I think it’s pretty obvious at this point: Cycle 21 of America’s Next Top Model will have a male winner. We’re down to the final five contestants and this past week’s episode (spoiler alert) leaves us with only one woman standing. I never really thought Shei had a chance of winning, but now I’m starting to doubt Lenox as well. She seemed like a front runner for a long time, but she’s slipping. Meanwhile, this show is getting weirder and more random by the moment. After taking a break off for Thanksgiving, I went back to re-watch the episode and thought to myself, “Oh right, they did that photo shoot.” I had apparently already repressed the memory of Elvis and Marilyn Monroe impersonations. But alas, here we are, in SEOUL KOR-EE-AHH, dressed up like 1960s legends. Why? Well…why anything with this show?
1. After panel, Adam reflects how he’s hashtag blessed to be in the top five, but he knows he needs to give up the drinking if he wants to stay in the competition. The rest of the group celebrates the exit of Chantelle, whom they refer to as “the crust,” which I don’t think is very nice. At least they don’t say Panda.
2. Miss J. drops by the house to introduce their next challenge. It’s…oh no. It’s acting. Miss J. talks about how great Korean soap operas are and how much he loves them, neither of which is true. I am not terribly impressed with the clip from “Emergency Couple” they show us. Not that I speak or understand Korean, but I’m still going to judge. Of course, the models will be acting in a scene for this show and of course, some of the script is in Korean.
3. Will immediately starts complaining about how he has to act like a guy who likes a girl. Yes, Will. Act like…’cause it’s acting? Sigh.
4. Adam has gone off the deep end, I think. Maybe this whole no drinking decision has caused him to finally crack. He’s so overly confident in his memorization skills that he sets fire to his script, which…um. That seems a little rash. Ten bucks says he bombs.
5. This entire challenge is excruciating to watch. I mean, it’s just terrible. I wish I’d never seen it, to be honest. I will never get those moments of my life back. Will does a terrible job, because ew, girls. He also completely butchers the Korean, but he’s not alone on that one – literally all of the contestants just get up there and speak gibberish. Lenox is especially painful. Keith gets up there, does horribly, but everyone likes him because he’s so good looking. The Korean actress on set – Clara of “Emergency Couple” – thinks he’s super hot and giggles a lot. It’s kind of cute, actually. That’s the only good part of this entire segment.
6. Hey, guess what? Adam forgets all his lines. I did NOT see that coming, did YOU? WOW.
7. The winner of this challenge gets $1,000 of sunglasses. Guess who wins? KEITH. Surprises are coming from every direction! All of the other contestants are baffled, because Keith kind of sucked, but everyone kind of sucked, so whatever.
8. Tyra Mail says, “Thank you, thank you very much.” Um. Elvis?
9. Shei is talking an awful lot about how much this competition means to her. She had a very hard childhood and her mom raised her alone, without any money. Shei hasn’t seen her father in years. We are probably learning all of this now because Shei is going home at the end of the episode. It’s just not a good sign to get the “grew up poor/doing it for my mom” edit now.
10. The next day, the models meet up with Yu Tsai and Tyra for their photo shoot. Oh God, Tyra is dressed like a hybrid of Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe. It’s…weird. She sort of looks like Olivia Newton John at the end of Grease, but with John Travolta’s hair. She tells everyone how important American pop culture is to Koreans or something and no one is more important than Elvis and Marilyn. I’m pretty sure that’s not true, but okay. Maybe I’m wrong. The girls will model as Marilyn and the boys will be Elvis.
11. Cue requisite “I don’t know how to be sexy” whining from Lenox.
12. These wigs are not okay. This is a wig-trocity. If this was RuPaul’s Drag Race, Michelle Visage would be reading every single one of these b*tches.
13. Will’s dancing background should give him an advantage on this shoot, since he’s supposed to be doing the whole Elvis hip-swinging thing, but it’s just not happening. Tyra has to actually get up and show him how to move. Not a good sign.
14. Keith is also talking a lot about growing up poor. Maybe he will go home and not Shei? Hmm. He has the most challenging photo to imitate – Elvis jumping up on his toes. They have to catch him up on his toes, before he falls down, and he has to look good doing it. Yu Tsai is predictably loud and rude to him about it, but I honestly think it’s a little unfair. How the hell is he supposed to do that, when Adam just has to like, stand with a guitar? Lame.
15. Did Shei just say that she’s a go-go dancer? How did I not know that?
16. Some words used to describe Shei’s photo shoot: hooker, hoochie, drag queen. So that’s probably bad.
17. Lenox’s wig is busted and I cannot deal with it. It’s like, half falling off her head and you can see her brown hair underneath? The wind is making it blow from side to side. She’s right: this is the least sexy photo shoot I’ve ever seen.
18. Hey did you know that Adam was drunk at panel? NO I DID NOT KNOW THAT, WHY DON’T WE TALK ABOUT IT SOME MORE.
19. I don’t even know what’s going to happen at panel. None of these photos are good. This whole shoot is Halloween gone wrong.
20. It doesn’t matter what happens at panel – Miss J. and Kelly disagree on every contestant and Tyra’s scores are consistently sevens and eights. This is going to come down to social media, because the judges’ votes basically don’t even matter at this point.
21. Bottom two: Shei and Lenox. It should be Lenox who goes home, because her photo is hella bad, but Shei gets the boot. Tyra is like, “Don’t dye your hair back!” and I’m like, “No, fix your stupid hair or you’ll never get a job again!” Ugh.
Next week: part one of the finale!