Previously on Vanderpump Rules…deep breath…Jax cheated on Stassi with a hooker in Las Vegas, so Stassi broke up with Jax. Stassi started dating someone else, but then they broke up. Meanwhile, Kristen and Tom have been dating for like, five years, but then Tom cheated on Kristen with Ariana. No he didn’t. Yes he did. No he didn’t. Yes he did. No, really, he did, though. Kristen didn’t want to break up, because Kristen is pathetisad. But then everyone found out that Kristen slept with Jax. Kristen was like, no we didn’t – but Jax was like, no for reals, that totally happened. Everyone hates Kristen now. Meanwhile, Scheana was Stassi’s friend, then she wasn’t. She’s still Ariana’s bestie, though, if that matters (it doesn’t) and then Scheana got engaged. She also has a fake singing career. Ariana started working at SUR and Stassi quit. She packed up her sh*t and moved to New York with her new boyfriend. Lisa got super butthurt over it because she wanted to be more relevant in the life of twenty-year-olds. Tom punched Jax in the face. Kristen started dating a bus boy half her age. Katie remained totally and utterly boring. Phew.
Everyone has moved on, except not
Life is very different at SUR after all the events of last season. For starters, Jax has learned his lesson. No wait, that’s probably not true. But he wants to, or something. He thought everything would be over with “the group” but it’s not because I guess they have “television contracts” or something. Tom Sandoval reflects on Kristen’s betrayal while shaving his forehead. Kristen reflects on how Tom kicked her ass out while showing off said ass in a thong. She’s still dating 22-year-old bus boy James, who is a British DJ. Oh my God, if you took a handful of d-bag confetti and threw it in the air, you’d have James all over you. Twenty-two year old British DJ living in Los Angeles who’s dating a sad cocktail waitress and buses tables for a living while he “waits for his music career to take off.” Wow. That’s a lot. But Kristen seems to be happy. Also happy? Ariana and Tom, who naturally are together now. Big fat duh. Scheana Marie got a hideous tattoo across her arm that reads, “It’s all happening,” from Almost Famous because like, it’s all happening for Scheana Marie. It’s all happening, you guys – including her birthday party, which is sure to be a total sh*tshow of drama.
Kristen is apparently buddies with Scheana now – which, obviously, makes total sense, as Scheana is Ariana’s best friend. No weird conflict there, nope! Kristen is bursting at the seams to tell Scheana her latest scoop. Wait for it – I’ll bet you’ll never guess what it is. Wait, did you guess that one of the men cheated on one of the women? Damn, you’re good. Kristen found out “via social media” that Tom cheated on Ariana while he was in Miami. Some girl posted things on Instagram that were “too specific” to be made up. Oh, okay. Kristen is, unsurprisingly, stalking Tom on social media like a damn pro. Because she’s so happy now, you guys! With James!
Get pumped for the return of Stassi
Lisa Vanderpump is opening a new restaurant named Pump. Get it? Pump? Okay. Katie’s boyfriend Tom is “a model” but also needs things like “an income,” so now he’s also working at SUR as a bartender. Katie thanks Lisa for giving Tom a chance and then drops the bomb that Stassi Schroeder is moving back from New York. Her boyfriend’s job or something? I don’t know. Lisa is still pretty butthurt over “the way Stassi left,” which I think entailed giving her notice and then moving away, which is so wrong, you know? How dare she. Stassi thinks about SUR and wants to vomit. Well, that makes sense.
Meanwhile: Pump is opening. No one cares, Lisa, unless we get a Vanderpump Rules gay spin-off. Then I am all over that sh*t. Dear Andy Cohen, let’s make this happen, ‘kay?
Here’s a gross story. Thanks, Kristen
Kristen and her man-child go on a double date with Scheana and her fiance and it’s finally time to get the whole scoop on Tom’s alleged cheating. Kristen “reached out” to this girl on Instagram or something, which sounds so sad, I cannot even. She and James gleefully tell the whole story: Tom and Miami Girl had sex. The girl was on her period, so then Tom 1) made her go to the bathroom and prove it (WHAT?!) and then 2) slept with her anyway. Well, Kristen was right about one thing: that story sure is specific. What the eff. Scheana doesn’t know what to think, because 1) this story is psycho and, 2) Kristen is also psycho. Unfortunately, Ariana is her BFF and she’s obligated to tell her. Is this story real? Will it cause trouble between Ariana and Tom? Will Scheana cry off her false eyelashes worrying about it?
Catching up with Jax and Stassi
Jax has a deviated septum. He’s getting it fixed and adding on a bonus nose job. He likes to double-up when he can, like how he’s currently dating two women at the same time. One is Carmen, the other is Tiffany. In Jax’s defense, they both know about each other, but on the other hand, Jax is a sociopath. This would be interesting to explore, but then we have to watch Lisa yell at Stassi for moving away. This scene is stupid and I want it to end. Go away, scene.
Stassi has a blog, by the way. Lisa astutely notes that she has a hobby, not a job. I would take offense to that, but I do have an actual job, so yeah. Lisa is right, Stassi. How long do you think it will take before she’s working at SUR again? One episode? Two?
It’s Scheana’s birthday party and the gang’s all here – except for some of them. Stassi, Katie and other insignificant waitresses have decided to do a girls’ night instead. That’s literally the most mature thing that’s ever happened on this show. Scheana confronts Ariana and Tom about Miami Girl. Ariana doesn’t believe any of it. Tom swears that nothing happened and none of it is true. But hey, you know what? I saw this show before. On this show, after swearing up and down that he never hooked up with Ariana, it turned out that Tom was a big fat liar. Oh wait, the show was called Vanderpump Rules and this whole thing happened last season. Sigh.
Then there’s this whole Instagram war, where the people at Scheana’s party and the girls out with Stassi keep posting pictures on Instagram and it turns into a competition or something and is this what people do nowadays because I sort of want to stab myself in the face just watching this.
Reasons Tom Sandoval hates James
- He let Tom hold him when his girlfriend broke up with him, but then he started dating Kristen.
- He’s a bloody ass piece of sh*t.
- He annoys the sh*t out of people.
- He walks around like he’s a muppet.
- He spits in people’s faces.
- He cannot handle his alcohol.
- He used to let Tom pay for all his drinks, but he was actually hoarding his money to buy a Beemer.
- He takes Beemer selfies.
Tom makes an attempt to talk to Kristen, but James intervenes. Tom’s like, “Why don’t you go take a Beemer selfie?” and James is like, “Oh? Why don’t you go and take a Honda Civic selfie?” HEY, THOSE HAVE EXCELLENT GAS MILEAGE, YOU LITTLE PUNK. Then he calls Tom a 31-year-old, which is too far, so Tom shoves him in the face. To be continued…