Last week on Vanderpump Rules, I was in California (but not West Hollywood) and thus, took a week off from blogging. Also, I started reading The Andy Cohen Diaries and couldn’t put it down, so that sort of horned in on my writing time as well. It’s Andy Cohen’s fault! Isn’t everything? Anyway, I didn’t miss much, even for this show. Lisa Vanderpump finally had the PUMP opening, which went well. After being fired, Kristen’s pubescent boyfriend James wrote an eloquent letter to Lisa, begging for his job back. This seemed to charm Lisa, who is a sucker. Stassi confronted Scheana about some “mean tweets” (shout out to Kelly Bensimon) but Scheana was like, “I only retweet mean things about you, gawd.” Meanwhile, Kristen used her time out of work to “find closure” with Tom Sandoval, who apparently still has her name on the cable bill or something. Mostly, she just went to his apartment and cried a lot and it was really awkward.
Nothing like pre-gaming for an eyebrow threading session
I think the thing I like best about Vanderpump Rules is how f*cking ridiculous it is. I mean, I cannot make this sh*t up. I am watching a scene of three grown men in their late twenties/early thirties, pounding beers on the side of the road before getting their eyebrows threaded at a high-end West Hollywood boutique. This is actually happening, right there on my television. I cannot deal with this reality, which is probably why I watch it in the first place. No matter how sad my life ever becomes, I will never, ever, ever be Jax Taylor. And that is worth reminding myself once a week. Jax is pretty excited because he’s getting his nose job the following day. Oh, excuse me. He’s getting his deviated septum repaired. That’s what I meant. He and the Toms drink to his old nose, because why not?
“Even Jax can do that job.”
That night (I think? Time is weird on this show) Lisa is at PUMP and celebrating a full house. She’s dismayed to learn, though, that Tom Schwartz has walked out on his shift. He apparently had a panic attack and bolted, essentially losing his job in the process. Um…what? Lisa’s reaction is way calmer than mine, which is ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME? This is the guy who begged her for a job for years and then almost lost it and had to beg for it again – not to mention, his girlfriend Katie has been grovelling at Lisa’s feet over it. And then he…panics? Walks out? I’m thinking, maybe Tom has some serious anxiety condition that I’m not aware of and it caused him to seize up. That must be it, because people don’t just freak out and leave a job like that, right? No wait, they do. Back at Tom and Katie’s apartment, Katie confronts Tom about the incident. It turns out that that’s exactly what Tom did. He couldn’t deal with the rush of people at the bar. It was too high-stress and he didn’t remember how to ring up an order. He only had one training session! “How many bartenders were on duty?” Katie asks, seemingly thinking he was on his own to man the gates. “Three,” says Tom, the complete assh*le. Katie’s reaction is like, “Oh my God, my boyfriend is a complete moron.” Yes, Katie. Yes he is.
Tom thought that his job at PUMP was going to be like one of his cushy catering gigs, where he makes a drink here and there, but mostly flirts and schmoozes. NOPE. This whole real job thing really surprised him. Katie actually cracks me up, giving him a few great one-liners. “Tom, even Jax can do that job,” and “Tom, you went to college.” Heh. Unfortunately, she still wants to marry this total waste of human space, who apparently hasn’t had a steady job in seven or eight years. Ummmm….wow. So, he’s done essentially nothing…ever? Awesome catch, Katie.
The realest scene in Vanderpump Rules history
Have you ever been with a friend after they’ve had cosmetic surgery? It’s honestly the most hilarious thing ever. They’re totally out of it and whiny and nothing they say makes sense. They act like a little baby, but like a baby who is really, really drunk. They slur and stumble and then burst into tears over nothing. They beg for drugs. They yell at you, all surly, and then tell you how much they love you in the same breath. They maybe cry some more. You feel bad, because they’re in pain, but man, it’s really amusing. Watching Jax get his nose job – and the aftermath of the surgery – is one hundred percent accurate. He is a mess and it’s hysterical, begging for Vicodin and whimpering around his apartment like a lost child. Then, for some reason, Lisa and Peter from SUR show up at Jax’s apartment. It’s pretty weird, actually, but worth it for the look of terror on Jax’s face. In between his drugged-up haze of pain, he’s worried that Lisa will see all the stolen SUR merchandise around his apartment. Scheana and Tom Sandoval show up and bring donuts. I don’t even know what this show is about anymore.
Lisa drops the p-word and Tom is so pathetic that he makes James look good
Lisa is just having a casual dinner with Lance Bass, as you do, when James shows up at SUR again to beg for his job. This annoys Lisa, because she’s with Lance Bass, but she also knows that they need extra busboys. And lo, James has his job back. Just like that, you ask? Yes, just like that. Lisa really is a sucker. Plus, James needs the job to pay his BMW car payment, which keeps him rolling in Beemer selfies.
This whole scene is in great contract to Lisa’s meeting with Tom Schwartz. He gives her back his PUMP t-shirts and is like, “Sorry I didn’t wash them. Should I have washed them?” I’m sorry, what? HE GAVE HER BACK DIRTY WORK UNIFORMS? Lisa should have spit on him. What a disaster garbage excuse for a person. “I feel so bad I walked out on my shift, but here’s my sweaty-ass pink shirt!” Go fall in a ditch, Tom Schwartz, you are THE WORST. Lisa tells him he’s acting like a p*ssy and honestly, that’s too nice.
The most unfriendly party ever
Throughout the entire episode, we’ve been hearing about this OK Magazine party with the open bar. I keep waiting anxiously for another big brawl, but it never happens. Dear Vanderpump Rules: you are responsible for building up my expectations in this way and now you’ve gravely disappointed me. Not one punch, not one black eye. Sigh. But I guess the party is still somewhat interesting. Not really. Scheana, a champion instigator if there ever was one, invites James and Kristen to join her, Ariana and Tom Sandoval at their booth. Because that’s not awkward at all, nope, no sir. (No SUR?)
Over at Stassi’s table, she, Katie, Tom Schwartz The Garbage Human, Peter and that hostess whose name I can never remember are all hanging out. They’re “keeping it classy” by talking about everyone at the other table. In a scene that was in no way staged, Stassi loses a bet and has to go over to Scheana’s table and socialize. It’s awkward, but again, no punches thrown. Disappointment. Later, Scheana and Kristen march over to Stassi’s table with some vodka, looking to stir up sh*t. But alas, no sh*t is stirred. Ariana looks so over this entire thing and so am I. This is actually pretty boring, you guys. I find myself wishing Jax was at the party. Things are dire. Stassi is mad at Scheana for being friends with Kristen, which seems to drive Stassi insane in a way that’s beyond unhealthy. None of these people are normal, Stassi. Don’t try to make logic.
Next week: someone gets a puppy and Kristen tells Katie, “Motorboating his d*ck is not a photo shoot,” so I guess I’ll keep watching.