I’m not even going to beat around the bush about this: I am a very happy camper. After this week’s episode of America’s Next Top Model, one-half of reality TV’s worst couple is gone and he’s never coming back. That’s right, Denzel – the one I fondly refer to in my head as Beard Weave the Homophobe – is gone. Now maybe that spoils the recap, but it probably just makes you smile, because let’s be real: nobody likes Denzel. As the contestants participate in their first real runway challenge (like, with actual designers) it becomes pretty clear that I’m not alone in my distaste for Denzel. Spoiler alert: it’s all of the designers. They hate him, too. Meanwhile, one contestant returns, thanks to social media. Who will it be? Oh who cares, it’s not Denzel!
1. When the models get home from panel, each of them mourn the loss of pretty, pretty Matthew. Adam has a drink for him, of course. Despite nearly being eliminated like, an hour before, Mirjana continues to act better than everyone. In an interview, Keith sums it up pretty well by saying, “Man, f*ck that b*tch.” Well, Keith, tell us how you really feel.
2. For the third week in a row, Lenox has received best photo, which means that she’s also in the Tyra Suite for the third time – and this week, she gets some Tyra Treats to go with it. Last time Tyra Treats made an appearance, it was in the form of strawberries and chocolate. This time, it’s Miss J. in a onesie covered in cupcakes, with hot pink rollers in her hair. UPGRADE. She will give Lenox and two friends some private runway lessons. Lenox chooses Raelia and Shei, though Will gets kind of miffed over it. The three ladies get a special twerking lesson as well, where Lenox reminds us how she will never, ever be sexy.
3. The models find out that their next challenge will be to book runway shows at Style Fashion Week. This is like, real actual modeling with real, actual designers. Weird.
4. Denzel reminds us that Kelly, Tyra and the rest of the judges keep telling him that his arms are too big. He needs to tone down the bulk and do some cardio. Denzel wisely states that he will respect their opinion, even if their opinion is wrong. (Spoiler alert: their opinion is not wrong)
5. What is Style Fashion Week, though? I do not know.
6. Miss J. brings out Betsey effing Johnson, who I almost considered watching Dancing With The Stars for, so you know how much I love her. I mean, how could you not? Other designers include Civil Society, Control Sector and Altef Maaneshia. The models will all audition for each show, although they’re not guaranteed to book any gigs.
7. As the models audition, they are rated on their walks and how they’ve improved over the season. Raelia and Shei both kill it, which sort of makes Lenox regret choosing them for the Tyra Treat. Will is commended for making his walk less feminine, which I guess is a thing he was supposed to do.
8. Betsey Johnson has several spots for the girls, but only one for the guys – a fireman holding a hose. Oh Betsey, never change. Denzel thinks he has this one in the bag because, you know, muscles, but Betsey is all about Keith and his hot, hot tattoos. Raelia and Shei are also chosen. Lenox is like, “D’oh.”
9. Control Sector does menswear, but they want to cast one male and one female to model their designs. They want strong and masculine, so Denzel thinks he’s got this one in the bag, but the guys from Control Sector think he’s – wait for it – too muscular. The gigs go to Will and Shei.
10. Altef Maaneshia originally wants to book two women, but he ends up loving all four of the contestants. Mirjana, Shei, Raelia and Lenox all get booked.
11. At Civil Society, both Adam and Will get booked immediately. The designer is torn between his last pick – will it be Denzel or Keith? He thinks they’re both good, but ultimately, his clothes fit Denzel a little too snugly. Because, you know, muscles? Keith looks better in the clothes, so he gets the booking.
12. If you’re keeping track, and I know you are, that means everyone got booked for at least one show except Denzel and his huge, stupid muscles. Weird how that worked out, huh?
13. At the runway shows, everyone does pretty well. Raelia forgets to walk half the runway at one point, which makes Miss J. lose her damn mind. Alexis Borges of Next Model Management thinks Will is greatly improved. He loves Shei, but he thinks Lenox is forgettable. Shei wins the challenge and she gets a ton of free clothes. No one is jealous at all, nope not one bit.
14. Betsey Johnson does a cartwheel while Keith plays with his, uh, fire hose. Because yes.
15. The next morning, it’s photo shoot time. Yu Tsai welcomes Mitch Stone, celebrity hair stylist. The contestants will be shooting the ad campaign for his styling products, which will involve a male model holding up a female model – and of course showing off their beautiful hair. The pairings are Denzel and Shei; Keith and Denzel; Adam and Lenox; Will and Raelia.
16. Hey, guess what? Mirjana is mad about stuff because of course she is. During her shoot with Keith, she starts yelling at him and generally acts totally unprofessional. Will chimes in with some equally unprofessional (but not incorrect) comments about how Keith doesn’t need to put up with Mirjana’s sh*t. Everyone is yelling and it’s not cute.
17. Honestly, everyone has trouble with this shoot. Will really nails the look, but he has trouble with Raelia’s energy. Mirjana and Keith are a hot mess for most of it. The photographer wants to kill her, I think. When asked about their “beef” at panel, Mirjana says they didn’t have any beef, they were just “conversating.” Tyra Banks, creator of the booch and tooch, the boom-boom-boom and the smize, wants us all to know that “conversating” is not a real word. Thank you, Tyra.
18. Despite everyone’s troubles, most of the models get a good critique. Will gets a 10 from both Tyra and Miss J. Only Lenox really gets slammed, even though I don’t think her photo is that bad. I guess it’s because she’s been so good for the past three weeks. Also because she refused to twerk.
19. Will obviously gets best photo. In the bottom two are Lenox and Denzel. As I’ve already mentioned: HAHA DENZEL GOES HOME. Bye bye, Beard Weave the Homophobe. As he leaves, he interviews that he will not lose any weight, so it’s great that he’s taken this as a learning experience. Side note: how great is it that he goes home the week Will gets top photo? So great.
20. Weird soul food party alert! It’s random and also making me hungry. Tyra mentions how much she loves soul food. Then she makes everyone yell, “I love soul food!” and it’s even more random. What are we to make of this weird, random event? Oh, wait. Thankfully, Tyra is here to connect the dots for us because…they’re going to get some soul food…in Seoul, South Korea. GET IT? SOUL FOOD IN SEOUL!? OMG STOP IT.
21. But hey, let’s bring some more models back, shall we? It’s time for that damn social media save! Denzel is brought back out, along with Kari, Ivy, Ben, Matthew and Chantelle. They cut before we find out who else will enjoy some
soul Seoul food, but it’s between Ben and Chantelle. WHO WILL IT BE? (Not Denzel)