Previously on Vanderpump Rules, Scheana got married and now her name is Scheana Shay, which amuses me way more than it has any right to. Meanwhile, Kristen was texting Tom Savdoval, which made her boyfriend James angry. Tom Schwartz got Katie a ring-on-a-string and Katie started to cry because she wanted a ring that was not attached to a string. Tom Sandoval may have slept with some girl in Vegas or was it Miami or was it Tom Schwartz, or – oh, forget it. Everyone is a hot mess and couldn’t tell the truth if it slapped them in the face. Like this:
Scheana just wanted one day of the year, out of the 364 we have
At SUR, all the SURians are gossiping about Scheana’s wedding – namely Kristen, James and their explosive fight in the parking lot. Jax thinks it was especially disrespectful to Scheana, but maybe he should worry less about her and more about how he still doesn’t know how many days are in a year. There are songs you can learn to help you remember, Jax. My mom is a pre-school teacher. She can help. Meanwhile, Lisa Vanderpump has a chat with James. He folds napkins and she pretends to care about how he enjoyed the wedding. James tells her all about his fight with Kristen and Lisa suggests that maybe he shouldn’t be dating a volatile lunatic who’s still in love with someone else. Or something. You know, just a suggestion.
Later, Stassi tries to remain relevant by meeting Peter for lunch. I guess it’s just going to be a rotation of randoms now that Stassi isn’t speaking to any of the regular cast. Peter tells Stassi about the wedding and Stassi makes crazy eyes. Is it just me or has she had a lot of work done since, like, the last episode? Her lips and her cheeks maybe? Too much Botox? I don’t know, but the girl don’t look right. And she’s usually beautiful. Anyway, Stassi tells Peter that Kristen keeps texting her to meet up, which she will agree to because hey, why not?
Our relationship is so tainted now
Before she meets up with Stassi, Kristen has to meet up with James. Even though they live together, they have a conversation as though they haven’t seen each other since the wedding. James rambles on and on like a PSA for domestic violence about how it was his fault that Kristen punched him – he got up in her face, he instigated it. Oh dear. I actually feel kind of bad for James right now. James, it’s never your fault if your partner punches you in the face. Seriously. He says that he loves her, but Kristen isn’t sure if they can come back from this. What, from you punching him? James wishes he wasn’t always so insecure about Tom and maybe also that Kristen would stop being in love with Tom so that he could feel more secure. Kristen cries and is like, “I am who I am and if James doesn’t like it, he can break up with me.” So magnanimous! Naturally, they decide to work it out because hey, why not? Young love!
She’s kind of like a kamikaze pilot
Jax is playing fifth wheel to the Toms and their girlfriends, Ariana and Katie. The five of them discuss the ring-on-a-string situation and Schwartz once again says that he has marriage issues. You think? He says that there’s a magic number for his bank account to reach before he’ll be ready to propose. Um…is that number higher than zero? Because last time I looked, Tom quit his one job tending bar at PUMP. Does he work at all? But moving on – Jax mentions that he was out the other night with Kristen, who was giving him sh*t about being friends with Tom. Now, why this makes any sense at all, I do not know. But Jax is right about one thing: Kristen has nothing to lose. He’s kind of afraid of her and I don’t blame him. Kristen is some scary stuff. For instance, she, Carmen and somebody named Rachel recently got in a fist fight with a stripper. Because I guess that’s normal? I’m getting a running theme here, and that theme is Kristen Has Lost Her Marbles.
Back at SUR, Scheana returns from her honeymoon and confronts James about the fight. James apologizes that he’s over all this high school sh*t – after all, he graduated from high school like, three years ago! Duh!
I can’t get him to say it out loud with people around
Hey, it’s time for Kristen and Stassi to have their extremely awkward lunch date! Stassi is wondering why the hell Kristen invited her – and so am I! It turns out that Kristen needs some Jax advice. Months ago, Jax told Kristen all about how Tom Sandoval slept with Miami Girl – remember her? Oh yeah. Ever since, he’s denied having any knowledge of it. Kristen has since acted like a complete lunatic, flying Miami Girl to California to ambush Tom, getting fired from her job because of the scene she made, and obsessing over it so much that it’s causing serious problems in her relationship. See, it’s not about Tom – it’s that Kristen doesn’t want to look like a liar. Sure, okay.
She tells Stassi all about it – how Jax will admit to her in private that he knows about Tom’s secret Miami affair, but she cannot get him to say a word about it in public. Everyone thinks she is a liar and it’s driving her crazy. Well, honey, everyone also thinks you’re crazy, so at least that’s something true. Kristen needs Stassi’s help: how can she get Jax to crack? Now, you’d think Stassi would take off running, but of course she doesn’t. She tells Kristen to trap Jax in front of Scheana and “push harder.” But then, lo! Sound advice! Stassi asks her to consider dropping it – for her and James, for her friendships, for her own happiness. Finally, some common sense. Kristen is like, “nah.”
Otherwise, you’re just gonna be fluff friends
We’re at some dog charity lunch hosted by Lisa and Lance Bass – or as she calls him, “My friend Lance” – and I don’t know why. The dogs are really cute, though. Less cute are Jax and Tom Sandoval, drinking and skulking in the corner. I’ll bet you’re going to be real surprised when I tell you that they’re talking about Kristen. Kristen has been riding Jax pretty hard lately (ew) about telling the “real story” of what went down in Miami. Tom – who still swears his innocence – says that he wishes Jax could just stop instigating this situation. Every time he talks to Kristen about it, it adds fuel to her craziness. Jax stumbles through his usual pile of crap. “I don’t man, I don’t even- she just, you know? Ugh!” Exactly.
Tom points out that Jax has caused a lot of trouble for both him and Schwartz lately by telling exaggerated stories and gossiping. If he wants to have real friendships in his life, he’s going to need to learn when to be loyal and not just blurt things out in the moment.
So, is this why we came?
It’s time for Kristen’s get-Jax-to-crack dinner, a lovely affair with Scheana, Shay and this chick named Rachel who recently got punched in the face by a stripper. Everyone orders some appetizers and wine and then Kristen lets loose on her usual tirade – everyone is a cheater, but she’s the only one paying for it. She needs Jax to tell the truth so that she stops looking crazy. Blah blah blah, second verse, same as the first. Dead silence. Crickets. In the distance, a baby cries. Scheana is like, “Are you f*cking kidding me? Is this why we came?” It’s hilarious.
Jax doesn’t know what to do. He’s got Kristen harassing him daily about telling the truth. He’s got Scheana staring him down. He’s got Sandoval in the back of his mind, asking him to be a loyal friend. It’s definitely a tough spot for someone who completely did this to himself. Of course, he tells them: Tom had sex with Miami Girl. He knows it happened. The look of sheer psychotic joy on Kristen’s face is chilling. CHILLING.
But…it doesn’t work. AGAIN. Because just like last time and the time before that, Scheana doesn’t fully believe the story. And even more importantly, Ariana and Tom are happy and she wants to support her friends. It didn’t work. KRISTEN IT IS NEVER GOING TO WORK PLEASE STOP. She doesn’t look any less crazy than she did before and now she’s lost Scheana’s friendship, too. It’s almost sad, except it’s not because SHE IS CRAZY. Kristen storms off, probably to go buy a shotgun or something. Yikes.