Cycle 21 of America’s Next Top Model introduced us to Romeo, an actual witch who casts actual spells and may actually have real power. Maybe. Over the course of the last three episodes, he’s cast a few spells and eliminated his biggest competition – first Danny, then Ivy and Chantelle. Every week, he names a threat, casts a spell and then they’re gone. Poof! Coincidence? Snazzy editing skills? Maybe. But this week, his attempt to curse frat boy Adam backfires and it’s Romeo who gets hexed.
1. When the models get back to the house, Ben celebrates his winning best photo and invites bro Adam to join him in the Tyra Suite, because bros. Adam is hopeful that he’ll start to do better in the competition because his career path up until now has been “sitting in a cube, crushing Excel.” This is also an accurate description of my life. To be fair, I also crush PowerPoint.
2. The models play Truth or Dare and the guys dare Kari and Mirjana to kiss, because of course they do. Considering her reaction last week to Matt kissing Will, you’d think Mirjana would have more reservations about kissing someone of the same sex. One kiss makes you ALL THE GAY, right? Oh, it’s just for the pleasure of men watching? Oh, okay, then carry on. (Vomit)
3. I really dislike Mirjana.
4. Tyra’s modeling lesson for this week’s photo shoot: sex sells. GROUNDBREAKING INFO. People like having the sex, or thinking about having the sex, and if you look like you might enjoy having the sex as well, people might look at you and like thinking about you! And the sex! Maybe even having the sex with you! You can sell things that way, like awesome shoes or beer and cars! Tyra is a trailblazer, you guys.
5. The Tyra Banks three-step approach to achieving sexiness:
- Step one: werk the smirk. Yes, she spells it that way. This is when you put intensity in your eyes, but entice and tease with a little smile. Good at werking the smirk: Raelia, Will and Keith.
- Step two: fierce fantasy headroll. For the girls, this is “the boom to the boom to the boom to the boom.” Literally, that’s what Tyra says. I think it means to go back and forth twice, thus resulting in four “booms,” but who can say, really? The boys should roll their heads too, but be bored about it. Tyra also whispers the word “horny” at one point here, and I barf a little. Good at the headroll: pretty much everyone but Adam. Adam sucks at the headroll. Tyra even says, “Adam, how are you in bed? This is awful.” HA.
- Step three: the peeping tooch (girls) / peeping booch (boys). This is when you turn and pop the booty out. Someone is checking you out, but you’re acting like you don’t know. Oh, but you know.
6. Poor Lenox just doesn’t know how to be sexy. She’s quite young and inexperienced and this all clearly makes her uncomfortable. She spends the entire teaching session giggling nervously and looking awkward. It’s a total change from her previous work on the show. I guess she’s comfortable being editorial, but not so much with her own sexuality.
7. “Where’s the booty, Lenox?” “I don’t know.”
8. Tyra informs the models that they should all go home and practice their three-step process to sexiness because they’ll be tested on it the following day. Everyone does this, except for Lenox. She’s given up on the whole thing. Sadface.
9. Yu Tsai shows up the next day with a huge ass spider. That is not okay. He tells the models that they’ll be shooting a “sexy vampire black widow commercial,” because they Googled “sexy picture” and that’s what came up.
10. The group is paired off for their sexy shoot: Adam and Shei; Ben and Raelia; Keith and Mirjana; Kari and Denzel; Romeo and Lenox; Matt and Will. Oh Lenox is so doomed. Mirjana thinks it’s “hilarious” that Matt and Will have been paired up because Matthew might be bi because he had a big gay dude kiss. This from the girl who made out with Kari the night before. Spoiler alert: Kari has lady parts, just like Mirjana. GAY. Seriously, I cannot stand Mirjana.
11. The ANTM crew went shopping at the Literal Props Store and came back with a big web made of rope, some red contact lenses and blood red nail polish.
12. Raelia really kills this shoot. I wish Lenox had worked with her a bit more and learned that you don’t need to be sexually experienced to be a sexy woman. Also hot: Mirjana and Keith, much to Denzel’s dismay. Matt and Will still have crazy chemistry, by the way. I am shipping it hard, you guys. Kari and Keith have no chemistry. Yu Tsai yells, “It looks like Kari is licking his armpit!” a lot, which I don’t think is the goal. Also, Adam struggles and Lenox totally bombs. Duh.
13. That night, it’s Romeo’s birthday, but everyone kind of hates him, so they go to bed. Only Adam stays up late with Romeo, a true sign of brotherhood and/or devotion to alcohol. Time passes – perhaps a lot of time – and Romeo is super f*cking wasted. Like, can barely stand, speech slurring wasted. Adam, who probably has the alcohol tolerance of 10 Romeos, is trying to get Romeo into bed. Not like that, but in the, “Dude, you’re too wasted, go to bed and sleep it off” way. Then Romeo just snaps. “Don’t f*cking touch me,” he says, then proceeds to get all up in Adam’s face. Repeatedly. He also starts attacking Adam, saying he’s “not a model,” and trying to piss him off. He’s clearly goading Adam into hitting him, a weak and pathetic (and tired) reality show tactic if there ever was one.
I am tempted to say that Romeo planned out this entire thing, but he honestly seems really drunk, so I’m not sure if it was premeditated or not. Either way, he wanted Adam to disqualify himself and Adam – to his credit – would not let Romeo get the best of him. I know it’s like, “Oh hey, yeah, congrats for not being violent and assaulting someone,” but there’s a limit to every person’s tolerance and with Romeo up in his face (literally, touching noses) and saying, “So punch me. Punch me. Punch me,” it probably took a lot of willpower to not, you know, punch him.
14. LOL drunk moment: “You’re nothing but a personal trainel.” You tried, Romeo.
15. I don’t think Adam is much of a model, but he won some points with me this week. He was completely calm and rational and never laid a hand on Romeo, even after being headbutted. Headbutted. God Romeo, what a little assh*le, ya know?
16. Obviously, Romeo gets sent home because of the show’s zero tolerance to physical assault policy. Smell you later, bro.
17. Miss J. and Yu Tsai kick his butt to the curb and then introduce the day’s runway challenge: STILTS. Mirjana has major struggles because she’s afraid of heights, but she ends up doing alright, despite biting it bigtime during rehearsals. It’s Raelia who ends up falling down on stage. Yu Tsai and Miss J. say she looks terrified and it’s kind of true. Adam shakes nervously and Ben wobbles, but recovers. He ends up winning for using the pole to help him stay upright.
18. During the judges’ panel, I can’t even tell who is on top and who is on the bottom. Tyra and PR Maven/human troll Kelly Cutrone disagree on almost everything. Some things universally agreed upon: Raelia’s commercial was awesome. Both Kelly and Tyra give her a 10, in fact. Ben’s booch was too boochy, or something, and he gets Tyra’s first 5. Will and Matthew really get Kelly and Miss J. um, excited, and I think they need a moment. Like, really.
19. The worst critique goes to Lenox. Tyra is not just unhappy with Lenox’s shoot – SHE IS DISAPPOINTED. It’s not as bad as, “I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU, TIFFANY!” but it’s up there. She makes Lenox cry and then gives her a 1 – a one! “Holy sh*t,” exclaims PR Maven/human troll Kelly Cutrone. Holy sh*t, indeed.
20. The best photo this week goes to Will – yay Will! I love Will, you guys. Raelia gets runner-up, obviously. In the bottom are Adam and Lenox, but let’s be real. We know Lenox is going to get worst photo.
21. Luckily, because Romeo was sent home, Lenox gets to stay. However, there’s a catch – next week, Lenox will only receive five frames during the photo shoot. FIVE. That means she really, really has to try and not give up and be a huge, pathetic disappointment again, GOD LENOX WHY DIDN’T YOU TRY. Tyra is really giving it to Lenox, man. It’s BRUTAL. She’s like:
I mean, why don’t you just spit on her, Tyra? Good lord.
Next week: no Romeo!