ANTM Recap: The Break-Up

Source: The CW
Source: The CW

Previously, Denzel from America’s Next Top Model really pissed me off. I wasn’t the only one, either. Tyra Banks gave him lecture about ignorance and homophobia like I’ve never before seen on reality TV – or hell, maybe ever on television period. This week, Denzel tries to dig himself out of that hole, but manages to just keep making people angry. Let’s face it, Denzel: no one likes you or your stupid beard except Mirjana – and she’s no prize. Meanwhile, Lenox continues to dominate the competition and Cycle 20’s Cory Wade Hindorff is back once again, this time dressed like a robot because hey, why not?

1. When the models get home from panel, they take a moment to revel in Lenox’s “ice queen” moment. Then Denzel gets down to business. He doesn’t like how things went during judging, when Tyra basically called him out for being a huge homophobic ignoramus. No? You didn’t like that, Denzel? Aw. So, he pulls Will aside to talk. He explains that he was raised by his grandfather, who is “old old school,” and he says that he’s a product of his environment. Will is like, “Um, okay, sure.” Denzel admits that he’s a work in progress and in the end, Will sort of seems to think that Denzel maybe recognizes that he has a lot to learn or something. Good enough, I guess!

Source: The CW
Source: The CW

2. Meanwhile, Denzel wasn’t raised “old old school” enough to stop using a girl for sex. Everyone in the house contiues to discuss how Mirjana is falling for Denzel, but he’s just using her. In interviews with Denzel and Mirjana separately, this does actually seem to be the case.

3. The following day, the models meet up with Kelly Cutrone and the founder of Nylon Magazine. They have to team up in groups of three to create a “Nylon worthy photo shoot.” The key here is to be effortlessly cool, which shouldn’t be too hard for a bunch of self-obsessed fame whores on a reality TV show. The catch is that they’ll be modeling clothes from Kelly Cutrone’s new line, which is called Electric Love Army.

4. Electric. Love. Army.

5. The groups are: Matthew, Will and Raelia; Denzel, Mirjana and Lenox; Adam, Shei and Keith. Matthew has a very strong vision, which mostly involves Raelia going topless and embodying the “high school slut.” Meanwhile, Denzel has oiled himself up and refuses to wear a shirt. Kelly isn’t thrilled with either one of them. Raelia’s boobs are all over the place. Denzel is half-naked, on all fours and still wearing oil. So hey, guess what? Shei, Keith and Adam win.

6. Kelly tells Matthew that the word “slut” is something he should permanently remove from his vocabulary. Hey, Kelly Cutrone is right, you guys! Matthew seems to understand what he did wrong, which is a nice change for this show.

7. For a guy who looks like Tyson Beckford, I keep forgetting Keith’s name.

Source: The CW
Source: The CW

8. Back at home, some of the models are hanging out and Denzel keeps running his mouth. He’s really good at that. This time, he’s telling everyone how he’s not actually into Mirjana. Lenox is a)pissed about losing the challenge and, b)very young, so she runs upstairs to tell Mirjana everything Denzel is saying. Spoiler alert: Mirjana isn’t happy.

9. “Go ahead, sit in the chair,” Mirjana says and then throws the chair on the ground. AMAZING.

10. I’m going to be very honest…this breakup isn’t as interesting as I want it to be. Mirjana is not very articulate. But when she tells him to pack his sh*t up and get out of her bed, that part is pretty clear. Looks like Mirjana and Denzel are dunzo.

11. But hey – Mirjana still has a boyfriend! She gives him a call and confesses about the cheating. Well, she says, “There is a guy here who I’ve cuddled with and kissed,” which leaves out a pretty significant detail I think, but okay. I guess she “came clean” and now she’s “back with her boyfriend,” because whatever.

Source: The CW
Source: The CW

12. Hey, remember when everyone spit in a cup and Tyra stole their DNA to make model clones sent their DNA to a lab to find their heritage? Well, the results are in! Are you excited? Me either. Turns out that we are all different…yet we are all the same. It’s the ciiiiiiiiiiircle of li- nevermind.

13. SHOCKING DNA RESULTS: Mirjana, Raelia and Lenox are all Asian. Adam and Shei are both Irish. Keith and Matthew are both Spanish. And finally, both Will and Denzel share Finnish, Scandinavian and European Jewish ancestry. Yes, that’s right! The gay and the guy who doesn’t like the gays! They have several similarities! It’s like…WE ARE ALL ONE.

14. My fave Cory Wade Hindorff arrives to give us a science lesson: “In the future, scientists believe that ethnicity will eventually mesh into one. Scientists also believe that artificial intelligence will merge with human beings, and they will eventually become one.” It’s true because SCIENCE!

15. Photo shoot: Cory is a robot and the models (in strange, costume-y versions of their newly discovered heritage) have a love scene with Cory. Or something. This show is on crack. Adam struggles but eventually gets some good shots. Lenox rocks it as always. Mirjana is distracted by her breakup. Denzel has trouble focusing because he has to get all up on Cory, who has male parts in his robot pants. Matthew also does pretty badly, but not because Cory is a boy. He just does badly.

Source: The CW
Source: The CW

16. Favorite part of the episode: Yu Tsai screaming, “I FEEL LIKE IT’S GROUNDHOG DAY!”

17. Second-favorite part of the episode: Tyra picks Will’s wedgie.

18. Then, somehow, Denzel and Mirjana get back together. UGH. I don’t caaaaare. Then Will gets confused and thinks he’s on The Bachelor or something, because he says that Mirjana and Denzel aren’t “here for the right reasons.” Doesn’t ABC has that trademarked? Oooh, The CW is gonna get sued.

19. At the judges’ panel, Mirjana gets criticized for her performance on the challenge and her crappy photo. Tyra is disappointed in Adam’s lack of boom-boom-boom, but she loves the way he’s biting down on his back teeth, so he gets a 9 from her – the highest he’s received so far. Matthew’s photo is…bad. It’s just not good, guys, and I am a Matthew fan. The judges are torn on Keith, but everyone agrees that Lenox looks divine – she gets straight 10s across the board – a perfect score!

20. Everyone thinks Will’s booty looks great. Miss J. adds that, “Cory is feeling it for sure,” which cracks me up.

Source: The CW
Source: The CW

21. In the end, Lenox obviously gets the top photo – AGAIN. In the bottom are Matthew and Mirjana. It’s super disappointing, because I can’t stand Mirjana and Matthew seems like a pretty decent guy – but I have to agree with Tyra’s choice. Mirjana stays, Matthew goes home. That means we’re stuck with the Couple From Hell for another week. Ugh.

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Digital strategist. Pop culture junkie. Comic nerd. Bravo TV fan. Nap aficionado. Lover of fuzzy slippers, cardigans, decorative pillows, glitter, kittens, pie.

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