Oliver Queen is really on a roll. A week ago, he landed at -140 on the Oliver Queen Stupidity Index, mainly because of his thick head and even thicker flashback wig. This week, we’ve reached the point of no return. Thea Queen knows that she killed Sara Lance and is wracked with guilt. Ra’s al Ghul knows that Oliver Queen is still alive, while al Ghul’s daughter Nyssa knows that she wants to stab the crap out of everybody. And Felicity Smoak? Well, she knows that she’s surrounded by idiots. But hey, that’s not new. The drama gets intense this week, which unfortunately means that Oliver gets stupider than ever. Here is actual footage of me watching “Nanda Parbat”:
Just kidding, Oliver. I could never quit you. In truth, “Nanda Parbat” was an amazing episode, even when it filled me with angst and rage. And boy, did it. Let’s talk about it, shall we? We begin in what I imagine is Ra’s al Ghul’s den of relaxation and sexytimes. He’s having a somewhat sensual candlelit jacuzzi soak when his daughter Nyssa walks in. That’s normal. She’s pissed because Oliver is still alive. Ra’s is like, “Eh, he didn’t kill Sara.” Nyssa is like, “Nope, gonna kill him anyway.”
-10 points right away for Oliver still training with Malcolm Merlyn. Yes, I know that was the plan, but it’s still a stupid plan. Doesn’t he know anyone else who was trained to fight like the League of Assassins? Oh wait, no. Malcom killed her. And -5 more for letting Malcolm train in the Arrow lair. That’s for Team Arrow only, buddy, and also Laurel who invites herself in all the time.
No points, but this exchange is just the first of many awesome moments for Dig this week.
Malcom: [nods in greeting] “John.”
Diggle: “My friends call me Dig. You shouldn’t even speak to me.”
Oh course, like two seconds later, Malcolm calls him Dig. But hey, it was still an awesome burn.
+20 to Oliver for insisting that he and Thea stay in the loft. The thing is, Nyssa knows where the club is – she doesn’t know about the loft. It’s actually smart.
Flashback time! Looks like Amanda Waller’s portion of the Omega mission is over and Oliver can go home. Maseo and his family are also free to return to Japan. Speaking of Maseo, he looks showered and shaved and sharp in a new suit. So,-30 points from Ollie for still wearing that dumb denim shirt and still not cutting his hair. I mean, come one.
Poor Thea. “I killed Sara,” she says, voice shaking. Roy is all, “Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.” -15 from Oliver for “accidentally” forgetting to tell her that everyone else knows.
Meanwhile, Ray Palmer is on his way to becoming The Atom (and getting his own spin-off) and Felicity sees him becoming Oliver 2.0. He’s way too focused and way too distractingly hot – and we all know Felicity’s biggest weakness is a well-meaning vigilante with a very broad chest. -20 from Oliver for letting this all play out so predictably without even bothering to do anything about it. He is great at fighting for his city, but not so much for the girl he loves.
No points, but LOL at Laurel being like, “Hey dad. It’s been a week since you found out that I was pretending to be my dead sister, think we can move on?” Shut up, Laurel.
If I were handing points out to Thea, she would get about ten million for coming clean to Laurel. Unlike her brother, she doesn’t think keeping secrets “for your own good” is the right thing to do. And while I’m handing out imaginary points, how about a few zillion to Laurel as well – I know, I’m as shocked as you. But she is the first one to say the one thing that no one has bothered to say this whole damn time – which is that Thea has a choice. She doesn’t need to listen to Oliver or Malcolm. She can make her own decisions. THANK YOU.
As for Oliver, -20 to lying to Laurel’s face yet again – and then not even bothering to apologize when she says that she knows the truth. -10 more for implying that he didn’t tell her because she might kill Thea. No one believes that, Ollie.
“You know it’s hard for me to remember a time when I was actually in love with you.” This episode is making me like Laurel and it’s very weird.
So what does Thea do? Well, she calls up the League of Assassins (do they have a hotline?) and tells them where to find Malcolm. Because Thea knows the difference between justice and murder. Malcolm is a murderer. Turning him in will bring justice. Yeah, okay, maybe not the lawful, jury of his peers kind of justice. But when you choose to operate in an underworld of lethal assassins, it’s not like you expect due process.
But Oliver isn’t okay with this because, you know, Thea made a choice. Oliver is such an idiot. In his quest to protect everyone, he’s managed to push away all of the people who love him. In the end, he’s only protecting Malcolm. -50 because everyone can see that but him.
LOL at Laurel thinking she could beat Malcolm Merlyn in a fight. Why didn’t you lead with the gun, Laurel? Okay, I think she’s dumb again. Things are back to normal. Phew.
“I told you Merlyn was off limits!” Oliver says, like he’s Laurel’s father or something. Ugh. -20
Let’s review: Malcolm, who brainwashed Thea and killed Tommy and Sara and Oliver’s mom and like, thousands of others, is now being held prisoner by the gang of assassins that he abandoned his son to join in the first place. So, everyone goes out for pizza, right? WRONG. “We have to save him,” says Oliver. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. -100
Look, I don’t care if he’s trying to “save Thea’s soul” or not – going back where you were recently stabbed a lot to rescue a mass murderer is the epitome of stupid. And WTF to Dig and Felicity for going along with it. This show is making me support Laurel again and I don’t like it. -50
Flashback time! This is the point where I would normally deduct more points from Oliver for still not cutting his damn hair. But I am going to give him a pass because I am a fan of those jeans. +20
I don’t know about you, but something tells me that this joyous trip to Japan isn’t actually going to happen.
In the present day, Oliver has Nyssa in a cage because he’s just decided that he’s going to become an actual monster. Everyone stands there like, “Ummm.” He wants the location of Nanda Parbat so that he can go be a huge moron and try to rescue Malcolm from Ra’s al Ghul. -20
+30 for not actually torturing it out of Nyssa, I guess.
Oliver still insists that he’s going to Nanda Parbat to save Thea’s soul. Yep, that’s it. Roy throws down some logic by asking, “How will her brother dying make it any better?” but Oliver is like, “I’m not going to die.” Everyone else: “Yeah, okay, buddy. Don’t stop believin’.” Sigh.
Felicity storms off and, instead of doing or saying a damn thing, Oliver does nothing. Felicity then goes straight to Ray Palmer because of course she does. -50 Oliver because that is so your fault.
At least we’ll get to see Diggle back in the field. +40 to Oliver for letting him come along this time. He needs Diggle to ground him.
Thea: I would rather have my brother alive than my murderous father, please don’t go!
Oliver: Grumble grumble I am going, grumble. -20 because you ass.
Flashback Oliver, Maseo and his family are getting ambushed by Amanda Waller’s people. +20 to Oliver for helping save the annoying kid.
Present day Oliver and Diggle are getting ambushed by Ra’s al Ghul’s men. -100 from Oliver for being a complete hypocrite. Nope, he can’t kill Malcolm Merlyn or Slade Wilson, but he sure can murder his way into Nanda Parbat without a second thought. Oliver shoots and shoots and shoots some more. What happened to, “I’m not a killer anymore”? NOBODY KNOWS. Maybe he only kills people who probably don’t deserve to die? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.
That being said, Nanda Parbat has excellent cell reception. Oliver finds Merlyn via his tracking device.
As Oliver and Diggle are rescuing Malcolm, they get themselves captured. Because of course they do. -30
Meanwhile back in Starling City, THIS SH*T IS HAPPENING.
DAMMIT, OLIVER. -250
Then, two very unexpected things happen. The first is that Oliver Queen suddenly becomes self-aware. While chained to a floor with Diggle, having some male bonding time, he admits that he needed to come back to Nanda Parbat because he needed to win. Yes, this is for Thea, but it’s also because he couldn’t handle knowing there was somebody out there who beat him. Because, you know, this whole thing has basically been about Oliver’s stupid wounded pride. “It’s egotistical and insane,” he says and I cannot believe it. FINALLY YOU ARE RIGHT ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT, OLLIE, THANK YOU FOR GETTING YOUR BRAIN BACK, I HOPE RA’S DOESN’T KILL YOU. +500
The second unexpected thing that happens is, Ra’s al Ghul doesn’t want to kill Oliver. No, he wants Oliver to take his place as the next leader of the League. Um…what?
Oilver’s total on the Stupidity Index? -230 and personally, I think I’m being generous. Here’s to hoping Ollie has some more sense when Arrow returns in a few weeks.