In the season three premiere of Vanderpump Rules, we were told that everything had changed – but it turns out that it’s just more of the same old, same old with the gang from SUR. Stassi returned from New York to remind her ex-collegues and friends how much better she is than them, Kristen acted like a psycho, Jax two-timed on his girlfriend, Tom Sandoval got accused of cheating and Scheana cried like, three times. Seriously, now what exactly has changed? This week, Lisa Vanderpump is pumped about the opening of PUMP (haha pump) and everyone else is recovering from Scheana’s birthday brawl.
At least Jax protected his crisp white shirt
We pick up right where we left off, at Scheana’s birthday party. Tom Sandoval just told Kristen’s boyfriend James to “go take a Beemer selfie,” to which James cleverly replied:
OH NO HE DIDN’T. He did, though! Tom defended his car’s honor by shoving James right in the face. And so it goes: this quickly escalates into a huge fight, complete with glass shattering, chairs being knocked over and lots of punching. Tom gets his ass kicked. Seriously, it’s kind of funny. I guess that’s what happens when you get wasted and try to fight someone ten years younger than you. James is annoying as sh*t, but he’s a spry chap. I said chap because he’s British.
Meanwhile, Scheana somehow manages to slice her foot open on a shard of glass and – shocker – starts to cry over it. “Can someone tell me what the f*ck happened? Why is my foot cut open right now?” she screams. You stepped on glass, Scheana, did you not notice the glass in your foot? Then Tom Schwartz gets in the middle of the fight and Kristen starts screaming at him and throwing punches. “I’m trying to break it up!” he protests and I think he actually is, but it’s too crazy to know for sure. Who knows anything anymore? This show makes my brain fall out. Jax is the only one who stays out of it, demonstrating some self-restraint for the first time probably ever. Finally, Scheana’s had enough and yells for everyone to leave. She sums up the evening quite nicely: “This is ridic.”
It’s time to PUMP it up
Hey, did you know that Lisa is opening a new bar/lounge in West Hollywood called PUMP? You didn’t? Me either, I mean, you think they would’ve mentioned it on this show or something. Haha, just kidding, I was being funny. Lisa is talking about PUMP again, this time performing fake interviews for her staff. Lisa’s scenes on this show are more scripted than anything I’ve ever seen, including actual physical screenplays. She wants experienced staffers, but she’s hoping that they won’t be as much “trouble” as the staff at SUR. I suppose “trouble” in this case stands for “massive promotion for my business and a second TV show about my life.” Hmm. She pretends to choose her staff and then dresses them up in pink shirts, which only come in a child’s small.
Tom Sandoval needs to teach me how to apply concealer
The morning after Scheana’s party, Tom wakes up with a busted face and a heart full of regret. Ariana wakes up with an extreme side-part and false eyelashes. She feels bad for Tom, because he looks pretty rough, but she questions him on one detail from Kristen’s “Miami hookup” story – the girl in question said that Tom told her he and Ariana had broken up. “That’s so weird,” says Tom, the worst liar ever. Whether he’s telling the truth or not, he’s right about one thing: everything Kristen’s doing is coming from an angry, vindictive place. He’s probably not telling the truth, though, seriously. Ariana recognizes Tom’s past, but she trusts him. In a relationship, you’re not going to be around that person 25/8 – she actually says, “twenty-five/eight,” and is that a thing people say now? We’ve had to actually increase the time span of a phrase that literally means ALL OF THE TIME? Ugh. Tom cleans up his face quite nicely (it’s not unlike watching the contestants on RuPaul’s Drag Race get ready for a show) and I want him to teach me how to apply makeup. His bruises are basically gone as he heads off to work. I am impressed.
Jax demonstrates why impulse control is an important thing
Tom Schwartz and Jax are doing much better. They’re headed to the tattoo parlor so that Jax can cover up Stassi’s name, which Jax stupidly got tattooed on his arm last season. Okay, I admit that I was completely convinced the tattoo was fake, and it looks like I was wrong. The Stassi tattoo is real and it’s soon going to be covered up by an ugly-ass black rose. We also learn that Jax got an even bigger, stupider tattoo of Carmen’s name on his other arm. Oh my God, it’s huge. Carmen is the girl that Jax is dating who isn’t Tiffany, for those who are still trying to keep up. Jax is extremely proud of himself, because he’s been honest with both Tiffany and Carmen – they know about each other. See, two-timing is okay if you tell them!
Just another day for Lisa
At SUR, Tom arrives at work and shows off his stellar makeover to Jax, who is sufficiently impressed. It’s a pretty awkward day, though, because James is also working. That’s the funny thing about punching dudes who you work with – you have to see them at work again the next day. Lisa, naturally, has already heard about the whole thing because
the producers told her she knows people in the restaurant industry. She’s pissed, for some reason, only at Schwartz, who is about to start working at PUMP. Last year, Schwartz was hired at SUR and then…got into a fight at Scheana’s birthday party. Lisa revoked her job offer and now she’s considering doing the same thing. Katie freaks out on her because Tom needs money to live and also get married to Katie. Ah, he’s pulling the “we can’t get engaged until I have my life together” excuse. Pro tip: if your boyfriend says that to you and he’s an out-of-work model and aspiring bartender, you’re probably never going to get engaged. Lisa shoos Katie away like the annoying fly she is.
Schwartz knows he’s on Lisa’s sh*t list and asks Stassi for advice. Stassi is just happy to learn that her name is no longer on Jax’s body. She tells Tom to own up to his mistakes and apologize to Lisa. Speaking of apologies, it appears that everything is just fine between Tom Sandoval and Scheana. Scheana says that he’s earned her forgiveness by sending a “four minute long apologetic video where [he] looks like a super p*ssy,” and damn. She is not wrong. This video is…wow.
Jax only has one girlfriend again
Jax and Tom Sandoval are hanging out, talking about Jax’s girl problems. Even though he’s done everything right and told Carmen about his other girlfriend Tiffany, she’s upset that Tiffany will be in town that weekend. Jax just doesn’t get it! He’s like, “But I told her I had another girlfriend!” because that should make a 23-year-old whose name you have tattooed on your body understand. Sheesh. Women, you know? Jax likes Carmen a lot, but he admits to Tom that he likes Tiffany better – it’s just that Tiffany lives in Las Vegas and he doesn’t get to see her as much. Carmen is essentially his local piece of ass. Lovely.
Tiffany, it turns out, is an actual grownup. Jax admits that she and her friends intimidate him. He says it’s because they’re wealthy, but I think it’s probably also because they’re people in their thirties who have steady jobs and financial success – and he’s a 35-year-old manchild bartender/reality TV star on a second-tier Bravo show. He tells Tiffany that he’s breaking things off with Carmen, because he’s more serious about her. Fast-forward to the scene where Jax dumps Carmen over a pepperoni pizza. She’s pretty confused, considering he recently told her he “wants her to have his babies.” Also, the aforementioned huge tattoo seemed to indicate commitment. But I guess she isn’t familiar with Jax? Or this show? Or anything? Apparently, she’s headed to law school in the fall, so I hope she gets better at reading context clues. She does let him have it, though – giving him a lecture that’s almost word-for-word what Stassi told him when they broke up two years ago. Grow up, get your sh*t together, stop acting like a frat boy and be a man. Who else thinks that Jax is actually just Tiffany’s part-time piece of ass when she’s in LA?
Tom Schwartz gets his job, but everybody else gets fired
Tom meets up with Lisa to plead for his job. He explains truthfully what happened – and Lisa does actually seem to know that James instigated the entire thing – but she’s still pretty pissed off. Tom gets to keep his job at PUMP, but she’s calling everyone from SUR in for a big talk. She calls them all to PUMP and puts on a huge dog and pony show about how she refuses to tolerate this kind of behavior from her
cast staff. Don’t they know that they could ruin her reputation?! Okay, Lisa, you’re laying it on a little thick – you’re on a f*cking TV show, for God’s sake. But fine, I’ll play along. She’s so mad! They embarrass her! Grr! James and Tom were bad, bad boys! Kristen is a detriment! She also, apparently, sneaks drinks from the bar every time she’s on shift. Of course she does. In the end, both Tom Sandoval and Kristen are put on suspension and James gets fired. Or, I guess I should say, James is sacked. I said sacked because he’s British.