ANTM Recap: The Comeback

Source: The CW
Source: The CW

How many times will we have to hear someone yell, “SEOUL KOR-EE-AHH!” this week? Quite a few, I think. Because America’s Next Top Model is chowing down on some soul food in honor of their trip…to SEOUL KOR-EE-AHH! See, because- oh, nevermind. But before they head out of town, Tyra has to bring one contestant back…who will it be? When we left off last week, it was between Ben (whom I will never forgive for his “Top top top, top model” song) and Chantelle (whom I hold no particular feelings for, one way or another). Mostly, I’m still happy that Denzel went home, you know?

1. With Ben and Chantelle still standing, only one will return to the competition. Who has the highest social media score? OMG it’s killing me, OMG you guys, who will it be, who– Oh, whatever, it’s Chantelle. Bye, Ben! Looks like you’re not going to SEOUL KOR-EE-AHH! Wait – someone else isn’t going to SEOUL KOR-EE-AHH!, either. Tyra only has seven tickets, which means that one more person has to go home before they leave.

2. For…SEOUL KOR-EE-AHH!

3. Even though the other models view Chantelle as a fierce competitor, most of them also remember how stank she was when she was eliminated. She left without saying goodbye to any of them – or even looking at them.

4. The only person happier than me about Denzel being gone: Will.

Source: The CW
Source: The CW

5. Chantelle is glad to be back, except that she isn’t? I think she’s glad to have a second chance, but she’s not into being back in the house of drama, with the isolation and all the rest of the garbage that comes with being on a reality TV show. But you know, don’t complain about it the minute you get back. Also, you signed up to be on a reality TV show. Ugh. Shut up, Chantelle. Everyone wants you to shut up.

6. Someone else without any friends: Mirjana. Now that Denzel is gone, she’s left without anyone else to be close to…and no one really likes her all that much. It’s kind of funny, watching her follow everyone around the house, trying to make nicey-nice.

7. Then Adam does a flip and nearly cracks his head open. Why? I have no idea. But it happens. There ya go.

8. Challenge time! The contestants meet up with Yu Tsai and The Cobra Snake (eyeroll forever) who is “the most famous party photographer in the entire universe!” (double eyeroll forever). Their challenge is to 1) walk through an abandoned slaughterhouse alone, 2) get attacked by people dressed up like zombies and monsters, 3) give The Cobra Snake fierce party poses. Sure, that makes sense. Totally normal!

Source: The CW
Source: The CW

9. Chantelle, Raelia and Lenox all seem to be pretty scared. Chantelle is afraid of the dark, which seems unfortunate. She does alright, though, and gets some great shots. Raelia spends half the photo shoot facing the wrong way because she can’t see anything. Adam spends his time trying to freak out the monsters with his own scary faces.  Will is like, “I ain’t skurred” and coasts through the whole thing. Shei goes extra crazy in her party mode, flipping her hair all over the place.

10. Quote of the week, from Keith: “Mirjana is a beautiful young girl, but when she opens her mouth, she’s like Flava Flav.”

11. The Cobra Snake loves the way Shei let loose, but he gives the win to Chantelle. Everybody turns their Chantelle Hate Notch up a few ticks.

12. Raelia gets a 6 on the challenge and subsequently freaks the eff out. I think the pressure of this competition is getting to her. She explains that winning is really a financial goal for her – her parents are both unemployed and they need the money. She wants to be a model and she needs this prize. Losing is not an option for her.  Pro tip to Raelia for staying in the competition: face the camera during the photo shoots.

Source: The CW
Source: The CW

13. Will gets his Tyra Treat and it’s a call from his parents…no wait, it’s his actual parents! They show up in person and there’s tears and hugs and it’s all very sweet. Will says that his father has a hard time with Will’s sexuality, but that he’s trying to understand. Will’s father seems baffled that he wore high heels, but pleased that Will is about seven feet tall while wearing them. Oh, dads.

14. Yu Tsai and Miss J. show up for a Very Special Message about HIV and AIDS. Miss J. says that she’s lost four roommates, thirty friends, and his sister to HIV/AIDS. Jesus. That is a whole lot of loss. The theme of this week’s photo shoot is “no glove, no love” and the models will be posing with themselves (digitally, of course) because “loving yourself is protecting yourself,” says Tyra. I mean, she’s talking about masturbation, right? The contestants will be wearing couture gloves, which are actually pretty stunning.

15. Chantelle is still acting like she doesn’t want to be back in the competition. Lenox makes a big deal out of it because Lenox, bless her, is twelve years old. There’s a pointless confrontation and it’s such a non-issue that I’m going to walk away from this in the middle of a sen

16. See what I did there?

Source: The CW
Source: The CW

17. Mirjana doesn’t really give it her all during the photo shoot. She’s feeling off balance because of Denzel, I guess. Tyra does not seem impressed. You know who she is impressed by? Adam. Tyra really, really wants to bang Adam, you guys. Yu Tsai also wants to bang Adam. Everyone is mad at Keith, who doesn’t do well (again) because now they want to bang him a little less maybe. It’s all very upsetting, I think? It’s hard to tell.

18. At panel, Tyra reminds everyone how important this week’s scores are, because only seven will make it to SEOUL KOR-EE-AHH!

19. Tyra thinks Chantelle’s photo is great, but she calls her out for acting cold and aloof. In person, she projects a very false, unattached attitude. Everyone behind her is like, “YEP YEP,” but Chantelle gets straight nines for her picture.

20. Mirjana gets a bad score, although Tyra thinks she still has potential. Half of Keith’s photo is good, half is crap. I guess that’s what happens when you pose with yourself. Raelia also does poorly. PR Maven/Human Troll Kelly Cutrone gives Shei’s photo a 6 and Tyra gives her a 10 to make up for it. She flat out says this. These judges straight up hate each other, I think.

Source: The CW
Source: The CW

21. Top photo of the week goes to Chantelle. Turn that hate notch up a little bit higher, you guys! In the bottom two are Raelia and Mirjana, but we all know that Mirjana is useless without Denzel, so she goes home. She will not be making the trip to…SEOUL KOR-EE-AHH!

Next week: Adam gets drunk and Tyra smells booze on his breath at panel. Whee! SEOUL KOR-EE-AHH!

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