Previously on Vanderpump Rules, Jax got a new nose and everyone made fun of him for it. Or maybe that was just me. Tom Schwartz had a “panic attack” on his shift at PUMP and walked out and I got really mad about it and called him a piece of human garbage. Which he is. James got fired, but then he got un-fired, while Stassi came back in town without a job at all. Oh, and now everyone is annoyed with Katie for some reason, I think? It’s hard to keep track.
A puppy will buy Tom a year
You know how during the first two seasons of Vanderpump Rules, we barely saw Tom Schwartz? He just showed up every once in a while to join a fight or a party? Well, it was much nicer that way, because now we have to deal with this ridiculous man-child who makes Jax look like he’s got his sh*t together. Tom wants to buy a puppy. He and Katie have been talking about getting a puppy together “for about a year or so” but Tom’s “never been able to pull the trigger.” What’s that sound? Oh, that’s the blaring warning bells of a man who will never commit. God, more than a year thinking about getting a puppy with a girl he’s been dating for like, five years? Look, I get not being ready to get married. I don’t think you should make that jump until you’re absolutely sure, because God knows I’ve seen men get pressured into it and that never works out well for anyone. But I mean…it’s only a dog?
Katie is “talking about babies,” which Tom says the same way he might say, “talking about Ebola” and he figures that a puppy will buy him about a year’s worth of time before he has to propose. Oh, Tom, you don’t know women at all. Even Tom Sandoval is like, “Dude, that’s the wrong reason to get a dog.” Ariana stays oddly silent during this entire scene. Anyway, Schwartz adopts a puppy. His name is Gordo and he’s much cuter than anything this piece of human garbage deserves. Later, Tom brings the dog home for Katie. Unsurprisingly, Katie loves little Gordo, because he is really freaking cute. She also thinks this is a step in the right direction for her relationship, because she and Tom “are parents now.” Oh Tom, you walked right into that one, didn’t you?
Stassi gets a fake job
Stassi meets up with Lisa Vanderpump at SUR for a drink. Lisa, I must add, is looking good in this little black and gold sequined number. Personal life goal: look like Lisa Vanderpump when I am her age. Or hell, I’ll take looking like her now. But I digress. She and Stassi are there for a drink, or a staged conversation. One of the two. Lisa knows that Stassi has a fashion blog, but it’s not bringing her any income. She decides to offer her a job as a stylist for an upcoming magazine shoot. Stassi is very honored that Lisa
took pity on her thought of her. Lisa hilariously says, in an interview, “Who would be better for the job than Stassi? Well, probably lots of people,” because Lisa is nothing if not honest. Scheana approaches for Lisa’s drink order and gives Stassi major attitude like, “She knows where the bar is.” Stassi takes great pleasure in ordering a drink and making Scheana wait on her. Stassi knows that she’s a waitress, though, right? I mean, it’s not demeaning to wait on someone if you’re a waitress. It’s just your job. Stassi doesn’t even have a job, I’m just saying.
It’s not super shocking when Stassi kind of sucks at styling and complains about it the entire time. Even though she’s appropriately excited to be in Lisa’s closet (OMG, Lisa’s closet!) she doesn’t really seem into showing up on time, keeping track of the clothing or jewelry or dressing Giggy. I can give her a pass on that last one. It would be humiliating to be an unpaid assistant to a dog.
Everyone returns to SUR
Tom Sandoval, James and Kristen all return to SUR after their suspensions, or firing in James’ case. Jax also returns after his time off for the nose job. It’s like a big reunion! Katie approaches Jax and pseudo-apologizes for not texting him to ask about his nose. I guess this is a thing Katie did and it hurt Jax’s precious feelings. I don’t know why Katie would have to text him and she doesn’t either, but she apologizes nonetheless.
Jax really doesn’t seem to like Katie very much. I guess this isn’t too surprising, since she’s still so close with Stassi, but I don’t ever remember them being friends in the first place. Jax also clearly thinks that Tom should break up with Katie – he says that Tom’s been unhappy for a long time and complains about it constantly. Well, that’s nice. Good thing he got a dog, huh? It turns out things are not so great in Tom-and-Katie Land. Are you ready for another cheating rumor, because boy do we have one. But no, it’s not Tom – this time, it’s about Katie. Apparently, both Jax and Scheana saw Katie, um, well doing something to a guy. I’ll let Scheana explain:
Yep, that’s what she said. Now, in case you’re wondering, that means the same thing as it means for breasts…just to a man’s crotch. I didn’t realize that was a thing, but Vanderpump Rules continues to educate me on how completely disgusting people can be. Thanks, Lisa Vanderpump! Anyway, the big deal now is how Katie acts superior to everyone and wants to get married, but she’s going around, motorboating guys’ dicks. As rumors go, it’s pretty good, I have to admit. Jax seems prepped to let the rumor fly and Kristen – who has some experience with this sort of thing – wisely states, “She has two choices: she can come clean now, or she can have the worst summer of her f*cking life.”
We’ve heard this conversation 30 times before
Some of the SUR crew – Scheana and her fiancé Shay, Tom Sandoval and Ariana, Jax and Peter (I don’t think they’re a couple) – all hang out at a rooftop pool for some sunbathing and water gun fights. Naturally, everyone talks about Katie – namely how Katie “doesn’t let” Tom hang out with his friends if she doesn’t want to go. For instance, they were invited to the pool party, but Katie didn’t want to be around Scheana. Thus, Tom was banned from attending. Later, Tom Sandoval and Jax crash Schwartz’s apartment while Katie is at work. They play with water guns for a bit, but then they get down to business: the motorboating scandal.
Jax tells Schwartz – seemingly not for the first time – about how he saw Katie kissing some guy on the neck and then “moving her head in his crotchal region.” He also helpfully acts it out (please see above). In true Vanderpump Rules fashion, we hear the same conversation we’ve heard many times before. Katie said nothing happened. Jax is known to be a liar. Tom believes Katie and doesn’t think she cheated. He doesn’t want to hear this rumor anymore. Rinse, repeat. See also: Jax and the stripper in season one; Tom and Ariana in season two; Jax and Kristen in season two.
Katie was just trying to take her shoes off
Meanwhile at SUR, Katie and Kristen share a smoke break and an awkward silence. Kristen eventually breaks the ice by pointing out how everyone hates her for something literally everyone else has done as well. I’m not really a Kristen supporter, but the girl’s got a point. Not one person on this show is actually faithful. (Side note: why doesn’t anyone go out with Peter? Peter seems alright?)
Kristen goes on that even Katie is a cheater, so she should get off her high horse. Katie adamantly denies cheating with that guy. “He wanted to do a photo shoot!” she says. “Motorboating a guy’s dick is not a photo shoot,” Kristen replies. Well, she’s not wrong. Katie scoffs, saying that’s not what happened. “I was trying to get my shoes!” Oh man. That’s either completely legit, or the lamest story I’ve ever heard. Can’t decide.
Schwartz continues to be the most useless guy ever
Katie, the hostess from SUR whose name I’ve never bothered to learn, and Stassi are all having mimosas. Katie tells them about the “ridiculous” motorboating rumor that Jax and Scheana started – and thankfully, Stassi is as weirded out by the whole thing as me. “Is that something people do? Motorboating crotches?” she asks, genuinely baffled. No one knows, Stassi. No one knows! Stassi thinks Tom needs to grow up (true) and stop hanging out with people like Jax (also true) especially when he’s spreading lies about Katie (potentially true). Cue the text from Schwartz that he, Tom Sandoval and Jax are on their way to join her for lunch. Stassi and the hostess are like, “Peace out,” and leave Katie alone to wait for the boys.
Tom Schwartz looks like such a tool on his bike with his pink man-pris pants, I cannot even cope with it. The meal quickly escalates into a verbal battle between Katie and Jax. You cheated, No I didn’t, I saw you, You’re a liar, Your relationship is a joke, etc. Tom Sandoval tries – in vain – to calm everyone down, but it doesn’t work. Jax is in full-on attack mode and Katie is not having it. Tom Schwartz, though? He’s drinking his Arnold Palmer and staying silent. Because he’s the worst boyfriend on the planet. I don’t care if Katie motorboated 20 dicks – if you’re still with her, don’t let your friends talk to her like that. Luckily, Schwartz has a great attitude about the whole thing – he figures that if it is true, she was probably blackout drunk, so he doesn’t care. Ah, love!