Last week on Vanderpump Rules, Scheana Jancan became Scheana Shay, which sounds like a stripper name, but I guess it’s true love, so whatever. Scheana’s wedding is endless, and thus the spotlight of this week’s episode of Vanderpump Rules as well. I think next week, the wedding is over? I hope? Fingers crossed. Anyway, Scheana goes full Bridezilla this week, freaking out about the timing of every detail – the bouquet toss, the garter toss, the choreographed dance she and Shay have planned at the reception (seriously, I don’t even know) and more. In her defense, Danielle The Instagram Wedding Planner seems to have like, three brain cells. In Danielle’s defense, she’s not really a wedding planner, just some Vanderpump Rules fan that Scheana found on Instagram.
Despite all of these “emergencies,” Scheana’s wedding is actually really beautiful. Lisa keeps talking about how Scheana pulled it off “on a waitress’ salary,” as though everything wasn’t comped, but still. It’s lovely. I have to admit it. That doesn’t mean that everyone behaved, though. While Scheana was worried about walking out exactly 24 seconds into a song, she should’ve been worried about her friends. Because her friends? They are schmucks.
Ruiner #1: Tom Schwartz and his ring-on-a-string
I have said it before and I will say it again: Tom Schwartz is a total waste of human space. He is, quite literally, the worst. Katie is not the brightest bulb in the bunch, but she deserves so much better than his simpering, whining wittle baby, pathetic ass. He is too scared to have a job – even working at a restaurant is too high-pressure for him. Not that working at a restaurant isn’t difficult – I’m sure it is – but he acts like he was put on the front line in Afghanistan, you know? He cheats on Katie. He lies about cheating on Katie. Then he admits to cheating while on a double-date with friends, because that’s the cool way to do it. He gets a puppy in the hopes that Katie will stop wanting to get married. Finally, at Scheana’s wedding, he makes the most bonehead move ever: he gives Katie a ring…on a string. Would this have been nice, like, in junior high? Yes. But at a friend’s wedding, when you’ve been together for years? It’s such a condescending, pacifying insult. “I don’t really want to marry you, but here’s a necklace with a ring on it, will you shut up now?” Gross. You are gross, Tom Schwartz. Also, “Sorry, I’ve been a douche bag lately. It’s rose gold!” is not the most heartfelt speech you thought of, is it? Nevermind, of course it is.
Ruiner #2: Jax tries to get his groove back
Jax really ups his level of sleaze this week. In addition forcing us to endure a scene where he discusses wanting to bang Lisa Vanderpump (really), Jax spends the entirety of Scheana’s wedding trying – and failing – to get Carmen back. Do you remember Carmen? Carmen is the girlfriend that he dumped because he wanted to be with his other girlfriend Tiffany, but then he cheated on Tiffany and so she dumped him, so now he wants Carmen back. Yeah. The thing is, Carmen seems to have (somewhat) of a brain on her shoulders. I mean, not a huge brain – she does let Jax touch her, after all – but she seems to know better than to let him reel her back in. But boy does he try. He spends all night attempting to be romantic, hugging her and kissing her – I think at one point, he actually says he loves her? It’s ridiculous. Jax has now actually become a parody of Jax. Fortunately, Carmen keeps her wits about her and leaves the wedding alone, rather than join him in his “beautiful cottage.” She seems pretty grossed out by him, actually. Maybe he shouldn’t have made all those jokes about hooking up with Vail?
Ruiners #3-4: James and Kristen get wasted, throw punches, break up
I am sorry to say this, but it looks like James and Kristen – the greatest love story of our time – may be over. I know, I know. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time. I don’t know how I will live without their belligerent fighting. Luckily, they sure know how to go out with a bang – or rather, a punch. Things are doomed from the start, really, because James is still fuming from the secret texts Kristen keeps sending to Tom Sandoval. James is a total moron, but you have to feel for the guy – his girlfriend is completely batsh*t obsessed with her ex. That can’t be fun. James goes into the wedding with plans to get wasted. Kristen goes into the wedding with plans to stay under the radar and avoid drama. Spoiler alert: only one of them succeeds and his name rhymes with Lames.
It takes a while, but eventually James gets plastered enough to cause a scene. He chases Kristen and her questionably homeless (?) trainer Trevor out of the reception where they scream and fight and push each other a lot. Then Kristen punches James in the head and screams that it’s over. They are a classy pair. RIP James and Kristen.
Bonus ruiner: Stassi
It’s pretty strange to think how, last year, Stassi helped Shay plan his elaborate proposal to Scheana. The two girls were actually very close. Of course, how close is Stassi to anyone, really? It took her about five seconds to kick Katie to the curb. Her last friend standing is whats-her-face from SUR, whose name I still haven’t bothered to learn. I’m sure she will be promoted to a regular cast member next season, so I’ll learn it then. So, whats-her-face and Stassi are united in their uninvited status and spend the evening drinking homemade margaritas, looking at pictures on Instagram and trashing Scheana’s dress.
Despite the truth behind those words (I mean God, it is really effing ugly), you know that Stassi wishes she were there to watch all the sh*t go down in real time. And maybe stir a little sh*t of her own.
Stassi GIFs courtesy of bricesander on Tumblr