Last week on America’s Next Top Model, everyone amped up the drama. Tyra tried to teach everyone to be sexy with textbook moves like “the peeping tooch” and “werking the smirk.” Some of the contestants were good at it (Raelia, Mirjana, Will, Keith) and some were not (Adam, Lenox). Lenox was so bad at being sexy, in fact, that she gave up on it entirely. “I will never be sexy!” she declared, as she competed in a modeling competition. Mmmhmm. This unwillingness to try disappointed Tyra, which is the worst thing you can ever, ever do, and lo Lenox was punished. For the next photo shoot, she will only receive five frames. Five is, uh, not a lot. Also last week, Romeo headbutted Adam in an attempt to send him home, but ended up going home himself. Oops! Wiccan fail!
1. Will is celebrating his ability to “werk the smirk” and winning best photo. He invites his bestie Raelia to join him in the Tyra Suite. In contrast, Ben and Lenox are struggling with self-doubt. Lenox is especially having a hard time, because Tyra ripped her a new one at panel. Also, she misses her mom. Aw.
2. Seriously, Lenox is about nine years old, though.
3. Meanwhile, the couples are coupling – they’ve invented the “Lovers’ Suite,” which is just some mattresses pressed together, because this show is classy like that. Mirjana and Denzel (who doesn’t have his terrible beard anymore?!) are all about the PDA, while Kari and Keith are being more mature about it and not like, having sex right there in the room.
4. Yu Tsai introduces the next photo challenge: “a beautiful avant garde hair editorial.” Oh God.
5. Oh boy, it’s a “whip your hair” shoot – they’re all getting horrible wigs. Like Yu Tsai sent an intern out to the Halloween Depot and they grabbed every available hair piece from the “1980s Rock Star” bin. I do not understand this show’s obsession with terrible, fake hair pieces. They will whip their wigs in slow-motion and capture an action shot. This sounds SO TERRIBLE.
6. Friendly reminder that Lenox only gets five hair flips.
7. Mirjana still has her boyfriend. WHAT? “I guess I’m just going to write him a letter,” is what she says about it. Oh my God, this girl is the worst. Spoiler alert: everyone except Denzel and Mirjana are sick of Denzel or Mirjana. Too much PDA, too much unprofessional behavior on set.
8. Why must Adam continuously bark prior to a photo shoot? Is this “method”?
9. This photo shoot is so horribly embarrassing to watch. Cringe, cringe, cringe. Adam starts off slow, but manages to pull it together. His bro Ben, however, not so much. Shei and Raelia rock it. So does Mirjana and Kari. Denzel and Keith seem to have some trouble, since they’re not used to having any hair at all.
10. Hey, Denzel has a new beard! It’s better, but it’s still so bad. So bad, you guys. Also, someone needs to inform Denzel that makeup is part of being a model, regardless of gender. “I’ve never worn ‘man-liner’,” he says, which okay, no. First of all, it’s “guyliner,” not “man-liner.” Second of all, shut up.
11. Yu Tsai screaming, “YOU WANNA BE ON TOP?” will haunt my nightmares.
12. Hey, did you know that Lenox only gets five frames? FIVE FRAMES. After three, she bursts into tears and runs away. Instead of telling her to get her sh*t together, everyone is nice and comforting, probably because she’s nine years old.
13. “IT IS OKAY TO CRY!” — inspirational speaker and wearer of neon green cardigans, Yu Tsai.
14. Ben tells us for the 500th time that he’s a “quadruple threat”- he can sing, dance, act and model. Okay, buddy. WAIT, WHAT? He’s writing a song with Adam? NO. No, please make it stop. Make it stoooooop. Put the acoustic guitar away, Ben, save yourself before it’s too late. Adam is joining in with a rap. IT KEEPS GETTING WORSE. I don’t- I’m sorry, I have to go.
15. The following day: extremely long challenge that’s actually an advertisement for Nick Cannon’s new headphone line. Lenox wins. Super boring. Don’t care.
16. Wait, I am very confused – how the hell is this show edited? I thought this was the following day, but Denzel’s beard is gone again. Maybe the new beard is magic?
17. We are forced to endure Ben and Adam’s song during judges’ panel. The least said about this whole situation, the better. I will never recover from this. They started to sing and my right eye actually started to twitch. Adam’s rap – because yes, he did a rap – begins, “Dolphin sex, Adonis diapers,” just to give you an idea of what happened.
18. DENZEL BEARD WATCH: it’s back.
19. I am not usually into PR Maven/Human troll Kelly Cutrone’s stupid one-liners, but when she tells Ben that his photo makes him look like a drag bar owner in The Flintstones, I laughed out loud. When she calls Keith a “one-trick pony,” and Tyra says he’s a pony everybody wants to ride, though? I barf a little. Tyra, keep it in your pants.
20. Miss J. gently informs Raelia that she’s not very articulate and so Tyra attempts an elocution lesson. It goes like this: “The blain in the splain falls mainly in the plain.” Let’s just move on.
21. The judges are in love with photos from Kari, Mirjana, Shei, Raelia and yes, Lenox. She gets top photo this week, so maybe she’ll stop acting like a terrified little mouse from now on. Probably not, though. Ben goes home, but I guess it was because of his sh*tty hair flip photo and not his song.
Next week: Denzel acts like a homophobic ass. Yay!