Have you been keeping up with Vanderpump Rules? Don’t lie, you know you have. I can’t think of any good reason to skip watching the trashiest, most ridiculously juicy show on Bravo. I may have been taking a break from blogging, but you know I couldn’t resist the sleaze that lurks at SUR. However, if you have missed a few episodes (again: why?) please allow me to catch you up on this season.
- Tom Schwartz cheated on Katie by kissing some girl, but he did not kiss a girl in Vegas. Except that he did kiss a girl in Vegas I guess, but he only told Katie about it because Jax was going to. Katie may or may not have motorboated a d*ck.
- Jax had two girlfriends, then he had one, then he had none and tried to hook up with SUR’s new hostess, Vail. Vail realized that Jax is repulsive, though, so it didn’t happen. Now Jax is trying to get back together with one of his girlfriends. I can’t remember her name and neither can he probably.
- Scheana is getting married and she’s like, “OMG I AM GETTING MARRIED!” all the time and no one cares, especially Stassi.
- Stassi, who is almost entirely irrelevant now, unfriended-in-real-life Katie because Katie went to Scheana’s bachelorette party at some crappy hotel in Miami.
- Finally, Tom Sandoval may or may not have cheated on Ariana in Miami. Kristen, who is still definitely certifiably insane, invited Miami Girl to SUR for a confrontation. Instead of having said confrontation, though, Tom and Ariana just took an Uber and left. Also, Miami Girl said she was 23, which was perhaps the biggest lie ever told on this show.
- Kristen had approximately 5,604,497 meltdowns over the Tom/Miami Girl situation. Then she got fired.
- Everyone reacted to Kristen’s termination accordingly:
Which brings us to the present. This week, the day has finally arrived: Scheana is getting married! But her dream day is disrupted with some drama. I’ll bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Everyday Scheana is hustlin’
We open with a lovely staged conversation between Scheana and Lisa Vanderpump, which reviews Scheana’s wedding plans in excruciating detail. Does this mean we can finally stop hearing about Scheana’s wedding from now on? Because listening to someone talk about their wedding plans is basically one of the most boring things in the world. Look, I know it’s a lot of work and I know it consumes you and it’s your special day and all, but seriously, no one cares about your place settings and the font used on your Save The Date card. Really. No one.
Scheana’s wedding budget was originally about $30,000, but she says that it’s tripled over time. She seems pretty chill about it, telling Lisa that her “settlement has come through,” so she has the cash. This mystery lawsuit, by the way, is not detailed at all, even though it’s probably way more interesting than hearing about her hydrangeas. I always wonder why people choose to get married on a reality TV show and then I remember that it’s because everything is paid for. The wedding rehearsal dinner will be at SUR, everything will be discounted if Scheana shows the logo, and then she manages to swindle 300 bottles of pink sangria out of the Lisa, too. Damn, Scheana is a hustler.
Tom is just looking out for James
Scheana’s rehearsal dinner seems to include neither a rehearsal nor a dinner, but okay. I’ll accept this. Maybe they had the actual rehearsal at the venue and then all drove to SUR? Either way, I’m glad we skip right to the good stuff – which means Tom Sandoval and his new BFF James talking about Kristen. Tom says that, after Miami, he made a decision to stop hating James. He actually feels bad for him. Oh honey, me too. The thing about James is, he knows that Kristen is batsh*t crazy. He recognizes that her behavior is not normal and that she’s completely stalker-level obsessed with her ex. But somehow, he’s okay with it? I don’t get it. I’d say that he’s with her as a sugar mama, but Kristen is a 30-year-old unemployed waitress, so.
Tom shows James some text messages, which aren’t particularly damning, except that it’s kind of weird to text your ex-boyfriend who hates you to go get a drink. James is clearly bothered by this, but he’s too far deep into the Kristen Kool-Aid to listen to Tom’s warnings. He is, however, very unhappy about Kristen’s use of winky emojis.
Kristen saves the day and Jax is the worst
You know what else is boring about weddings? Watching people get ready for weddings. There is a lot of drinking and then a lot of primping. Tom Sandoval gets Shay the tackiest effing tuxedo jacket I’ve ever seen in my life and I’m just like, what? He surprised him with it? On his wedding day? Tell me that man didn’t get his tux fitted. Shut up. Then Scheana has an oh-sh*t moment: she left Shay’s wedding present in her apartment. It is a “sexy boudoir photo shoot,” because of course it is. Luckily, Kristen saves the day by swinging by her apartment and picking it up. She then takes it upon herself to have her hair and makeup professionally done without invitation. Rude.
At the venue, guests start to arrive. Kristen manages to get even ruder by commenting how Scheana’s wedding is “just as beautiful as Pandora’s” even though Pandora spent a lot more money. Um, no, that is not true. Also, shut up. Jax arrives with Carmen – right, that’s the ex’s name! – but not with her. He then goes into this rant about how George Clooney married “a human rights lawyer,” and he cannot imagine anything worse. Then he says how Amal Ramzi Clooney is way less hot that other women Clooney’s dated. You know, I hope someone breaks Jax’s new nose. And then the rest of his face.
Do you think she’s changed her mind?
Oh, goodie, it’s time for the “Scheana gets cold feet” fake out! The commercials have been leading up to this for weeks, but of course she doesn’t actually have cold feet. She’s just upset because the groomsmen are late coming through to their places. Her wedding planner – who she hired for $3,000 off of Instagram – is not really up to par. Or maybe she is, for an Instagram wedding planner? I’m not totally familiar with the Instagram-wedding-planner industry.
After b*tching and moaning and hiding in a closet, Scheana finally walks down the aisle. No wait, just kidding. The singer starts singing and…her cue is early. Scheana freaks the f*ck out. It looks like hiring a wedding planner off Instagram is not a good idea after all. Take note, people! They make the singer start over and – oh, thank effing God. Scheana finally walks down the aisle. Hey, Shay’s real name is Michael? Oh his last name is Shay? Huh. Who knew?
Wait, so her name is Scheana Shay now?
* All GIFs courtesy of bricesander on Tumblr, who is the bomb at PumpRules GIFs