Usually, I give “21 reactions” to each Cycle 21 episode of America’s Next Top Model, but this week we were double-whammied with two hours of Tyra-filled fun, so I’m just going to start making a list and see what happens. It will probably be more than 21, because this two-part finale was more than a little ridiculous. That being said, I don’t want to toot my own horn or anything, but TOOT! I called it last week: the winner of Cycle 21 is a guy. The big question is, which guy?
1. The final four – Adam, Lenox, Will and Keith – are about as different as they come. Like really, what a weird group.
2. Adam says that, in a way, he’s given up the most to be in this competition. Because he left grad school. Later in the episode, Lenox mentions how her mother barely had the money for gas to drive her to the Top Model audition and Keith says how his entire family lives in a one-bedroom home in the projects, so I’m just gonna let that hang there for a moment…yep, okay. Moving on.
3. The “emotions are high” for the final four and they celebrate their place in the competition, but each of them have anxiety as well. Adam, for the zillionth time, mentions that he should probably stop drinking. In this scene, he is drinking, by the way.
4. Tyra shows up at the models’ house to talk about passion. No, just kidding, she shows up to talk about herself. Did you know that she went through a program at Harvard Business School? Well gee, she’s never, ever once mentioned it, not in all these years! You’d think she would’ve?! Tyra is passionate about…oh God. She’s made up another word. Beautytainment.
5. BEAUTYTAINMENT, YOU GUYS.
6. See, because it’s beauty and it’s entertainment?
7. Somehow, this becomes connected to Tyra’s new makeup line, which she’s been not-so-subtly pushing all season. The models will be shooting a commercial for Tyra’s new makeup line and Tyra herself will be the director.
8. There’s also a theme song by some Motown artist I’ve never heard of and trust me, you hear this song about 93 times for the next two hours.
9. To help with the commercials, Tyra brings back all the old contestants. Even Ivy, who no one remembers. I guess after making such a big deal out of who would to go to Seoul, we now see that everyone went to Seoul, huh? The four finalists each have to choose a their team, and a mystery box full of makeup. I was kind of annoyed about bringing everyone back again, but then I realized that it wouldn’t be very easy for three male finalists to promote a makeup line. They actually needed women.
10. Update on who likes Chantelle: no one.
11. I forgot how bad Kari’s makeover is. Oh God, it’s so bad.
12. Did you know that Tyra’s contouring makeup goes on smooth and is so easy to blend? You should ask her about it.
13. After the models get their makeup on, they travel to the Lotte shopping center food court, which sounds super sketchy until you get a good look at it. It was designed by Karim Rashid and it’s actually pretty awesome.
14. In addition to shooting with the eliminated contestants, the finalists will be shooting with Tyra and Allison Harvard, the America’s Next Top Model All-Stars winner. Allison Harvard looks like an anime doll and it freaks me out. It’s a little after midnight and they’ll be shooting through the night.
15. Mirjana lets us all know that she and Denzel are “still cuddling,” and wow, I don’t care.
16. Are these the actual commercials for Tyra’s makeup? They are really weird and silly. Keith struggles a little, because he can’t dance and Tyra has to bring in the girls to help. Adam actually does really well. Unsurprisingly, no one wants Adam to win the competition. Shei brings up something I’ve been waiting for someone to say all season – what kind of role model would Adam be to all the young people watching? Binge drinking helps you win, kids!
17. Will has to go shirtless in his commercial, which if you remember, is not his favorite thing. They use the contouring stick to draw on his abs. His “boom boom boom,” if you will. I don’t know why this helps him, because it seems really humiliating, but it does. Yu Tsai screams, “You finally have abs!” like that’s a compliment? I don’t know. Lenox goes last and does really well. Like, really well. It’s kind of impressive.
18. The contestants – finalists and eliminated – go out to celebrate. Adam gets wasted. Even though all we’ve had lately is this endless “I need to stop drinking” spiel, he’s suddenly like, “What I do in my own time is my business, and I won’t let my drinking hurt me!” In his defense, he’s also been awake for a full day, so he’s probably delirious. But wow, he sounds like an ass.
19. The following day, the final four meet up with Yu Tsai, who will be the photographer for their final photo shoot – the Guess shoot. Considering the $100,000 prize comes from Guess, this one is a pretty big deal.
20. Yu Tsai to Adam: “Adam, did you take the stick out of your butt?”
21. Will cries for like, the third time this episode. But damn, the boy does well in his photo shoot. To be honest, all three guys kill it. Lenox struggles, though, because she has to be sexy and that always makes her lose confidence. Adam does really well, like to the point where it annoys me.
22. After the shoot, Tyra, Miss J. and human troll Kelly Cutrone come out and surprise the contestants. They’ve been watching the whole thing! And there’s more – one of the models will be eliminated right now. DUN DUN DUNNNNN.
23. It’s Lenox. Sorry Lenox.
24. OH MY GOD THE WINNER WILL BE A MAAAAAAAAAAN. I NEVER SAW THAT COMING.
25. Okay, I don’t like to admit that I’ve invested anything in this competition, but I have. I really would like to see Adam lose, because privileged drunk frat guys aren’t the kind of person I like to root for. I would love for Will to win, because I think he’s the best model, but I think Keith should really win. He seems to need this the most, financially, and Will should be fine since he’s so effing beautiful.
26. It’s time for the final runway show. In addition to their former competitors, the finalists will be walking with Jourdan Miller, winner of Cycle 20. Wow, I forgot all about her. There are also some famous Koreans, which I guess is cool. Ooh, and a K-pop group! They are so catchy! (I don’t know who they are, I just want to dance to it!)
27. The runway show happens and no one falls, so it’s totally pointless to discuss any of it. You remember when Chantal knocked over the guy with the stilts? Iconic.
28. Apparently, the Nylon shoot already happened, but we didn’t get to see any of it. There’s like, a two-minute montage of it. It looks pretty cool, so of course we missed it. Thanks, Tyra.
29. Final critiques! Miss J. is wearing an entire Micheals craft store on his head, but he still doesn’t look as stupid as Kelly Cutrone in her fedora.
30. Adam gets a decent critique for his runway walk, but the judges criticize him for mugging a little too much. Gee, Adam? Mugging? Naw. Will didn’t bring it – the judges think he lost some of his oomph. Keith gets good comments all around.
31. Next, we get to the makeup commercials. Oh God, they’re even worse with editing. Will goes first and his commercial contains the following phrases, which grown adults actually say out loud:
- Can I get a cheek bone?
- Chisel, sparkle, glide
- Like buttah
- Your booching boy
- Dab it, dab it, dip it, dip it
- Do it, baby
32. Will, Keith and Adam all get great comments for their commercials. Each one of them made Tyra very proud. Sniffle. Her wittle baby boocher toochers are all grown up.
33. After reviewing the finalists’ bodies of work, the judges deliberate. You can pretty much tell that Tyra is gunning for Keith and Miss J. is gunning for Will. I have no idea what Kelly is gunning for. Probably a new personality.
34. The first to be eliminated is…Adam. HA. Go home, frat boy. So, it’s down to Will and Keith. Two beautiful male models stand before us, but only one will be America’s Next Top Model With A Penis. And the winner is…Keith!
Tyson Beckford Keith!!
What do you think – did the right model win?