET IT ON CAMERA. Show, what are you good for? I mean, honestly. Oh, and PSA to all people everywhere? The way Denzel, Keith and Mirjana react to this news could basically fill up a handbook entilted, “Things Not To Say To Someone About Their Sexuality 101.” It’s the Spanish Inquisition, like one kiss is supposed to redefine Matthew’s entire being or something. You guys, here’s a newsflash: sexuality isn’t black and white for some people. Interrogating them about it and forcing them to admit that they “are gay now” is probably not the way to go. Gross.

20. Still pretty annoyed that we didn’t get the kiss on film, though.

Source: The CW
Source: The CW

21. This week’s top photos? Ben, Lenox and Will, with Ben getting top photo. In the bottom are the over-confident Chantelle and “sexy alien” Kari. God, I love Chantelle’s look, but I’m kind of happy that Kari gets to stay. Being eliminated after that makeover would be a huge blow. That being said…is Romeo actually casting real spells? I am starting to get freaked out!


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